Sunday, September 14, 2014

And The Test Results Are In...

I knew it was negative again before I even stepped foot in the doctor's office Friday morning.  I had already taken several home pregnancy tests and started bleeding again on day 10.  I just can't seem to get past day 10! Because of protocol, I still had to go into the doctor's office to make it official. What a punch in the gut!  I had already called them crying asking if I could change my appointment day to Saturday so that I wouldn't have to take another day off of work, knowing that this was just a procedural visit.  Take my blood, get my test results and make sure I'm feeling ok (physically, not mentally) but they couldn't do it.  Couldn't or wouldn't...either way I still had to go in. While I was there, I snapped at the nurse twice and had to apologize quickly.  I'm not mad at her, it's not her fault, I'm just mad. Mad at the process, mad at infertility, mad at the world, mad at my body.  Just mad!

My last failed IVF in May sent me into a deep, dark depression.  One that I've never experienced before in my life. One that scared both me and Dave. One that I never want to revisit. This failed round has left me broken, and numb.  I'm sad and hurt, but I'm so so angry!  I want to punch something. I want to fix it.  I want to change the way this study works. I just want to scream!!!

After 10 years of trying, 4 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, we have 3 choices now.  Three hard choices:

  1. Stay in the study and give it one more chance for another $5,000. Doing this will not change the outcome. I think something is wrong with this protocol for my body. The same results happened on the same day both times!  My gut tells me we need to change something, but because of 'the study' you can't change anything.
  2. Save every penny and do a 'normal' IVF customized for me for $15,000. I would just need to win the lottery and then talk to my doctor and ask him what he would change in my protocol if I wasn't in the study.  
  3. Move on (not give up!) and live a childless life knowing in our hearts we tried everything we could to have a baby.

Three choices. These are the only three possibilities for us so please don't come up to me and tell me I should/could 'just adopt', or find a surrogate, or let it be God's will!  These three statements send me over the edge.  Especially right now and how angry I am.  Telling me to just adopt is ridiculous.  This is not the 1960s with children in orphanages waiting for you to stop by and take one home.  Adoption is now such a political and money-making venture it takes years and tens of thousands of dollars to adopt.  Yes I know there are other ways, we have researched a lot of them and know our options.  If you've never adopted in the past 10 years, then please keep this comment to yourself.

Use a surrogate.  I know people personally who have used a surrogate to have their baby and each time it was because they had to have a hysterectomy.  This comment hurts me a lot! Without you thinking about what you're saying, this comment says this to me, "Your body is broken, just use someone else's!" I know something is wrong...obviously, but you saying this to me is like a knife in my heart.  Not to mention that it costs more to use a surrogate (on average) than 3 full cost rounds of IVF!  There's a lot more in to it than most people think.

It's God's will.   Ok, this comment makes me want to cut a bitch!  No does!  Don't get me wrong.  I know, believe and understand that God has a plan.  I know this in my heart of hearts.  This is different (to me) than it being God's will.  By you saying this is God's will, this is what I hear,"God hates you but loves the crack head mother that has 14 children by 14 different men." "God is mad at you, but will bless the atheist who doesn't believe in you with twins" So it's God's will to punish me by not giving me children, but He will give children to abusive, murdering parents, or 14 year old girls?!?  Do you see how messed up that statement is?!?  No, I don't believe this is God's will!  Don't say that to me!  Yes, this is God's plan and I may not understand it, but it is NOT His will.  He hears my cries, He hears me pray and beg and plead with Him. He sees the rushing tears coming out of my eyes.  No! This is not His will.  His plan maybe, but not His will!

I don't know where we will go from here and I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that one day I will be strong enough again to move on. One day...

Saturday, September 6, 2014

1 Week Down!

It has officially been one week since we transferred LO (Lucky One).  Unlike what a lot of people think (and keep asking), no I don't know if I'm pregnant yet. The dreaded 2 wait weeks are in full swing. What you don't know if you've never done this before is, after your IUI or IVF you have to wait 2 weeks before you know if you're pregnant or not.   Two weeks doesn't seem long in the whole scheme of things, but TRUST ME, two weeks drag on forever when all you want to know is "did it work?"  We of course call these two weeks the dreaded 2 week mind fuck! Yep!  You have to pretend like you're pregnant the whole time, while not actually knowing if you are or not....and it doesn't help that the amount of progesterone you are injecting into your body daily actually gives you pregnancy symptoms.  I'm used to these symptoms now and don't think too much into it...but still a mind fuck! The last 5 rounds ended in disappointment so I'm really hoping this 6th time is the charm..the Lucky ONE!

The transfer itself went well, and I even had my favorite doctor this time! I also got him to chuckle under his mask when I unveiled my lucky transfer socks I bought just for the occasion...wonder woman (with capes!). It was great! We got to see LO on the big screen before the transfer and Dave was in the room the whole time taking pictures and squeezing my hand when I needed him.  Here are some of the pictures from the big day. Don't worry, I'll spare you the ones with me in the stirrups..what was he thinking?!?!

After the transfer you are wheeled out to your "room" to wait for another hour.  This should be a relaxing time, right?!?  WRONG!  Here's the part that no one tells you...  Before your transfer you have to sip on water while you're in bed waiting for your turn because they want your bladder full during the ultrasound.  I learned the hard way last time, to sip on water and then guzzle it at the very last moment possible, because you want a full bladder but not a FULL bladder. When you're in the operating room getting ready for the transfer, you get the good ultrasound...the belly goop kind!  During this time, the nurse is pushing on your full bladder so the doctor can clearly see your uterus. The transfer happens (with the nurse pushing on your bladder the whole time ) and then it's over.  You probably think this is the time I get to get up and go to the bathroom right....WRONG! Nope, you get to stay in bed for an hour!  An hour!!  Now picture this, you just had one of the happiest most hopeful and joyous moments just occur and now you get to sit and think about anything else except wetting the bed.  The nurse comes in and offer you a bed pan, but there was no way in hell I was going to use a bed pan unless I absolutely needed to!  I was going to do everything in my power to hold in the pee..and LO! The minutes tick by and there is nothing more I want to do except pee.  Nothing else on my mind except getting out of that bed and running to the bathroom. The nurse comes back through my curtain door again to check in on me and all I can think about is tackling her to the ground to make it to the bathroom.  She asks me how I'm doing, and I grit my teeth, smile and ask how much longer.  She tells me only 45 more minutes!  Wait..what?!? You're telling me only 15 minutes have passed?!?  I didn't think I was going to make it, but somehow I did!  Sorry to disappoint you!  I'm sure some of you were hoping for some crazy ending to this story about how I peed the bed! Nope! :)

So now I wait again.
I wait for these two weeks to end.
I wait for my test results.
I wait for my prayers to be answered.
I wait for what might be the end.
I wait for what might be the beginning

I just wait...