Oops, Wrong Doctor!

We all make mistakes, right?!?  We accidentally buy the red apples instead of the green apples. We forget to pick up the milk when we're at the grocery store. We call someone by the wrong name. We strip and get half naked for the dentist.....ummmmm oops, wrong doctor! Sorry Dr. S! C'mon, you mean to tell me you've never done that before?!?

When a woman, such as myself, is going through infertility it becomes second nature to just get half naked at every doctor's appointment without having to be told to do so. We sometimes forget that the dentist, who is still a doctor, is not the kind of doctor that wants to see you naked... hopefully! :) We get so used to dropping trow whenever we go to the doctor that it becomes a routine.  We walk into the doctor's office, we drop trow, and hop on the table. Now we wait for the doctors and nurses (yes, plural...because why would we care about modestly at this point?!  The more the merrier right?!?). My doctor usually gets right down to business; not a lot of small talk....no dinner, no movie, no nothing. Can I at least get a glass of wine before we get to the next part?!?

Ultrasound time!  I remember the first time this happened. I've heard the word before.  I know the concept, even if I've never been pregnant before.  I've seen it in the movies and on TV shows. I even talked about it at my first consultation meeting with my doctor, so I knew it was coming. I'm ready!  This is going to be so cool!  I'm sitting on the table with nothing on waist down except for the sheet that they give you.  The doctors and nurses walk in and say it's time for the ultrasound and to slide on down the table and put my feet into the stirrups. Wait, what?!?!....stirrups?!?!  You said it was ultrasound time.  You know...put all the goop on my belly and then that machine thing that looks like a police radar gun goes on the goop and some black and white lines show up on the TV screen.  Why on Earth do I need to get into stirrups for that?!?! Then it happened. The nurse comes over and puts a condom on this huge dildo (yes dildo!) looking thing that is attached to a TV on a cart.  What the hell is that thing, and why did she just wheel the cart over my way? Oh, this must be some new kind of ultrasound machine just for fertility doctors! Right?!?  But wait, there's no goop on my belly and the doc just picked up the dildo with a condom on it. Wait!!! Oh dear God in heaven, please tell me that you're not about to do what I think you're about to do! Yes, yes he is!  (Thank God Dave is here in the room with me, because I don't think I could have retold the story the right way if he wasn't there to witness it!) Before I could even ask my stupid question about where the goop was for my belly, that "thing" is now doing the ultrasound....internally!!! Yep, there I am on display with not only my husband in the room but also a couple of doctors, a nurse or two and maybe some guy selling tickets to the show (I lost count of the people in the room by this point because I was still waiting for them to do an ultrasound with the goop on my belly!  Damn it people, where's my belly goop?!?!). Then I notice it, (as if this story couldn't get any more horrifying) my lady part insides are not only on display on the little TV that was on the cart with the ultrasound dildo with the condom on it, but it's ALSO on the big ass high def big-screen TV that's mounted on the wall!  Yep, there's the inside of me on full display!  The only thing missing to this multiple screen lady-part, spread eagle movie adventure was the surround sound and some popcorn! But we're not done yet, the story gets better! The "ultrasound" wand doesn't just go peacefully inside of you and take a picture....oh nooooooo! The doctor is looking for your follicles in your ovaries...both ovaries! So it goes on over to the left ovary....then over to the right.  But wait, he wants to measure the follicles he finds in the right ovary, so back on over to the right Mr. Ultrasound Wand goes.  He hangs out there for a minute, the doc talks about the size of the follicles on the right, measures them on one of the TV screens and then back over to the left we go!  Hey doc...I think I'm chocking on a piece of the condom in my mouth! Can we ease up for a minute?!?! Then it's over!  FINALLY! I'm still spread eagle laying there on the table and I look over at Dave.  He doesn't know where to look!  He's looking at the floor, he's looking at the ceiling, he looks at me! He just squeezes my hand and I am left speechless and let out a little laugh! This just happened didn't it?!? So needles to say, my first experience having an ultrasound was NOT like how I pictured it at all!

I understand what it means now and what I'm in store for! I've actually become used to this...sad I know (in more ways that one!) I even have this "adventure" down to a science. I try to wear a sundress (easier to just drop my panties rather than the whole panties, pants, shoes, socks thing), and I just hop up on the table ready for the multiple screen movie adventure to begin and hope for some good follicle news. I wait for the nurses to come in and put a condom on my friend (because we we all know that Mr. IUW (internal ultrasound wand) has been around the block a time or two.  I wasn't his first adventure of the day, and I won't be his last!..Whore!) Then I wait so I can show the whole world my lady parts while my insides are put on display on the big screen TV on the wall.  Yep, this is my life! Drop trow, hop on table, feet in stirrups, spread eagle,insert ultrasound wand, rinse and repeat.

This is the reason why I  have to be really mindful whenever I go to another type of doctor..i.e. the dentist! I have to remember that I'm actually supposed to keep ALL of my clothes on when seeing other doctors! (Keep your clothes on Kristy,  Keep your clothes on Kristy, Keep your clothes on Kristy,....is all I keep repeating when I'm in a regular doctor's office). Mistakes are bound to happen though!  Especially when you feel like all of your doctors visits are spent half naked with a condom covered wand displaying all of your lady internal parts is inside of you....right?!?  Well. the good news is, my dentist decided not to press charges. Bad news...I need to find a new dentist! :)

B!%ch Please...

The really great thing about opening up and talking about our infertility struggles is the feeling of knowing I've helped people!  Infertility seems like it is still such a taboo topic.  You don't want to talk about it.  You don't want to be judged. You don't want to look "broken" in the eyes of others. Some people are still ashamed to come out and admit that they've had problems having a baby....and I can't blame them. I was the same way up until a month ago and I'm now trying to be the voice that can help other people not feel ashamed.

Along with the good of opening up also comes the bad. You hear all of the stupid advice (I can tell the difference between advice that comes from love and from your heart, and the advice that comes from ignorance and spite), stupid shit that people say, and the "tag-alongs".  This is the worst! Some people, usually the oh-so-annoying one-uppers, want to join your "club".  This is a club I never wanted to belong to.  One I STILL don't want to belong to, but my membership card has been stamped, sealed and delivered.  Like it or not, I'm a card carrying member of infertility. I would never wish this on anyone so why-oh-why would you want to be a part of this?!? I don't think I will ever understand.

What I'm talking about are the stories people come to you with to try and "fit-in" with you. All of them have the same knee-jerk response from me..."Bitch please!" (insert eye roll here too!)  Here's some of the honest to goodness stories I've heard and been told.

• "I almost had to go to a fertility doctor too.  We tried for a whole month and never got pregnant so I thought something was wrong like you, but then we got pregnant the next month so I guess I'm okay." 
• Bitch please!  A whole month?!?!  Wow that must have been awful! So you thought something was wrong...like me. Thanks!
• "I was told that I might not be able to have kids so we didn't try and I got pregnant by accident on our honeymoon.  This whole infertility thing with us sucks huh?!?"
• Bitch please! How the hell are you suffering with infertility...oh yeah that's right you were told you might not be able to. But wait..bitch you got pregnant on accident on your honeymoon.  I'm happy for you, but please, WE are not alike!
• "We are so similar. I have fertility problems just like you, and my doctor told me I can't get pregnant until I lose weight."
• Bitch please...twice!  First I lost almost 50 pounds and don't think I need to lose more weight to get pregnant...not a single doctor has said this to me. Second, Bitch please...you just had a baby so how is this even remotely the same?!?  You do NOT have infertility problems!  It's not the same!
• "I know what your're going through. I can't get pregnant either. Not because a doctor told me so, but because I can't keep a boyfriend."
• Bitch please....this is soooooo not the same.  Plus you have two wonderful kids at home, so how is this the same?!?

I'm sure this won't be the last time I hear fake infertility stories (unfortunately) so just remember this, if I roll my eyes after your story and my only response to you is, "Bitch Please...", then I'm on to you and  I will gladly switch membership cards with you any day!

I don't think I will ever understand why some people want to one up everyone, and why anyone would want to be a part of this "club".  There are too many members as it is.  All of us that are going through infertility all have different stories.  Not everyone's story will sound like mine.  Some are much worse, and some have the  happy endings we all dream of. I'm here for you if you need me, want to open up or just need a shoulder to cry on but please don't try to fit in and tell me your "infertility" story if you don't have one.  If you are going through this awful journey though, I hope this blog and my story will help you in some way.

If you are going through infertility, then you might be able to relate to my story.  If you aren't going through this, then maybe my story will help you understand and be there for a friend who is.  Just because you aren't going through it doesn't mean you can make up stories to "relate".  Just being there to listen is good enough. You don't' have to understand what we are going through, but know that you are making it worse by lying to "fit" in or one upping us to become a member of a club that we don't want to belong to in the first place. Be happy you don't have an all expense (unpaid) pass to our club meetings, because trust me...this shit is expensive! But hey...if you want to "relate" so bad, claim infertility, and fit in, I'll make a deal with you.  I will create a personalized membership card just for you and send you the invoice.  All it will cost you is one all-expense paid IVF cycle paid in full to my infertility doctor...for me!  :)

Hopeful or Hopeless?

So as you know, I'm in a better place now in my life with respect to trying to have a baby.  I can go to baby showers and not cry.  I can hold babies and not tear up. I can really be happy for all of my pregnant friends without feeling extremely envious.  This of course, took many years to happen. It did not happen overnight.

When we first started trying to have a baby, I would go through so many pregnancy tests (which isn't cheap!) at just the thought of my period being late.  If my period was a day late, I would test.  Of course it was negative, but I wasn't discouraged.  If anything, I was a little hopeful.  Maybe I tested too early and it was wrong.  Maybe I was that person who got the false negative!  Month after month I would test and month after month it would still be negative. It was okay, I was still hopeful....

Years later that hope started to fade away, and I was left feeling hopeless. Every month when Aunt Flo came to visit, a little piece of me disintegrated. If I thought about it too much, I always ended up a puddle of goo in tears laying in fetal position on the floor.  I had to stay strong. I had to move on and build up that wall (easier said than done!). I couldn't keep going through this month after month.  I was spending so much money on ovulation tests and pregnancy tests every month only to keep getting disappointed. Looking back on it I should have bought stock in the company.  If I would have bought stock back then, maybe I would be able to afford IVF now...

Today I'm starting to get my hope back more and more, but I'm cautious about it.  I can't emotionally invest too much. Each day is different. Each day I get stronger and stronger, but sometimes I slip back to my old self. The other month (when we were on a break from all of our fertility treatments) Aunt Flo was a day late. I got a little excited.  The butterflies were in my stomach. The "what if" thoughts started to drift into my head.  What if I'm finally pregnant?  What if this month it really happened?  What if the months of drugs and shots and fertility treatments really worked?  What if....

No!  I can't do that..I won't do that!  In that moment I knew what I had to do.  I HAD to shoot those daydreams down!  I forced the words and dreams out of my head.  I've worked so hard to get to where I am now, I can't slip back.  I wont go back!  I love being happy and excited.  I love having a little bit of hope, but I can't think like that anymore. When all of those hopes and dreams slip into my mind, I have to remember that it's not real.  I can dream, and I can wish, and I can hope, but not too much.  In the end, I need to be realistic.  I need to remember that right now we are on a break from fertility treatments and getting pregnant on our own isn't our reality. We haven't been able to get pregnant in the last 10 years on our own, so why would I think that it would happen now?

So my question to you is this: what's worse....being hopeful or being hopeless?  I'm still trying to figure that one out. I don't know if I'll ever have the answer...but here's hoping! :)

Bad Swimmers or Scrambled Eggs?

Now  that we're blogging about infertility we get a lot of people asking questions, talking to us about their struggles with infertility, and a lot of prayers and well wishes (keep them coming!!!)! This has been amazing in so many ways!  I don't feel so alone anymore and a part of me feels like I'm helping other couples going through the same thing. So far this has been an amazing experience...the blog, not the infertility!

So I got this question recently about our infertility…”So whose fault is it anyway?”  At first I was caught off guard but I answered like any person would, and stated the results of our numerous tests we've had. I wasn't offended by the curiosity (c’mon I’m blogging about my sex life and dropping trow in the middle of doctor’s offices’…how offended could I get?!?!), but the way the question was asked had me irked.  Whose fault?!?  Fault insinuates that there's blame in our situation.  Fault is negative. Fault suggests that there should be guilt and one of us ought to be ashamed of our infertility.

So now here is my new answer to that question: Infertility is happening to US!  We are a team.  Does it really matter if he has bad swimmers or if I have broken and scrambled eggs?  We are a united front and this is happening to the both of us. I don’t blame him, and he doesn't blame me.  Infertility is so hard on a marriage as it is, that if we started blaming each other for it we would have been divorced years ago. If you want to move forward, then you can’t have blame.  When asking, “Whose fault is it?” then you're assigning blame to a hard enough situation.  Come to think about it, I really should respond to that question with “Whose fault is it that you're so stupid and insensitive you Jackass!?”

Since we are now an open book about our journey and our struggles with infertility and we know people have questions, how about asking it like this: “Do you know the cause of your infertility?” or “Do you know the reason?” I’m not the most PC person, as you can tell by all of my swearing and snarkiness in my posts, but have a little common courtesy people.  Think before you speak because if you don’t, I may just end up calling you a jackass and direct you to my blog post Stupid S#!t People Say!

I would never wish infertility on anyone! It's not a "club" you want to belong to (as some people think it is...more on that later!) It's hard enough on a couple as it is without adding blame into the mix.  I've heard stories of where infertility has ripped people apart. I will not let that happen to us.  We've been through this together for 10 years.  We are a team, and we are one!  There isn't fault...but there is hope!

Coming Out of the Closet (so to speak!)

I can't express to everyone how grateful we are for all of the kind words, thoughts, and prayers you have sent our way since we came out of the closet (so to speak) 18 days ago. I never thought that telling my story about our infertility and our struggles to have a baby would be so freeing!  It's like a weight has been lifted off of our shoulders that we've been carrying around alone for all these years.  

The very first post was pretty hard to write. I summed up almost 10 years of infertility silence in one post.  It was even harder though to press "Publish" and share with all of our friends on Facebook.  I remember the exact moment early in the morning on the 1st of January as I was getting ready to press the share button.  I was sweating, was short of breath and my hands were shaking! I think it took me 10 minutes to share it. The words, "This is it, there's no going back after this!" kept ringing in my head.  All the "what-if's" kept rolling around.  Finally I did it! I put on my big-girl panties and I pushed the button. In that moment I held my breath and just waited.  What would everyone say?  What would their response be? Why do I even care?!?!

I cared, because for so many years Dave and I carried this secret around by ourselves. We were looked at like a selfish, weird couple because we didn't have kids.  People look at you as if you have 3 heads when you're happily married and don't have any children. First, you get the pity looks from people. Then of course comes all the stupid shit people want to say to you! I think it would have been easier for people if Dave and I were on the verge of divorce and unhappy because then they would have said, "Oh thank God you don't have kids! All you do is fight and argue and kids don't need to see that!" But guess what, we are happy...most of the time!  We are in love...yep, still head over heals in love with each other!  And we aren't on the verge of divorce. That's hard for people to understand.  If you're married, and happy, then you should have kids. I agree, but guess what...that's not always the case! Infertility had other plans for us.

People don't know how to talk about infertility. People don't know how to respond to it when it is brought up.  So what ends up happening is people keep quiet.  They don't talk about it. That's what we did! You feel like you're all alone in this.  You feel like no one else is going through it.  You hear about infertility every so often on TV or in movies.  You hear about the celebrity who used a surrogate or did IVF, but you still feel alone.  You know in your head that you're obviously not the only one,  but in your heart you feel like you are the only one! You feel ashamed because everyone around you is having kids so easily (so you think) and you can't, so you keep quiet. You put a smile on your face in public, and you cry yourself to sleep at night.

When my friend, J, invited me to her Resolve group after I slipped and opened up about our infertility almost a year ago, I finally found women going through the same thing as me!  I wasn't alone anymore! There was a group of us!  This group saved me and gave me back my hope for having a baby. Slowly I opened up more and more and I was beginning feel more comfortable. Holy shit, this was so freeing! I wasn't so ashamed anymore, and I didn't feel like I had three heads! Now I'm trying to be a voice and a face for infertility.  I want to help other couples going through the same thing!  You are not alone! For me, talking (and now blogging) about it was the most freeing thing I could have done. For others, it may be art therapy or writing in a journal. I don't really regret waiting so long to do it because I needed to get to this place, but I do wish I would have found my support group sooner. Knowing in your head and your heart that you're not alone is the best feeling in the world, especially through all the years of pain and disappointment!

So what I wanted to say to all of you reading this and commenting is...thank you!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening and reading our story! For all of you still suffering alone in silence about your infertility, please know that you are not alone!

Stupid S#!t People Say....

 Stupid Shit People Say....

These are phrases and statements you should not say to a woman or a couple trying to get pregnant...especially those who you KNOW are having fertility issues. Most of these phrases are not used by people with common sense so there's no need in trying to memorize what to say and what not to say to us. But yes, all of these statements have been said to me at some point in our journey, even AFTER opening up about our infertility...

1.     Just relax…then it will happen

o   In the beginning of our journey we were so relaxed we were a puddle of goo.  10 years later we are “relaxed” again, but telling a woman who is desperately trying to get pregnant to “relax” is like telling a bull not to charge.  Relaxation is not so easy when years go by and you still don’t have anything to show for all of your hard work.  Telling me to relax only pisses me off and gets me more spun up!  So next time you think about telling someone to “just relax and then it will happen” think about telling a charging bull to slow down or stop, because you will have better luck making that happen first!

2.     Stop trying and then it will happen. 

o   Ummmm last time I checked, you need to try and have sex to make it happen.  I’m not the Virgin Mary, so telling me to stop trying will not create this baby.  I know what you’re trying to say…but that goes along with the whole “just relax” statement above…

3.     Maybe you should just adopt, then you'll get pregnant. I had a friend who knew this girl, whose sister had a friend who got pregnant right after they adopted their child… Everyone has a “friend” who this happened to!

o   Oh just adopt...yeah cause it soooooo easy to "just" adopt. Adoption is a personal choice for couples.  Sometimes it takes YEARS and years to adopt a baby. Adoption isn’t like it was 40 years ago where you walk into an adoption agency/orphanage and pick out your child and take it home that same day.  It’s now a big business where people spend tens of thousands of dollars just to be put on the waiting list!  There’s no guarantee that you’ll even be picked as the adoption parent.  So no….saying “just” adopt is not only insulting, but unrealistic in some cases. It's not like when I go to the grocery store and they don't have any cheddar cheese left, and I say to myself "oh well, I'll "just" get some Colby jack instead" If you think adoption is easy or the “answer” to getting me pregnant, then you haven’t tried the adoption process recently!

4.     Try going on vacation, it will happen then…

o   Been there, tried that!  We even went to Jamaica where the sands were supposed to be “fertile!”  It didn’t work!  And yes, when you’re on vacation you’re so relaxed (see#1) and still nothing!  Now, vacations aren’t an option…wanna know why…because we’re broke!  We’re broke because we’ve spent a ton of money trying to get pregnant with doctors and nurses in the room because the old fashion way didn’t work…when I was on vacation!

5.     Why don’t you just do IVF?

o   Should I just do IVF before or after I just adopt (see #3). Do you have 10 grand I can have in order to "try" it?  Yeah because IVF is not guaranteed.  There is no money back guarantee if it doesn’t work.  You pay upfront (most places don’t have payment plans or a lay-a-way option) just in the hopes that it works. If is doesn’t, then you start all over again…for another $10K! Oh plus I'll need $3-5,000 more for the meds and shots…since none of this is covered by our insurance (along with most people…not all, but most!)

6.     Have you tried standing on your head after sex?

o   Yes, as a matter of fact I have and it’s really uncomfortable and it sucks when you have hard wood floors! Next question…

7.     You must not be praying hard enough

o   Yep…that’s it! You found the reason why I can’t have kids…I’m not praying hard enough! So daily prayers, crying out to God during another negative pregnancy test or another failed IUI, must not be enough!  Really?!?!  I’m pretty religious, so for you to tell me that I’m not praying enough is beyond ridiculous and infuriating! I pray…I pray A LOT!  And yes, I know that God answers all of our prayers, and maybe the answer is not what we want, but to tell me I’m just not praying enough…ugh! *insert eye roll!*

8.     Oh just wait until you have kids and then you'll understand!

o   Bitch I've been "waiting" for 10 years to "understand"!

9.     I'm so lucky because I’m so fertile!  You can just call me a Fertile Myrtle!  I wish you were more like me…

o   Seriously?!? Just rub it in my face!  Here I am trying and trying and your response to me opening up to you is, “I'm so lucky because I’m a Fertile Myrtle “yeah….Fuck you! Let me just rub it in your face that I have naturally big boobs while you sit there flat as a board…oh wait that wouldn’t be right.  Maybe that’s why you haven’t heard me throw that in your face! In what world do you live in that would make you think that throwing your blessed fertility in my face is the right thing to say?!? What the Hell?!?!

10.  Wow… you're so lucky you don't have kids!  This is hard work!

o   Lucky?!? Really?!? Did you seriously just tell me that I’m LUCKY because I don’t have kids?!? Yeah so lucky that I’m going broke trying to be unlucky! No shit it’s hard work you dumbass…it’s called parenthood!

11.  It must be nice not having kids and all the responsibility that goes along with it!

o   Ummm what?!? Come again... I can’t think of a snarky response to this.  Really?!?!

12.  I don't know why it's so hard for you to get pregnant; we got pregnant our first time!

o   Yeah fuck off!  Rub it in my face why don’t cha! 10 years trying over here…hey maybe I should see a doctor about this!  If it only took you one try and me a million…does that mean I win because I’ve had more sex than you?!? I don’t know why it’s so hard for us either! Maybe I should (see #3) after I (#4) while I’m (#6) and then I’ll get pregnant asshole!

13.  I just can't stop getting pregnant. We just look at each other and I'm pregnant again!

o   Must be nice Fertile Myrtle (see #9).

Trust me, most of us have prayed a lot, tried everything, and heard all of the stories.  With the internet and Google, we’ve even read up on all of the old wives tales trying to get pregnant. We’ve had more people in the room with us while trying to get pregnant (get your mind out of the gutter…I’m talking about the doctors and nurses) than we ever thought we would need.  We don’t want to hear about your friend’s sister, who knew a girl, whose brother married a woman whose cousin once removed adopted a baby and got pregnant the next day.

So what should you say to me or to someone who’s trying to have a baby and is having a hard time (besides “Here’s 10 grand for you!” J)?  How about this:

I’m sorry you’re going through this. 

I’m here for you. 

You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

Why Us?!?

So many of you have commented on how positive my attitude is and how I usually look at the glass half full with our infertility struggles. This is typically true...I say “typically” because there’s going to be that one person out there reading this that’s thinks I’m a totally crazy bitch….hmmmm to each their own. :)

Honestly, getting to this positive stage in my life took years…not days, but YEARS!  When we started trying to have kids I was young (not 16 young, but young). I was 26, pretty healthy and thought getting pregnant would be easy.  You have a couple of beers (hey I was poor and in my 20s, beer it was), a fun romp in the hay and wham-bam pregnant…right?!? Wrong!  Ok no big deal; this was the first time having sex off birth control so of course it wouldn't happen the FIRST time. Well maybe next time…we didn't have much time before Dave was going to leave for Iraq so we better get going on this whole baby making thing. We really wanted to get pregnant….just in case. Hey, I know it sounds morbid, but its reality.  Too many of our military guys (and gals) don’t come home when they go to defend our country.  We wanted to have a family just in case.

Anyway, back to our sex life & baby making crusade…. It didn't happen the first month, I was okay with that.  The 2^nd month goes by, still not pregnant….alright.  3^rd and last month before he deploys, and still no positive pregnancy test.  This month it sinks in and it hurts.  I cried in the bathroom for what seemed like hours knowing this was the last month it could happen before he leaves. 

Fast-forward a little while and Dave comes home!  We start trying again but we're still unsuccessful at getting pregnant. Every month when AF (Aunt Flo aka your period) comes to visit or you take a pregnancy test and you get another BFN (big fat NO!) you lose a little part of you.  Your childhood friends all are starting to have kids. Your college friends are all getting married and starting to have kids.  Even your younger sisters are having kids and here you sit happily married and still no kids.  Every month is a loss.  Every month you try and try and still nothing.  There were months where I thought I “Just knew!” I was pregnant!  I could feel it!  This was it!  I prepared in my head for how I was going to surprise Dave with the news.  I picked out a couple of names for the "baby".  I have the hypothetical nursery all decorated, I have everything ready….and then it happens. The disappointment, the loss, the agony, the never-ending tears…the pain! Oh God the pain!  Your heart feels like it is literally being ripped out of your chest! Unfortunately in our journey, this happened more than once.  More than twice. For crying out loud, this happened more than a dozen times.  Every month for years I thought…this was it. That equates to about 60 months of the same thing over and over. Groundhogs day of negative pregnancy tests over and over and over and over again! For about 5 years I thought maybe this month!  Maybe this is our time! And it never happened.  We never got our positive test result.  And through all of this we have people asking us….”So when are you going to start having kids?” We just sat there in silence and were quiet in our own agony.

The only thing left to do was wonder…why us?  Why were we being punished?!  Was this karma for something I did 10 years ago? 15 years ago? 20 years ago?!?! What could I have possibly done that was so wrong in my life to deserve this? I said I was never going to be that person that said ‘why me’!  I was stronger than that! My bathroom floor knew the truth though! My bathroom floor KNEW I wasn't strong enough! My bathroom floor held me up when I crumbled after each and every negative pregnancy test.  My bathroom floor has been flooded by my tears.  So I did start to wonder! I did cry out, I did ask…why us? 

The only thing left I knew I could do was to become numb.  Numb to it all.  We’re not trying anymore.  If it happens it happens.  You then start to hear it all…all the stupid shit people say to you (that will be my next post!) Just relax!  Once you stop trying, then it will happen! Oh just get a dog, and then you’ll become pregnant!  Really?!?!  Just adopt….ummm when did adoption become easy?  If you think it is, then you haven’t tried it in the past 5-10 years! I’m just numb. The crying begins to stop, the aching starts to stop, the agony all stops. With numbness comes a wall.  I’m happy for other people, but numb to trying to have a baby myself.  Slowly I begin to enjoy life again.  Slowly I start holding babies again and feeling joy for other people. Slowly I’m smiling more and accepting our fate. Slowly I’m regaining myself again.  Before I know it, and I honestly don’t know when it happened, but I’m back!  I’m finally okay with everything. I've been smiling now for years!

Now that we've opened up about our infertility, I can’t express how freeing it is. My smile is genuine.  My outlook on our future is positive.  I lived in tears for so long that I made a decision years ago that I just can’t do that anymore!  I now live in a world of hope and silver linings.  My world isn't filled with rainbows and delusions, but it is filled with hope.  I refuse to live this short life angry and bitter. I have to think positively. I have to believe in good.  I have to have hope! So yes, I am positive and I am optimistic and trust me...this is a much better life!  It may have taken me awhile to get to this place, but now that I'm here I refuse to go back!  I"m sure I will have more disappointments along the way and tears will be shed, but I won't give up. I will hold my head up high and move forward.  I refuse to give up hope! Here's to hope!