Friday, April 24, 2015

You Are Not Alone...and Neither am I!

For 9 years we were suffering with infertility silently.  We didn't talk about it with anyone! No one! Not our friends, not our family and a lot of the times, not even with each other.  It was like if we didn't talk about it and acknowledge it then it wasn't real.  Maybe next month it would happen...but 'next month' never happened. Then we started going to an infertility doctor and we were still silent.  I didn't even look at anyone in the eye in the waiting room...even though they were there for the exact same reason.  I was ashamed, and still felt alone.

Then a miracle happened (no...not THAT miracle), I was introduced to a Resolve support group by a dear friend who was going through infertility too.  I went to my first meeting and it was miraculous.  I knew deep down I wasn't alone, but now I was in the same room with other women who were sharing their stories and I truly knew I wasn't alone.  Everything changed!  And then it happened...6 months later I told everyone in a big way!  This blog!  Yes!  Go big or go home right?!? My coming out story was on January 1st, 2014 and I never looked back.  It was a release, a way of sharing with others, a way to make others feel not so alone.  Since my first Resolve support group meeting until now, a little over a year later, we have gone through 4 failed IUI's and 2 failed IVF's. I felt defeated!

I thought about giving up blogging.  What was the point?  What else did I have to share and say? I feel like I'm stuck in a place where I'm not sure which road to take. The fork in the road so to leading to a childless life, and one leading to possibly having children but knowing that it may take another 10 years of trying, more treatments, more shots, more ultrasounds, more 2-week waits, more disappointment, more tears and more heartache.  Which path do I take?  Which road do I go down?  When will I decide?  The answer is...I have no idea!

I needed some time to think, some time to find the answer and last weekend was so beautiful outside!  Dave was gone and I wanted to soak up as much of the sun as I could, so I decided to weed the garden we made last year and plant a few tomato plants and some lettuce...the other veggies would just have to wait.  I was done weeding, and churning around the soil and decided to drag the 70 lb bags of soil from the side of the house into the backyard to where the garden was because I didn't want to wait for him to get home. I was so excited to grow something! So I planted the few tomato plants I had and the various varieties of lettuce I just bought and started the sprinkler to make sure everything would have the perfect environment to grow.

It was then that I looked around the backyard and it hit me like a ton of bricks!  My heart sank into my stomach and I couldn't move. We built that garden last year during our first try at IVF. We thought it was going to work.  It was supposed to work, but it didn't.  Neither did the next IVF.   I stood there in the middle of my backyard staring at my garden crying uncontrollably. I can grown lettuce and tomatoes and cucumbers the size of my arm, but I can't grow a baby in my belly (even with the help of multiple infertility doctors).  Why?  What was wrong with me?  I was a mess...literally and figuratively! The pain of our multiples losses hit me all over again like it was yesterday.  Am I going to resent my tomatoes now because they can reproduce and I can't?

Luckily, I was able to turn to another infertile friend about this and it made me remember that I wasn't alone.  I was alone for SO many years and now I wasn't!  So many years I was quiet and maybe in denial.  For so many years I didn't reach out and didn't have support besides my husband. Talking about our infertility released such a calm over me.  A weight was finally lifted that I had never felt in the 9 years that we struggled alone!  Even when it felt like we were alone, we were never really alone...and neither are you!  1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility and I am one of those 8! I am not ashamed to reach out to my amazing support group when I need them.  If you feel like you are alone in this, please reach out and find a support group in your area by visiting the Resolve site HERE.  You are NOT alone!

People say I'm strong for writing this blog and for talking about something so personal.  Honestly, I'm only strong because I have the love and support of many other women going through the same thing.  I am not alone anymore and I am stronger now than I ever imagined I could be.  I am forever thankful to my support group and the amazing friends I have found through this heartbreaking journey.

You are NOT alone!