Sunday, September 14, 2014

And The Test Results Are In...

I knew it was negative again before I even stepped foot in the doctor's office Friday morning.  I had already taken several home pregnancy tests and started bleeding again on day 10.  I just can't seem to get past day 10! Because of protocol, I still had to go into the doctor's office to make it official. What a punch in the gut!  I had already called them crying asking if I could change my appointment day to Saturday so that I wouldn't have to take another day off of work, knowing that this was just a procedural visit.  Take my blood, get my test results and make sure I'm feeling ok (physically, not mentally) but they couldn't do it.  Couldn't or wouldn't...either way I still had to go in. While I was there, I snapped at the nurse twice and had to apologize quickly.  I'm not mad at her, it's not her fault, I'm just mad. Mad at the process, mad at infertility, mad at the world, mad at my body.  Just mad!

My last failed IVF in May sent me into a deep, dark depression.  One that I've never experienced before in my life. One that scared both me and Dave. One that I never want to revisit. This failed round has left me broken, and numb.  I'm sad and hurt, but I'm so so angry!  I want to punch something. I want to fix it.  I want to change the way this study works. I just want to scream!!!

After 10 years of trying, 4 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, we have 3 choices now.  Three hard choices:

  1. Stay in the study and give it one more chance for another $5,000. Doing this will not change the outcome. I think something is wrong with this protocol for my body. The same results happened on the same day both times!  My gut tells me we need to change something, but because of 'the study' you can't change anything.
  2. Save every penny and do a 'normal' IVF customized for me for $15,000. I would just need to win the lottery and then talk to my doctor and ask him what he would change in my protocol if I wasn't in the study.  
  3. Move on (not give up!) and live a childless life knowing in our hearts we tried everything we could to have a baby.

Three choices. These are the only three possibilities for us so please don't come up to me and tell me I should/could 'just adopt', or find a surrogate, or let it be God's will!  These three statements send me over the edge.  Especially right now and how angry I am.  Telling me to just adopt is ridiculous.  This is not the 1960s with children in orphanages waiting for you to stop by and take one home.  Adoption is now such a political and money-making venture it takes years and tens of thousands of dollars to adopt.  Yes I know there are other ways, we have researched a lot of them and know our options.  If you've never adopted in the past 10 years, then please keep this comment to yourself.

Use a surrogate.  I know people personally who have used a surrogate to have their baby and each time it was because they had to have a hysterectomy.  This comment hurts me a lot! Without you thinking about what you're saying, this comment says this to me, "Your body is broken, just use someone else's!" I know something is wrong...obviously, but you saying this to me is like a knife in my heart.  Not to mention that it costs more to use a surrogate (on average) than 3 full cost rounds of IVF!  There's a lot more in to it than most people think.

It's God's will.   Ok, this comment makes me want to cut a bitch!  No does!  Don't get me wrong.  I know, believe and understand that God has a plan.  I know this in my heart of hearts.  This is different (to me) than it being God's will.  By you saying this is God's will, this is what I hear,"God hates you but loves the crack head mother that has 14 children by 14 different men." "God is mad at you, but will bless the atheist who doesn't believe in you with twins" So it's God's will to punish me by not giving me children, but He will give children to abusive, murdering parents, or 14 year old girls?!?  Do you see how messed up that statement is?!?  No, I don't believe this is God's will!  Don't say that to me!  Yes, this is God's plan and I may not understand it, but it is NOT His will.  He hears my cries, He hears me pray and beg and plead with Him. He sees the rushing tears coming out of my eyes.  No! This is not His will.  His plan maybe, but not His will!

I don't know where we will go from here and I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that one day I will be strong enough again to move on. One day...


  1. Little Cousin, our hearts ache for both of you tonight. I won't say any of the things you don't want to hear, because I don't like them either. But what I will say, I said before, just maybe God's plan is a little different than yours. You are such a fantastic writer. Maybe He wants you to write those columns, share your anger and pain, and anything else that you can to help others. Just for a little while, stop, take a breathe and don't try to have a baby. Concentrate on writing. Maybe then that baby will come.

    We Wish you Love. You are in our prayers, Linda & Roger

  2. Sending you so many hugs and so much love.

  3. Linda and Roger,
    I'm sure you are wonderful cousins. But most people who don't suffer from infertility don't realize how painful their words can be. The best advice I can give to those trying to support someone who is dealing with infertility is to not give advice. At all. You may not realize it, but your post just implied that it was 1) God's will and 2) that Kristy shoould "just relax" and maybe it would happen. You may not have meant it that way, but it sounds that way.

    Kristy, I am terribly sorry. No one should have to go through what you are going through. Your choices are not easy to choose from. Whatever you decide, I hope it brings you both peace and resolution. And I wish you peace and comfort as you make your decision.

  4. My prayers are with you. You both have been heavy on my heart.

  5. I feel your pain. 6 failed IUI's before we went to IVF. I don't know what study you're in, or what they've determined as a cause of your infertility; but I can tell you that I have had multiple issues with scarring, blocked fallopian tubes, cysts and pollyps. Everything does need to be just right for this to work. I would bite the bullet and go through a regular IVF cycle with a reputable IVF clinic. Especially if you do well with the Follistem and have several good quality eggs. I had no idea when we did IVF that there are also FET's (frozen egg transfers) that are much much cheaper than the initial IVF. So if it doesn't take and you have eggs left over, the process is so much less involved and the cost is just under a 1/3 of IVF (in my area). I wish you the very best and I hope all your dreams come true.

  6. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 7yrs now. I have Endometriosis and PCOS and have been suffering the symptoms since 12 yrs old. Have had many surgeries, tons of infertility testing. I was also told our best chance would be IVF, and was given a 50/50 chance which is not good enough for me. WAY too much money for a 50/50 chance. I feel like all the infertility doctors out there are like broken records and are money hungry. I am up against a brick wall and have become numb to the whole situation. I'm sorry I don't have any good advice to give. I'm living it also and know no matter what anyone says it doesn't make it better. Its such a struggle. Hang in there.