Seriously?!?

***DISCLAIMER***

- A major adult temper tantrum rant is about to happen below.  Close your webpage if you don't want to be subjected...I won't blame you if you turn back now!

Last chance to turn away....

I had to stop at one of the local superstores the other day for a few items.  On my way in, there was this woman with 2 kids around 6 & 8.  Who knows what happened in the store but what happened in the parking lot was uncalled for! She was pushing the cart, they were following behind her (slowly) and she kept yelling at them, "Hurry the F*#k up!" "Quit effing talking!" "Shut the eff up!"  Ummmmm seriously...she has kids and I don't...nice!

Later that day...yep same day...I'm at another store in line and a young(ish) woman in her mid 20's with 3 kids is talking the same way to her children...ALL of which are under the age of 5!  I mean come on people!!! Seriously?!  I know life's not fair...but c'mon!

What the f#@k is wrong with parents now a days?!? If you don't want to parent, then don't get knocked up!   You DO know what causes this whole pregnancy thing right?!?! Parenting is hard work!  Yes I know, I'm reminded all the effing time that I'm not a mom so how would I know.  Let me tell you something....I was a kindergarten teacher!!!  You have 2 kids for a few hours a day, I had 30 of them BY MYSELF most of the day Monday-Friday!  It's hard work and GREAT practice in becoming a parent! You have to do what you say and say what you mean!  End of story!  They are children. If you show weakness, then they win!  Teaching for so long has given me practice...lots and lots of practice...so I don't need you to remind me that I "don't know what I'm talking about!" Shut the f#@% up!

It really pisses me off when I see all these "parents" that don't have time to parent their kids. They put their kids in front of the TV or iPad so they don't have to deal with them, and then keep popping babies out left and right.  Here I sit (in stirrups!) paying all this money trying to have just one! I know my time will come and if one more person tells me "oh just wait..." I think I might scream!

So here's a piece of advice from a non-mom (who's trying desperately to be a mom no matter the cost or the price) to all you moms that don't want to parent because it's interfering with your life....grow up and woman up! It is your duty as a mom to BE a mom!  Yes, it's hard..if you don't want to do it, then stop having babies!!!  Stop talking to your children as if they are 20 year old sailors! Educate your children, raise them to be productive humans in our society and not bratty kids who think they are owed something!  Teach them the meaning of respect, and the meaning of the word no!  Quit giving in to them, just because it's "easier" to give in to what they want instead of teaching them to work hard for what they want.  Too many kids feel entitled..stop it! Be a parent, and not their friend!  And if you can't...stop complaining to me about how your kids won't listen to you!  I'm done!

Ok, I feel better now!  :)
Where's the wine?!?!

Poked, Prodded...and Pictures!

So today I had another appointment related to the IVF study that we're trying so hard to get into!  This was actually a first for me.  Now, as most of you have read I've been poked, prodded, and pricked time and time again.  Another test, another dollar (hundreds), another set of stirrups.  I've seen it all, done it all, been through it all...or at least I thought! This was yet, another first for me. I even took pictures! (Nooooo, not those kinds of pictures!  C'mon my parents read this blog! :) I'm taking pictures to document all the things we go through to try to have a baby..medically speaking! Plus Dave is out of town and missed this appointment, so I was able to "include" him with all that I went through during our FaceTime session! HA!)

Today was a beautiful day outside (70 degrees!) and I didn't have to break my tradition of wearing a sundress for my appointment...you know for easy access! :)  They gave me some privacy (to take off my shoes) so I decided to take as many pictures for you all as possible without getting X-Rated and taking the pictures while I was in the stirrups...I do have some limits!

Anyway, I had to go in today to have a hydrosonogram done.  I've had an HSG before (basically dye shot into your uterus and Fallopian tubes while you're in the stirrups to see if your tubes are blocked at all while the room is full of doctors and nurses and one doctor is taking pictures of the inside of your body while you just stare at the ceiling spread eagle with your Hoo-Ha exposed to the world.  Yep, there's no modesty in any of this...) So I thought I knew basically what this was.  My doctor explained that it was similar but instead of dye it was a saline solution.  He would also be swabbing the inside of me with Betadine and of course...Mr. Ultrasound wand.   Here's the proof that my doctor's office does not use the white skinny wand like I wrote about in my earlier post, but instead the ultrasound dildo! What happened to the skinny ultrasound wand that everyone is always talking about?!?!  Huh?!?!  Where?!?! See!!!  Are you done laughing yet?!? :)

So my doctor and my nurse come in, and my doctor asks if it's ok with me that an intern join us.  My response to him is, "Of course it's alright!  I think everyone in this building has seen my Hoo-Ha by now, what's one more!"  My nurse giggles, the intern awkwardly giggles and my doctor, with his dry sense of humor, gives me a smirk!  Now that is HUGE for him!  Love him, but trying to get the man to crack a smile or tell a joke takes a lot out of me...but it is my mission everytime I see him!

He explains the procedure again, pulls over the ultrasound cart, gets me in the stirrups and we begin.  The lights go off, the TV on the wall turns on and the show begins...minus the popcorn.

The poor student intern (who is standing next to me by my face and not standing at the Hoo-Ha end) looks so uncomfortable! I feel bad for her so I look over and ask her if this is the type of medicine she wants to specialize in.  I catch her off guard and startle her.  I tell her "I'm just trying to make you more comfortable"  She looks at me shocked at says, "You are trying to make me more comfortable?!? You're the one in the stirrups with all of us in here!"  Yeah, but I'm used to this...was my response.  She proceed to tell me that no, this was not going to be her specialty (Thank God! lol)



So my doc pokes, prods, pokes some more and then realizes he needs something from the nurse.  She had to leave the room so my doctor wheels away from my Hoo-Ha so he can look me in my eyes and asks if I"m having fun yet! I started laughing (still in stirrups by the way) and say, "Oh yeah it's a real party in here!  Where's my balloons?!?"  Then he did it...he actually snickered!!!  I did it!  I did my job! I made him laugh!  We then proceed to talk about the upcoming golf tournament that will be going on to raise awareness for IF and funds for our group...all while I"m spread eagle in stirrups! Nothing ceases to amaze me anymore!

So back to the procedure....He coats my insides with Betadine with this ginormous q-tip looking thing (you should have seen Dave's reaction when he saw the picture here!  HA! Priceless!)

Then comes the syringe of saline...and when I say syringe you picture a normal size syringe right?!?  Nope, not for me....this is the syringe of saline I got for this procedure!  Yep!

 Now comes Mr. Ultrasound "wand" for some pictures.  There's tugging, prodding, poking, pulling, moving that thing around trying to get the best angle and the best picture and then finally it's over!  YAY! Oh wait...I'm leaking saline now everywhere.  Oh dear God are you serious! This is actually so embarrassing!  I'm in the stirrups (still!) spread eagle, leaking saline all over the table and now I hear it hitting the floor and my doctor rolls over and asks me a question! What?!  Hey doc...I'm a leaking faucet over here...can we talk about this in a minute!  To be honest, I have NO idea what he just asked me because all I'm concerned about right now is the fact that I'm leaking saline (oh God...I HOPE that's saline) all over the table and floor! I can expose my Hoo-Ha to the whole room and I'm not embarrassed, but have me leak all over the floor and I want to die! HA!   So I decide to suck it up and make a joke out of it! What else can I do in this situation right?!? :) He says I can get up..finally...and he'll talk to me in a minute.

I get cleaned up, dried off and get my shoes back on to go find out the news. Is it good, is it bad, what did he find?!? Is there still a puddle of saline out there on the floor!?!?  Oh hell...suck it up buttercup and get back out there! You can do this!  Time to face the music...

Doc lets me know that my uterus and tubes are perfect!  He found nothing!  YAY!  So I went through all of this and it was all worth it!  We are officially another step closer to IVF!

Keep the prayers coming!

Grateful & Guilty

I'm in a weird place right now that has me all kinds of mixed up.... As you know (if you've been following this blog since January) Dave and I have been on this infertility roller coaster for almost 10 years now. We've gone through the ups, the downs, being hopeful, being disappointed (time and time again!) laughing, crying, screaming, blocking all emotions, contentment, and sometimes all of it mixed into one.

I found my infertility support group and my whole life changed all in one summer. I found women who knew what I was going through and understood...like REALLY understood.  Not "pretending to understand" or wishing they could understand...but really understood all of this (unfortunately!) My hope began again.  We went to the fertility clinic again.  Started the tests again and finally took the next step.  Started the meds, went in month after month for IUI (turkey baster procedure) after IUI and the disappointment and frustration started all over again...but at least we were going in the right direction!

Then it happened...no not that (*insert eye roll here because now every time I have "news" people always assume that I'm about to make a pregnancy announcement! It's so damn annoying!  Give me some credit people..I have a Pinterest account! :) If and when I make a pregnancy announcement, it's going to be kickass!)..but an opportunity that presented itself that I didn't think was possible.  The fertility clinic that we go to in our area put out a commercial stating that they were going to do a new study and it would offer IVF to women who passed the screening at a HUGE discount!  I didn't see the commercial but a friend in my support group posted the information to our site.  I wasn't going to apply for it because there was talk about the study being closed already because of all the applicants.  Someone told me to try for it, so what the hell....why not! I'm usually an optimistic person, but I knew I wouldn't be chosen or pass the screening because so many other people that were deserving in our group didn't pass. But I called....no answer.  So I called again....voicemail! I called a third time...damn it! voicemail again! Ok I get it, this was some kind of sick joke or the study really was happening and they had so many phone calls and closed the study already and just decided that they would just send all of the new phone calls straight to voicemail.  Either way...oh well, I tried. One of the 10,000 reasons we started with IUI instead of IVF (petri dish procedure) was because of money and I really thought it would happen on my first try! $500-$700 vs $12,000-$17,000 makes for an easy decision! IVF though was our next step and this study would have been a great opportunity for us.  So I said fuck it...what else do I have to lose!  I called a fourth time, got voicemail and decided to leave a message.  Worse case scenario they don't call back.  15 minutes later though, they did call back!

The woman and I talked for about 5 minutes and my heart was pounding through my chest.  Every question she asked me led to another question. My voice was shaking through the whole phone screening. I even dropped the phone twice because my hand and my voice were both shaking at the same time now! What was happening to me?! What was my problem?!? The questions then stopped and that's when I knew she was going to thank me for calling and wish me a good day but tell me I wasn't a good candidate for this study...but that's not what she said.  She said, "Wonderful! I'm going to pass on your information to  our study coordinator and she'll be in touch for the next step"  Wha what!??!?  I passed?!?!  You mean I really passed!  Ok, now I know that this isn't the end and I"m in...but I passed the first round!  This is a HUGE ginormous step in the right direction toward IVF! I'm so grateful for this opportunity!

Then it hit...guilt! I'm blessed to have passed the pre-screening, but no one else in my group had.  I was the only one to move on.  Why?  So many other woman have paid tens of thousands of dollars to try to have a baby and I haven't paid nearly that yet.  Don't get me wrong we've spent tons of money; thousands,  but some woman have paid so much more! I should be so grateful, but instead right now I feel so guilty that I could possibly be chosen for this study. Guilty that my dreams may finally come true while others still wait and try.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I can't help it.  We've tried for almost 10 years to get this close. I need to hold on to that hope and just continue to pray for those who haven't had their dream come true yet...because technically we are still part of that group.  I'm not in the study (yet!), we haven't done IVF (yet!) and I still don't have a baby (yet!).

So I guess I'm going to end this post by asking all of you for a favor.  Whatever you believe, please say a little prayer for Dave and I, and also for everyone out there suffering and living with infertility that all of our dreams may one day come true!