Friday, January 31, 2014

Hopeful or Hopeless?

So as you know, I'm in a better place now in my life with respect to trying to have a baby.  I can go to baby showers and not cry.  I can hold babies and not tear up. I can really be happy for all of my pregnant friends without feeling extremely envious.  This of course, took many years to happen. It did not happen overnight.

When we first started trying to have a baby, I would go through so many pregnancy tests (which isn't cheap!) at just the thought of my period being late.  If my period was a day late, I would test.  Of course it was negative, but I wasn't discouraged.  If anything, I was a little hopeful.  Maybe I tested too early and it was wrong.  Maybe I was that person who got the false negative!  Month after month I would test and month after month it would still be negative. It was okay, I was still hopeful....

Years later that hope started to fade away, and I was left feeling hopeless. Every month when Aunt Flo came to visit, a little piece of me disintegrated. If I thought about it too much, I always ended up a puddle of goo in tears laying in fetal position on the floor.  I had to stay strong. I had to move on and build up that wall (easier said than done!). I couldn't keep going through this month after month.  I was spending so much money on ovulation tests and pregnancy tests every month only to keep getting disappointed. Looking back on it I should have bought stock in the company.  If I would have bought stock back then, maybe I would be able to afford IVF now...

Today I'm starting to get my hope back more and more, but I'm cautious about it.  I can't emotionally invest too much. Each day is different. Each day I get stronger and stronger, but sometimes I slip back to my old self. The other month (when we were on a break from all of our fertility treatments) Aunt Flo was a day late. I got a little excited.  The butterflies were in my stomach. The "what if" thoughts started to drift into my head.  What if I'm finally pregnant?  What if this month it really happened?  What if the months of drugs and shots and fertility treatments really worked?  What if....

No!  I can't do that..I won't do that!  In that moment I knew what I had to do.  I HAD to shoot those daydreams down!  I forced the words and dreams out of my head.  I've worked so hard to get to where I am now, I can't slip back.  I wont go back!  I love being happy and excited.  I love having a little bit of hope, but I can't think like that anymore. When all of those hopes and dreams slip into my mind, I have to remember that it's not real.  I can dream, and I can wish, and I can hope, but not too much.  In the end, I need to be realistic.  I need to remember that right now we are on a break from fertility treatments and getting pregnant on our own isn't our reality. We haven't been able to get pregnant in the last 10 years on our own, so why would I think that it would happen now?

So my question to you is this: what's worse....being hopeful or being hopeless?  I'm still trying to figure that one out. I don't know if I'll ever have the answer...but here's hoping! :)

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Bad Swimmers or Scrambled Eggs?

Now  that we're blogging about infertility we get a lot of people asking questions, talking to us about their struggles with infertility, and a lot of prayers and well wishes (keep them coming!!!)! This has been amazing in so many ways!  I don't feel so alone anymore and a part of me feels like I'm helping other couples going through the same thing. So far this has been an amazing experience...the blog, not the infertility!

So I got this question recently about our infertility…”So whose fault is it anyway?”  At first I was caught off guard but I answered like any person would, and stated the results of our numerous tests we've had. I wasn't offended by the curiosity (c’mon I’m blogging about my sex life and dropping trow in the middle of doctor’s offices’…how offended could I get?!?!), but the way the question was asked had me irked.  Whose fault?!?  Fault insinuates that there's blame in our situation.  Fault is negative. Fault suggests that there should be guilt and one of us ought to be ashamed of our infertility.

So now here is my new answer to that question: Infertility is happening to US!  We are a team.  Does it really matter if he has bad swimmers or if I have broken and scrambled eggs?  We are a united front and this is happening to the both of us. I don’t blame him, and he doesn't blame me.  Infertility is so hard on a marriage as it is, that if we started blaming each other for it we would have been divorced years ago. If you want to move forward, then you can’t have blame.  When asking, “Whose fault is it?” then you're assigning blame to a hard enough situation.  Come to think about it, I really should respond to that question with “Whose fault is it that you're so stupid and insensitive you Jackass!?”

Since we are now an open book about our journey and our struggles with infertility and we know people have questions, how about asking it like this: “Do you know the cause of your infertility?” or “Do you know the reason?” I’m not the most PC person, as you can tell by all of my swearing and snarkiness in my posts, but have a little common courtesy people.  Think before you speak because if you don’t, I may just end up calling you a jackass and direct you to my blog post Stupid S#!t People Say!

I would never wish infertility on anyone! It's not a "club" you want to belong to (as some people think it is...more on that later!) It's hard enough on a couple as it is without adding blame into the mix.  I've heard stories of where infertility has ripped people apart. I will not let that happen to us.  We've been through this together for 10 years.  We are a team, and we are one!  There isn't fault...but there is hope!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Coming Out of the Closet (so to speak!)

I can't express to everyone how grateful we are for all of the kind words, thoughts, and prayers you have sent our way since we came out of the closet (so to speak) 18 days ago. I never thought that telling my story about our infertility and our struggles to have a baby would be so freeing!  It's like a weight has been lifted off of our shoulders that we've been carrying around alone for all these years.  

The very first post was pretty hard to write. I summed up almost 10 years of infertility silence in one post.  It was even harder though to press "Publish" and share with all of our friends on Facebook.  I remember the exact moment early in the morning on the 1st of January as I was getting ready to press the share button.  I was sweating, was short of breath and my hands were shaking! I think it took me 10 minutes to share it. The words, "This is it, there's no going back after this!" kept ringing in my head.  All the "what-if's" kept rolling around.  Finally I did it! I put on my big-girl panties and I pushed the button. In that moment I held my breath and just waited.  What would everyone say?  What would their response be? Why do I even care?!?!

I cared, because for so many years Dave and I carried this secret around by ourselves. We were looked at like a selfish, weird couple because we didn't have kids.  People look at you as if you have 3 heads when you're happily married and don't have any children. First, you get the pity looks from people. Then of course comes all the stupid shit people want to say to you! I think it would have been easier for people if Dave and I were on the verge of divorce and unhappy because then they would have said, "Oh thank God you don't have kids! All you do is fight and argue and kids don't need to see that!" But guess what, we are happy...most of the time!  We are in love...yep, still head over heals in love with each other!  And we aren't on the verge of divorce. That's hard for people to understand.  If you're married, and happy, then you should have kids. I agree, but guess what...that's not always the case! Infertility had other plans for us.

People don't know how to talk about infertility. People don't know how to respond to it when it is brought up.  So what ends up happening is people keep quiet.  They don't talk about it. That's what we did! You feel like you're all alone in this.  You feel like no one else is going through it.  You hear about infertility every so often on TV or in movies.  You hear about the celebrity who used a surrogate or did IVF, but you still feel alone.  You know in your head that you're obviously not the only one,  but in your heart you feel like you are the only one! You feel ashamed because everyone around you is having kids so easily (so you think) and you can't, so you keep quiet. You put a smile on your face in public, and you cry yourself to sleep at night.

When my friend, J, invited me to her Resolve group after I slipped and opened up about our infertility almost a year ago, I finally found women going through the same thing as me!  I wasn't alone anymore! There was a group of us!  This group saved me and gave me back my hope for having a baby. Slowly I opened up more and more and I was beginning feel more comfortable. Holy shit, this was so freeing! I wasn't so ashamed anymore, and I didn't feel like I had three heads! Now I'm trying to be a voice and a face for infertility.  I want to help other couples going through the same thing!  You are not alone! For me, talking (and now blogging) about it was the most freeing thing I could have done. For others, it may be art therapy or writing in a journal. I don't really regret waiting so long to do it because I needed to get to this place, but I do wish I would have found my support group sooner. Knowing in your head and your heart that you're not alone is the best feeling in the world, especially through all the years of pain and disappointment!

So what I wanted to say to all of you reading this and commenting is...thank you!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening and reading our story! For all of you still suffering alone in silence about your infertility, please know that you are not alone!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Stupid S#!t People Say....

 Stupid Shit People Say....

These are phrases and statements you should not say to a woman or a couple trying to get pregnant...especially those who you KNOW are having fertility issues. Most of these phrases are not used by people with common sense so there's no need in trying to memorize what to say and what not to say to us. But yes, all of these statements have been said to me at some point in our journey, even AFTER opening up about our infertility...

1.     Just relax…then it will happen
o   In the beginning of our journey we were so relaxed we were a puddle of goo.  10 years later we are “relaxed” again, but telling a woman who is desperately trying to get pregnant to “relax” is like telling a bull not to charge.  Relaxation is not so easy when years go by and you still don’t have anything to show for all of your hard work.  Telling me to relax only pisses me off and gets me more spun up!  So next time you think about telling someone to “just relax and then it will happen” think about telling a charging bull to slow down or stop, because you will have better luck making that happen first!

2.     Stop trying and then it will happen. 
o   Ummmm last time I checked, you need to try and have sex to make it happen.  I’m not the Virgin Mary, so telling me to stop trying will not create this baby.  I know what you’re trying to say…but that goes along with the whole “just relax” statement above…

3.     Maybe you should just adopt, then you'll get pregnant. I had a friend who knew this girl, whose sister had a friend who got pregnant right after they adopted their child… Everyone has a “friend” who this happened to!
o   Oh just adopt...yeah cause it soooooo easy to "just" adopt. Adoption is a personal choice for couples.  Sometimes it takes YEARS and years to adopt a baby. Adoption isn’t like it was 40 years ago where you walk into an adoption agency/orphanage and pick out your child and take it home that same day.  It’s now a big business where people spend tens of thousands of dollars just to be put on the waiting list!  There’s no guarantee that you’ll even be picked as the adoption parent.  So no….saying “just” adopt is not only insulting, but unrealistic in some cases. It's not like when I go to the grocery store and they don't have any cheddar cheese left, and I say to myself "oh well, I'll "just" get some Colby jack instead" If you think adoption is easy or the “answer” to getting me pregnant, then you haven’t tried the adoption process recently!

4.     Try going on vacation, it will happen then…
o   Been there, tried that!  We even went to Jamaica where the sands were supposed to be “fertile!”  It didn’t work!  And yes, when you’re on vacation you’re so relaxed (see#1) and still nothing!  Now, vacations aren’t an option…wanna know why…because we’re broke!  We’re broke because we’ve spent a ton of money trying to get pregnant with doctors and nurses in the room because the old fashion way didn’t work…when I was on vacation!

5.     Why don’t you just do IVF?
o   Should I just do IVF before or after I just adopt (see #3). Do you have 10 grand I can have in order to "try" it?  Yeah because IVF is not guaranteed.  There is no money back guarantee if it doesn’t work.  You pay upfront (most places don’t have payment plans or a lay-a-way option) just in the hopes that it works. If is doesn’t, then you start all over again…for another $10K! Oh plus I'll need $3-5,000 more for the meds and shots…since none of this is covered by our insurance (along with most people…not all, but most!)

6.     Have you tried standing on your head after sex?
o   Yes, as a matter of fact I have and it’s really uncomfortable and it sucks when you have hard wood floors! Next question…

7.     You must not be praying hard enough
o   Yep…that’s it! You found the reason why I can’t have kids…I’m not praying hard enough! So daily prayers, crying out to God during another negative pregnancy test or another failed IUI, must not be enough!  Really?!?!  I’m pretty religious, so for you to tell me that I’m not praying enough is beyond ridiculous and infuriating! I pray…I pray A LOT!  And yes, I know that God answers all of our prayers, and maybe the answer is not what we want, but to tell me I’m just not praying enough…ugh! *insert eye roll!*

8.     Oh just wait until you have kids and then you'll understand!
o   Bitch I've been "waiting" for 10 years to "understand"!

9.     I'm so lucky because I’m so fertile!  You can just call me a Fertile Myrtle!  I wish you were more like me…
o   Seriously?!? Just rub it in my face!  Here I am trying and trying and your response to me opening up to you is, “I'm so lucky because I’m a Fertile Myrtle “yeah….Fuck you! Let me just rub it in your face that I have naturally big boobs while you sit there flat as a board…oh wait that wouldn’t be right.  Maybe that’s why you haven’t heard me throw that in your face! In what world do you live in that would make you think that throwing your blessed fertility in my face is the right thing to say?!? What the Hell?!?!

10.  Wow… you're so lucky you don't have kids!  This is hard work!
o   Lucky?!? Really?!? Did you seriously just tell me that I’m LUCKY because I don’t have kids?!? Yeah so lucky that I’m going broke trying to be unlucky! No shit it’s hard work you dumbass…it’s called parenthood!

11.  It must be nice not having kids and all the responsibility that goes along with it!
o   Ummm what?!? Come again... I can’t think of a snarky response to this.  Really?!?!

12.  I don't know why it's so hard for you to get pregnant; we got pregnant our first time!
o   Yeah fuck off!  Rub it in my face why don’t cha! 10 years trying over here…hey maybe I should see a doctor about this!  If it only took you one try and me a million…does that mean I win because I’ve had more sex than you?!? I don’t know why it’s so hard for us either! Maybe I should (see #3) after I (#4) while I’m (#6) and then I’ll get pregnant asshole!

13.  I just can't stop getting pregnant. We just look at each other and I'm pregnant again!
o   Must be nice Fertile Myrtle (see #9).

Trust me, most of us have prayed a lot, tried everything, and heard all of the stories.  With the internet and Google, we’ve even read up on all of the old wives tales trying to get pregnant. We’ve had more people in the room with us while trying to get pregnant (get your mind out of the gutter…I’m talking about the doctors and nurses) than we ever thought we would need.  We don’t want to hear about your friend’s sister, who knew a girl, whose brother married a woman whose cousin once removed adopted a baby and got pregnant the next day.

So what should you say to me or to someone who’s trying to have a baby and is having a hard time (besides “Here’s 10 grand for you!” J)?  How about this:
I’m sorry you’re going through this. 
I’m here for you. 
You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Why Us?!?

So many of you have commented on how positive my attitude is and how I usually look at the glass half full with our infertility struggles. This is typically true...I say “typically” because there’s going to be that one person out there reading this that’s thinks I’m a totally crazy bitch….hmmmm to each their own. :)

Honestly, getting to this positive stage in my life took years…not days, but YEARS!  When we started trying to have kids I was young (not 16 young, but young). I was 26, pretty healthy and thought getting pregnant would be easy.  You have a couple of beers (hey I was poor and in my 20s, beer it was), a fun romp in the hay and wham-bam pregnant…right?!? Wrong!  Ok no big deal; this was the first time having sex off birth control so of course it wouldn't happen the FIRST time. Well maybe next time…we didn't have much time before Dave was going to leave for Iraq so we better get going on this whole baby making thing. We really wanted to get pregnant….just in case. Hey, I know it sounds morbid, but its reality.  Too many of our military guys (and gals) don’t come home when they go to defend our country.  We wanted to have a family just in case.

Anyway, back to our sex life & baby making crusade…. It didn't happen the first month, I was okay with that.  The 2nd month goes by, still not pregnant….alright.  3rd and last month before he deploys, and still no positive pregnancy test.  This month it sinks in and it hurts.  I cried in the bathroom for what seemed like hours knowing this was the last month it could happen before he leaves. 

Fast-forward a little while and Dave comes home!  We start trying again but we're still unsuccessful at getting pregnant. Every month when AF (Aunt Flo aka your period) comes to visit or you take a pregnancy test and you get another BFN (big fat NO!) you lose a little part of you.  Your childhood friends all are starting to have kids. Your college friends are all getting married and starting to have kids.  Even your younger sisters are having kids and here you sit happily married and still no kids.  Every month is a loss.  Every month you try and try and still nothing.  There were months where I thought I “Just knew!” I was pregnant!  I could feel it!  This was it!  I prepared in my head for how I was going to surprise Dave with the news.  I picked out a couple of names for the "baby".  I have the hypothetical nursery all decorated, I have everything ready….and then it happens. The disappointment, the loss, the agony, the never-ending tears…the pain! Oh God the pain!  Your heart feels like it is literally being ripped out of your chest! Unfortunately in our journey, this happened more than once.  More than twice. For crying out loud, this happened more than a dozen times.  Every month for years I thought…this was it. That equates to about 60 months of the same thing over and over. Groundhogs day of negative pregnancy tests over and over and over and over again! For about 5 years I thought maybe this month!  Maybe this is our time! And it never happened.  We never got our positive test result.  And through all of this we have people asking us….”So when are you going to start having kids?” We just sat there in silence and were quiet in our own agony.

The only thing left to do was wonder…why us?  Why were we being punished?!  Was this karma for something I did 10 years ago? 15 years ago? 20 years ago?!?! What could I have possibly done that was so wrong in my life to deserve this? I said I was never going to be that person that said ‘why me’!  I was stronger than that! My bathroom floor knew the truth though! My bathroom floor KNEW I wasn't strong enough! My bathroom floor held me up when I crumbled after each and every negative pregnancy test.  My bathroom floor has been flooded by my tears.  So I did start to wonder! I did cry out, I did ask…why us? 

The only thing left I knew I could do was to become numb.  Numb to it all.  We’re not trying anymore.  If it happens it happens.  You then start to hear it all…all the stupid shit people say to you (that will be my next post!) Just relax!  Once you stop trying, then it will happen! Oh just get a dog, and then you’ll become pregnant!  Really?!?!  Just adopt….ummm when did adoption become easy?  If you think it is, then you haven’t tried it in the past 5-10 years! I’m just numb. The crying begins to stop, the aching starts to stop, the agony all stops. With numbness comes a wall.  I’m happy for other people, but numb to trying to have a baby myself.  Slowly I begin to enjoy life again.  Slowly I start holding babies again and feeling joy for other people. Slowly I’m smiling more and accepting our fate. Slowly I’m regaining myself again.  Before I know it, and I honestly don’t know when it happened, but I’m back!  I’m finally okay with everything. I've been smiling now for years!

Now that we've opened up about our infertility, I can’t express how freeing it is. My smile is genuine.  My outlook on our future is positive.  I lived in tears for so long that I made a decision years ago that I just can’t do that anymore!  I now live in a world of hope and silver linings.  My world isn't filled with rainbows and delusions, but it is filled with hope.  I refuse to live this short life angry and bitter. I have to think positively. I have to believe in good.  I have to have hope! So yes, I am positive and I am optimistic and trust me...this is a much better life!  It may have taken me awhile to get to this place, but now that I'm here I refuse to go back!  I"m sure I will have more disappointments along the way and tears will be shed, but I won't give up. I will hold my head up high and move forward.  I refuse to give up hope! Here's to hope!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

What to Say, What NOT to Say...That is the Question!


First of all what I'm about to say only reflects MY opinion and I do not speak for all IF (infertility) women. I've been in this longer than some....which doesn't make me an expert or better than anyone, just in a different place.  My feelings and my views have changed over time, but this is where I am right now in my life.

Since we opened up about our infertility, a lot of people have been asking me what they should share with me and what they shouldn't so that they don't upset me or hurt my feelings.   Well that depends. So here it goes

I'm your gal if....
  • You've actively been trying to get pregnant whether it be for 3 seconds or three years, you just found out that you are, and you're very excited about it!!!! I love that! I love babies and am happy for you! Don't be scared to tell me and share your excitement!
  • You feel the baby moving and you instantly grab my hand. Yes! Let me feel your belly!!!
  • You want to tell me all about your strange food cravings!
  • You want to invite me to your baby shower
  • You want my opinion/share your ideas on how to decorate the baby nursery
  • You need a babysitter (no... I'm not going to kidnap your kid while you're gone like on some Lifetime movie! And shame on you if that ever crossed your mind!!!)

I'm NOT the friend/person you want to confide in if...
  • You weren't trying to get pregnant and don't want to be.
  • You're 16…plain and simple.
  • You already have 12 kids and this one is just going to be another "burden" to you.
  • You complain constantly about all of your pregnancy symptoms (because trust me, I've paid a lot of money just trying to get morning sickness!)
  • You want to terminate your pregnancy (please don't even let my name cross your mind)
  • Your baby is born, it's a difficult baby and all you do is call the baby names and complain (asshole, jackass, & bitch are not terms of endearment for a baby and it's not funny, no matter how colicky or needy the baby is).
  • You complain about how "fat" you are and you’re fishing for compliments! Look’re pregnant with a miracle inside of you! You're not fat!  There's a human growing in you! Don't come to me complaining...I'm not your gal for that!

So that's it in a nutshell. Pretty much if you're in love, trying to start a family and it happens....I'm thrilled for you!!!!!!

If you weren't trying, you bitch and complain the whole pregnancy, and then complain even more after the baby is born, please lose my number!

I’m sure I will think of more after I post this, but all in all I’m happy for you!  I really truly am!!! I want to share in your joy and please don’t ever be scared to share your good news with me, Good outweighs the bad!  Good always wins…well usually! :)

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

First Came Love, Then Came where the hell is my baby carriage?!?

The Beginning: Our love story began over 12 years ago in my (Kristy's) home state of Michigan. After we started dating, it was a whirlwind romance and I knew immediately that this was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.  The man I was going to fall in love with,  marry,  and have children with......well 2 out of 3 ain't so bad right?!?!

We were engaged after dating for only 5 months (Hey, when you know!). We waited for another year and a half to get married (weddings take a lot of time to plan...especially big ones!) and then a year into our marriage Dave's Navy Reserve unit was activated for Iraq.  We decided together to start our journey into having a baby, and relocated to Virginia Beach. I went off "the pill" and thought it would happen immediately.  Well it didn't and we were OK with that.  Once he safely got back from Iraq we weren't actively trying to have a baby, but we also weren't avoiding it. Since I'm an elementary school teacher working with kids all day long I was alright with waiting a year. We'll have our baby once we start "trying" again....right?  

A year later we started trying again.  This was going to be easy right?!?!?  Wrong!  A year into it, we decided to start tracking, taking my temperature daily and charting EVERYTHING .  OK, now this would work...wrong again.  So maybe I don't know how to take my temperature, or maybe I should test (ovulation tests) more.  Who knows! So fast forward a couple more years, a few hundred thousand tears, and constant  monthly disappointment.  What was wrong with me?!

My next step, become numb to it.  Numb to it all.  I don't want kids anymore! It's too painful!  Its been 4 years, we've tried everything we could think of naturally. People would always ask us, "Don't you want kids?!?"  My response at this point, "No, we're good!  Why would I want kids when I have 30 of them all day long?!? HA!" This was purely a defense mechanism response. Because what I really wanted to tell people was, "DUH!  Of course I want kids!  Look at these hips!  I was made to be a mom!  I was made to give birth.  These are birth-bearing hips here! Now go to Hell and mind your own business!"  We heard it for years, "Oh you guys should have babies! You would make the cutest kids"  Yeah I know, thanks for rubbing it in. Now go to Hell!  In the back of my mind though I couldn't blame them, they didn't know. NO ONE knew what we were going through!  We told no one!  Not our friends, not our family, no one!  We were alone in all of this.  Our journey was just the two of us. My other favorite saying though from people was "Oh just relax!  Once you stop trying, then it will happen!" Fuck you!  That's what I wanted to say, but of course I would just smile, and giggle, and then cry alone at home. Once again...couldn't blame them.  I could only blame myself...not for the infertility, but for not being open about it. This went on for YEARS! Soon the crying stopped and the numbness just took over.

Our next step... get tested.  Something MUST be wrong.  But to be honest, I wasn't ready for this step.  I always thought, if God didn't want me to have kids, then maybe I shouldn't (even with these birth-bearing hips of mine!). If I was meant to be a mom, then it would have happened. Well, we decided after a while to go and get tested (and when I say after a while...what I really mean is years).  We have the results, we know our options and our next step, so let's get started....wrong!  Yes we had it all, and knew what to do next, but I put the breaks on moving on to the next step. I didn't want to be Octomom!  I always thought that if I messed with God's plan and messed with nature then it would come back to bite me in the ass twofold!  I had the type of luck if I did IVF and transferred two embryos, then both of the embryos would take and they would both divide into twins or triplets.... I had to do some soul searching. By this time we'd ONLY been trying to have a baby for 7 years...what's wrong with waiting a little bit longer?

Let's fast-forward again two more years.... A friend of mine talked openly about her infertility and even made a video about it hoping to win an IVF cycle. She was talking about it at work and said something about her RE ( Reproductive Endocrinologist....or fertility doctor.  And here I thought the military had a lot of acronyms!  Just take a look at all the infertility acronyms here! Wowzers!) and before I knew it, "He's my doctor too!" came out of my mouth. Before I could process what just happened and what I just said, I just stood there. No one blinked or batted an eye, but I was sweating uncontrollably and shaking in my heels! This was the first time I admitted this in public! We ended up talking behind closed doors for some time about infertility and I finally opened up to someone else besides my husband. Because of her, I was introduced to an amazing group of women going through the same thing! There was a support group for infertility in my area that I never knew about.  These women are amazing! There was hope again. I was finally able to open up to a few friends and immediate family.  I was finally in a place where I was willing to try something with our local fertility clinic.   Let's do this!  We are going to open ourselves up (in more ways than one!) again and really try something this time.

We made another appointment with our RE, and talked about our options.  We could do IUI (the "turkey baster method") or IVF (the petri dish method). The big difference...oh about $9500...without meds! This shit is expensive! We decided on the IUI method...the turkey baster.  Our first IUI was in July of 2013.  

Here's the low down of what goes into this. Once your period starts (Day 1) you call the fertility clinic and set up and appointment for an internal ultrasound...aka Mr. Ultrasound Wand...yeah fun! I start my medicine (2 pills a day) on day 5. On day 10, I went in for the fun (and oh so intimate) internal ultrasound to see how my follicles responded to the pills. They were great!  Our IUI was scheduled two days later.  The night before the IUI, Dave got to give me my trigger shot (which is a shot with a pretty big needle that goes right into my ovary...and he had way too much fun in doing this!). Now the 2WW (two week wait) begins.  No drinking, no heavy lifting...pretty much you go around for two weeks pretending you're pregnant. This was going to work!  I could feel it!  I'm pretending I'm pregnant, I finally opened up about this to family, and  I followed all the steps.  This was it!  This was my time...I mean our time! So, after my VERY long 2 weeks ended, I tested!  When I saw the BFN (Big Fat Negative...aka yet another negative pregnancy test) I lost it!  I didn't think it would affect me as much as it did, but it did and I was a blubbering mess in my kitchen. Dave had to hold me up. He just held me rubbing my back. Now c'mon after 9 years of negative test results, I thought I could handle it.  What's one more right?!?!  Lord have mercy! This one was harder than I thought it would be. I think because I truly thought in my heart of hearts that this would work. Enough of the pity party though! I picked myself up off the floor (literally!) and I treated myself to a glass (ok...a bottle) of wine!

 Went back in August, and I didn't respond to the medicine as well as they hoped so this month was a bust.  I cried in the parking garage in my car, but not as bad as the failed IUI.  September comes and goes and another disappointment.  Now it's October.  My RE was concerned that I didn't respond as well to the meds as the first IUI months ago, so on to more tests and an increase in the meds.  We followed along with the new protocol.  He brought me in several days early for my ultrasound (now by this point in time, I'm so used to this I forget that it's proper etiquette to change into a gown in the bathroom and not just drop trow in the middle of the room). Come to find out, this worked in my favor...coming in early, not dropping trow in the middle of the room. Our next IUI was scheduled a day later! This one was going to work...right?!?! Wrong...wrong again!  Now it's November.  Dave has to go to San Diego for the Navy, (so without his part in all of this)...this month would be a freebie/pass month.  So since we took a month off in November, we decided to take another month off in December and start fresh and new in the New Year.

So now here we are in the present!  It's the first day of a new year and the adventure continues. You now know our story and are invited to join us on this crazy ride (if you so choose to follow us!). We don't know where this journey will take us, but we're hoping it will lead us to a little bundle of joy filled with sleepless nights and dirty diapers!

Thanks for reading such a LONG post!  Writing about 9 1/2 years of infertility in one post really is exhausting!  I promise to keep it short and sweet from here on out...with a lot more sass (just like me...short, sweet and sassy!)