Sunday, January 12, 2014

Why Us?!?

So many of you have commented on how positive my attitude is and how I usually look at the glass half full with our infertility struggles. This is typically true...I say “typically” because there’s going to be that one person out there reading this that’s thinks I’m a totally crazy bitch….hmmmm to each their own. :)

Honestly, getting to this positive stage in my life took years…not days, but YEARS!  When we started trying to have kids I was young (not 16 young, but young). I was 26, pretty healthy and thought getting pregnant would be easy.  You have a couple of beers (hey I was poor and in my 20s, beer it was), a fun romp in the hay and wham-bam pregnant…right?!? Wrong!  Ok no big deal; this was the first time having sex off birth control so of course it wouldn't happen the FIRST time. Well maybe next time…we didn't have much time before Dave was going to leave for Iraq so we better get going on this whole baby making thing. We really wanted to get pregnant….just in case. Hey, I know it sounds morbid, but its reality.  Too many of our military guys (and gals) don’t come home when they go to defend our country.  We wanted to have a family just in case.

Anyway, back to our sex life & baby making crusade…. It didn't happen the first month, I was okay with that.  The 2nd month goes by, still not pregnant….alright.  3rd and last month before he deploys, and still no positive pregnancy test.  This month it sinks in and it hurts.  I cried in the bathroom for what seemed like hours knowing this was the last month it could happen before he leaves. 

Fast-forward a little while and Dave comes home!  We start trying again but we're still unsuccessful at getting pregnant. Every month when AF (Aunt Flo aka your period) comes to visit or you take a pregnancy test and you get another BFN (big fat NO!) you lose a little part of you.  Your childhood friends all are starting to have kids. Your college friends are all getting married and starting to have kids.  Even your younger sisters are having kids and here you sit happily married and still no kids.  Every month is a loss.  Every month you try and try and still nothing.  There were months where I thought I “Just knew!” I was pregnant!  I could feel it!  This was it!  I prepared in my head for how I was going to surprise Dave with the news.  I picked out a couple of names for the "baby".  I have the hypothetical nursery all decorated, I have everything ready….and then it happens. The disappointment, the loss, the agony, the never-ending tears…the pain! Oh God the pain!  Your heart feels like it is literally being ripped out of your chest! Unfortunately in our journey, this happened more than once.  More than twice. For crying out loud, this happened more than a dozen times.  Every month for years I thought…this was it. That equates to about 60 months of the same thing over and over. Groundhogs day of negative pregnancy tests over and over and over and over again! For about 5 years I thought maybe this month!  Maybe this is our time! And it never happened.  We never got our positive test result.  And through all of this we have people asking us….”So when are you going to start having kids?” We just sat there in silence and were quiet in our own agony.

The only thing left to do was wonder…why us?  Why were we being punished?!  Was this karma for something I did 10 years ago? 15 years ago? 20 years ago?!?! What could I have possibly done that was so wrong in my life to deserve this? I said I was never going to be that person that said ‘why me’!  I was stronger than that! My bathroom floor knew the truth though! My bathroom floor KNEW I wasn't strong enough! My bathroom floor held me up when I crumbled after each and every negative pregnancy test.  My bathroom floor has been flooded by my tears.  So I did start to wonder! I did cry out, I did ask…why us? 

The only thing left I knew I could do was to become numb.  Numb to it all.  We’re not trying anymore.  If it happens it happens.  You then start to hear it all…all the stupid shit people say to you (that will be my next post!) Just relax!  Once you stop trying, then it will happen! Oh just get a dog, and then you’ll become pregnant!  Really?!?!  Just adopt….ummm when did adoption become easy?  If you think it is, then you haven’t tried it in the past 5-10 years! I’m just numb. The crying begins to stop, the aching starts to stop, the agony all stops. With numbness comes a wall.  I’m happy for other people, but numb to trying to have a baby myself.  Slowly I begin to enjoy life again.  Slowly I start holding babies again and feeling joy for other people. Slowly I’m smiling more and accepting our fate. Slowly I’m regaining myself again.  Before I know it, and I honestly don’t know when it happened, but I’m back!  I’m finally okay with everything. I've been smiling now for years!


Now that we've opened up about our infertility, I can’t express how freeing it is. My smile is genuine.  My outlook on our future is positive.  I lived in tears for so long that I made a decision years ago that I just can’t do that anymore!  I now live in a world of hope and silver linings.  My world isn't filled with rainbows and delusions, but it is filled with hope.  I refuse to live this short life angry and bitter. I have to think positively. I have to believe in good.  I have to have hope! So yes, I am positive and I am optimistic and trust me...this is a much better life!  It may have taken me awhile to get to this place, but now that I'm here I refuse to go back!  I"m sure I will have more disappointments along the way and tears will be shed, but I won't give up. I will hold my head up high and move forward.  I refuse to give up hope! Here's to hope!


6 comments:

  1. I'm hopeful for you guys as well. Always sending hugs.

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    1. Thanks Mel! Keep the prayers coming! :)

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  2. Kristy, this post is really spot on. It should be required reading for family and friends of those struggling with infertility. Here's hoping that I get to the same place you've been able to find.

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    1. Thanks Laura! It took me many years to get to this place...and a lot of tears! We all get to our own place of comfort at different times. I'm here for you if you need me!

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  3. I always thought you are an amazing person (Dave too!), reading all this just seals that deal. And strangely even though I haven't seen you in 100 years, closer to you. Thank you for sharing! You ard an amazing writer too.

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    1. Thanks Scarlet!!! It really DOES feel like a 100 years doesn't it! Miss you and I think you are even more amazing!

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