Sunday, October 8, 2017

The Next Chapter In Our Infertility Book

I've been thinking about it seriously now for about a year, but I haven't said anything...not even to Dave. I didn't want to crush his dream, so I kept it in. They may only be two words, but those two little words would change everything. I didn't utter them out loud or even dare to put them out in the universe. I pushed the words and thoughts to the back of my mind and locked them deep inside. Once they're said, there would be no going back. So I hid them deep down, and soon forgot about them. 

Then it happened! Out of nowhere at one of the infertility support group meetings hosted at my house, I said them. When it was my turn to speak and talk about where we were in our journey, I just blurted it out.  The two words that I hid deep down and forgot about, came tumbling out of my mouth and I couldn't stop them...

"I'm done"

Oh my gosh, what have I done?  What did I just say?  What the fuck?!  What the hell was I thinking?  Please tell me no one heard me.  Please tell me, I didn't just say the words...those two words! But I did, and I couldn't stop the other words that came behind them or the tears streaming down my face. They just came pouring out of my mouth! What have I done?!  I just told my friends the words and the story that I've pushed deep down and locked away before even telling my own husband, but I couldn't stop them.

With diarrhea of the mouth, everything just came spilling out in what seemed like a panic rush! "I'm done! I want to get off this roller coaster. I'm okay now with not having a baby. I just want to stop! But I can't. I can't do that to Dave. I need him to be ready too. I just wish we were on the same page, but we're not, so I'll keep going."  The sentences were random, out of order, barely coherent, but I need to say them. All of them! I couldn't stop. Tears were streaming down my face as the two words not only came out, but everything else that I kept hidden away. Hidden from my husband, and even hidden from myself.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and then I just stopped talking. I didn't say anything else. I just looked down, and wished I could take it all back. I felt like I betrayed my husband. Betrayed myself. My goals. My dreams. What have I done!

As the meeting ended, and everyone went home, I just stood in my kitchen alone trying to figure out what to do next.  It was then that Dave walked in. He had left our house earlier that night so we could have our meeting and went out with a friend's husband from our support group to have a man-to-man meeting. I asked how it went, and made small talk. He said it went well and he talked about the beer he drank, and how he talked about what he wanted to do next. My heart sunk. I felt like I couldn't breathe and my stomach was in knots. It literally felt like a ton of bricks landed on my shoulders. Here we go again. Buck up Kristy, and put that smile on your face. So I did. I looked up, smiled and asked what he wanted to do next. Save up for another round of IVF or just attempt another IUI? My face sank back towards the floor as I waited for his answer, bracing for the blow. I couldn't look him in the eyes, especially after what I just confessed not only 30 minutes ago.

"I told him I wanted to stop" Dave said. Wait, what?!?! I looked up and made him repeat what he just said. I could see the pain in his eyes as he was bracing for my blow. "Are you serious?" I asked. "Are you sure? Is this for real? I'm done too!" My eyes lit up. His eyes lit up. And we just stood in the middle of the kitchen speechless!

He talked about how he's been done for over a year now, but kept going for me. I told him how I've been done and ready to move on for a year and was waiting for him. It was then that we realized that the last 3 IUIs and the cancelled cycle we went through this past year, we did for each other. We were both done but didn't want to disappoint the other or ruin each others dream.

"How could this happen? How could we not talk about this, but go through these cycles for each other, and not talk about our true feelings" I asked! "Love" he said calmly. "Love!"  We love each other that much that we were willing to forgo our wants for their dreams. It was at that exact moment that it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I could breathe!

We high-fived each other, opened a bottle of wine and toasted in the middle of the kitchen.  "To new dreams, and new beginnings!"

It's been three months now since we made that toast in the middle of our kitchen. We haven't told anyone until now, and I can honestly say that it's been a great three months. We look at life differently, now that we're finally off that fucking infertility-roller-coaster. I like to think I'm happier. There's been a weight lifted. I can finally look in the future with a new set of sunglasses. We are starting to make new plans. New dreams. New adventures. New beginnings....together!

We know that a lot of people will be upset, or even disappointed, in our decision and we are okay with that. But this is our decision and we both agree that this is best for our family. Our family of two four (Dave and me & our boys, Zeus and Poseidon)!