Saturday, November 21, 2015

I Hate You Olivia Pope

For the past couple of months I've been struggling to come up with a topic to blog about.  I have about 5 different drafts that I started and never finished.   I'm not going through any treatments, work has been CRAZY, and we've been talking about maybe just moving forward childless.  So writing has taken a back burner at the moment.

This past week I was super busy at work and my TGIT (Thank God It's Thursday) shows had to wait.  Saturday I finally got a moment to sit down, pour a glass of wine and catch up on Scandal. I just love Olivia!  Everything about her. I want to be Olivia Pope! I'm also a huge fan of Olivia and Fitz (unlike my sister who really wants to see her with Jake...a debate we have often!). I love them together. I love their chemistry, their passion, and their dreams of the future together. Although I must say, I haven't liked them the past couple of weeks when Fitz moved her into the White House without her permission....but here I digress!

This is the time to stop reading this post if you haven't watched the episode on 11/19/15. Last chance....

Anyway, I'm sitting on the couch all snuggled up, drinking my wine, watching the episode and it hit me.  I'm watching the Planned Parenthood debate going on and nothing phases me. Then they pan to Olivia. She is sitting in a waiting room.  My stomach twists in knots. My heart drops. I put down my glass of wine as slowly as I can as the tears start falling uncontrollably from my eyes.  I'm sick to my stomach and I think several times that I'm going to puke.  They are now in the room and she gets into the stirrups...the stirrups I know all too well. The stirrups I get into over and over again trying so desperately to become pregnant are the same ones she's in about to end her pregnancy. I'm sick and crying non-stop. I turn away and can't watch wishing it would all just end. I bury my head in the couch cushion just sobbing. Screaming for her to stop..."I'll take the baby" I cry out.  I can't turn off the TV because I'm shaking so hard.  How could she?!? I hate her!  I now HATE Olivia Pope! I once wanted to be a Gladiator and now I want to destroy her. I hate her so much!

Yes, I know she's just a character on a TV show.  Yes I know my reaction is irrational. Yes, I know I may be a bit (or a lot) pathetic because I have this much hate for a make believe character on a TV show that I once loved. Yes, I know people in real life that have had abortions. Yes, I've supported their decisions. Yes, I understand that it's a woman's choice to do what she wants with her body. Yes, I still hate her.

I hate her because she has had what I want. I hate that I hate her so much. I hate that all these feelings that I thought I was moving past, came back in a matter of 10 seconds.  I hate her for doing what she did. I hate her for making me cry in a way I haven't cried since my last failed IVF. I hate her for making me cry an hour after the damn show has ended. I hate her because I'm jealous of what she had. I HATE HER.

I thought I was ready to move on, but maybe I'm not.  Maybe my hate for Olivia has only made me realize that I'm not quite ready to move forward yet. I still don't know what we'll do, where we'll go from here or what lies ahead, but I'm not ready to give up. If I can hate a character so much and have SUCH a reaction to her decision, I guess I'm not ready to be child free just yet.  So yes...I still hate you Olivia Pope, but thank you. Thank you for making me realize I'm not ready to give up and move on just yet.

But yes....right now, at this moment in time, I still hate Olivia Pope!