Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Oops, Wrong Doctor!

We all make mistakes, right?!?  We accidentally buy the red apples instead of the green apples. We forget to pick up the milk when we're at the grocery store. We call someone by the wrong name. We strip and get half naked for the dentist.....ummmmm oops, wrong doctor! Sorry Dr. S! C'mon, you mean to tell me you've never done that before?!?

When a woman, such as myself, is going through infertility it becomes second nature to just get half naked at every doctor's appointment without having to be told to do so. We sometimes forget that the dentist, who is still a doctor, is not the kind of doctor that wants to see you naked... hopefully! :) We get so used to dropping trow whenever we go to the doctor that it becomes a routine.  We walk into the doctor's office, we drop trow, and hop on the table. Now we wait for the doctors and nurses (yes, plural...because why would we care about modestly at this point?!  The more the merrier right?!?). My doctor usually gets right down to business; not a lot of small dinner, no movie, no nothing. Can I at least get a glass of wine before we get to the next part?!?

Ultrasound time!  I remember the first time this happened. I've heard the word before.  I know the concept, even if I've never been pregnant before.  I've seen it in the movies and on TV shows. I even talked about it at my first consultation meeting with my doctor, so I knew it was coming. I'm ready!  This is going to be so cool!  I'm sitting on the table with nothing on waist down except for the sheet that they give you.  The doctors and nurses walk in and say it's time for the ultrasound and to slide on down the table and put my feet into the stirrups. Wait, what?!?!....stirrups?!?!  You said it was ultrasound time.  You know...put all the goop on my belly and then that machine thing that looks like a police radar gun goes on the goop and some black and white lines show up on the TV screen.  Why on Earth do I need to get into stirrups for that?!?! Then it happened. The nurse comes over and puts a condom on this huge dildo (yes dildo!) looking thing that is attached to a TV on a cart.  What the hell is that thing, and why did she just wheel the cart over my way? Oh, this must be some new kind of ultrasound machine just for fertility doctors! Right?!?  But wait, there's no goop on my belly and the doc just picked up the dildo with a condom on it. Wait!!! Oh dear God in heaven, please tell me that you're not about to do what I think you're about to do! Yes, yes he is!  (Thank God Dave is here in the room with me, because I don't think I could have retold the story the right way if he wasn't there to witness it!) Before I could even ask my stupid question about where the goop was for my belly, that "thing" is now doing the ultrasound....internally!!! Yep, there I am on display with not only my husband in the room but also a couple of doctors, a nurse or two and maybe some guy selling tickets to the show (I lost count of the people in the room by this point because I was still waiting for them to do an ultrasound with the goop on my belly!  Damn it people, where's my belly goop?!?!). Then I notice it, (as if this story couldn't get any more horrifying) my lady part insides are not only on display on the little TV that was on the cart with the ultrasound dildo with the condom on it, but it's ALSO on the big ass high def big-screen TV that's mounted on the wall!  Yep, there's the inside of me on full display!  The only thing missing to this multiple screen lady-part, spread eagle movie adventure was the surround sound and some popcorn! But we're not done yet, the story gets better! The "ultrasound" wand doesn't just go peacefully inside of you and take a picture....oh nooooooo! The doctor is looking for your follicles in your ovaries...both ovaries! So it goes on over to the left ovary....then over to the right.  But wait, he wants to measure the follicles he finds in the right ovary, so back on over to the right Mr. Ultrasound Wand goes.  He hangs out there for a minute, the doc talks about the size of the follicles on the right, measures them on one of the TV screens and then back over to the left we go!  Hey doc...I think I'm chocking on a piece of the condom in my mouth! Can we ease up for a minute?!?! Then it's over!  FINALLY! I'm still spread eagle laying there on the table and I look over at Dave.  He doesn't know where to look!  He's looking at the floor, he's looking at the ceiling, he looks at me! He just squeezes my hand and I am left speechless and let out a little laugh! This just happened didn't it?!? So needles to say, my first experience having an ultrasound was NOT like how I pictured it at all!

I understand what it means now and what I'm in store for! I've actually become used to this...sad I know (in more ways that one!) I even have this "adventure" down to a science. I try to wear a sundress (easier to just drop my panties rather than the whole panties, pants, shoes, socks thing), and I just hop up on the table ready for the multiple screen movie adventure to begin and hope for some good follicle news. I wait for the nurses to come in and put a condom on my friend (because we we all know that Mr. IUW (internal ultrasound wand) has been around the block a time or two.  I wasn't his first adventure of the day, and I won't be his last!..Whore!) Then I wait so I can show the whole world my lady parts while my insides are put on display on the big screen TV on the wall.  Yep, this is my life! Drop trow, hop on table, feet in stirrups, spread eagle,insert ultrasound wand, rinse and repeat.

This is the reason why I  have to be really mindful whenever I go to another type of doctor..i.e. the dentist! I have to remember that I'm actually supposed to keep ALL of my clothes on when seeing other doctors! (Keep your clothes on Kristy,  Keep your clothes on Kristy, Keep your clothes on Kristy, all I keep repeating when I'm in a regular doctor's office). Mistakes are bound to happen though!  Especially when you feel like all of your doctors visits are spent half naked with a condom covered wand displaying all of your lady internal parts is inside of you....right?!?  Well. the good news is, my dentist decided not to press charges. Bad news...I need to find a new dentist! :)


  1. I don't feel like my doctor and i are acquainted until he shoves that wand into my glitter box.

    Oh the joys of infertility

    1. OMG you are too funny!!!! I have NEVER heard that phrase before! Mind if I steal it?!? Glitter box! HA!!!!

    2. oh dear heaven Kristy, I have just laughed hysterically for a full 35 minutes. I stop and then get the giggles all over again.I hate the situation you find yourself in having to go through all this, but I'm amazed at the humour you display too.
      Thank you for the laugh, much love and hugz for you and Dave xx