Another Childless Christmas

I love Christmas!  I love everything about it! The decorations, the kindness, the giving, the presents (both buying them and getting them!) the music... Oh the music!  I'm one of those cheeseballs that you can't stand that starts listening to Christmas music as soon as possible.  I just LOVE when the local radio station starts playing it 24 hours a day. I'm in Christmas music heaven!  I warned you...I'm that person!  I sing along at the top of my lungs in my car, even though I can't hit a single note! I pity the poor drivers next to me at stop lights that had to endure the torture of my singing through closed windows. Did you see the Big Bang Theory episode of Bernadette singing in the car....yeah that's me!
(for those of you reading this on a mobile device and can't see the video that's embedded below, you can view the clip that I'm referring to here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAZEIwD3TNA )

For a lot of couples going through infertility, Christmas can be a hard time.  It's another sad reminder that it is just the two of them and still no children.  Only two stockings and not three. No children to watch open presents.  No Santa Clause. The constant reminder from family that you don't have kids.  They don't mean it, but it's there.  You are the ones that have to travel because, let's face it, it's easier for you to travel without kids than it is for family members with kids to travel to you.  So you have to shell out hundreds and hundreds of dollars to travel in state or out of state to go spend time with the ones you love because you don't have kids.  I 'd like to think they don't think of it that way and it never crosses their mind, but you do.

Honestly though, I've never had these feelings.  I've always loved Christmas and the holidays and everything about it.  I loved being with family, and watching my nieces and nephew open their presents and talk about how Santa came to visit them.  I could never relate to my friends going through this, even though we were still childless at Christmas. I didn't understand what they were going through. I could sympathize and be there for them, but I couldn't relate....until this year.  This year was the first time ever where I felt broken. I cried...a lot! 

The Christmas season started out great! I went to the mall to go shopping. I stopped at a few stores, had a few bags in my hand and went on to the next stop. I passed the center court where Santa was and looked over with a smile.  I saw Santa bend down to hug a little girl who was probably about 2 and I lost it.  Right there in the middle of the mall!  I gasped! Tears started streaming down my face. My chest felt like it was about to cave in.  The grief struck and I couldn't stop it.  I looked like a freaking lunatic!  I literally ran into a man as I rushed out of the mall as fast as I could gasping for breath and trying to see through my streaming tears. I was sure a security guard would try to stop me on my way out thinking I just stole something! Come to find out, this was only going to be the first of many incidents this Christmas season...

I was singing like Bernadette (Big Bang Theory) at the top of my lungs in my car on the way to work one Monday like I have every other work day morning. A song came on, I was singing, and the verse I sang said something about 'my sweet baby'. I don't remember any other words after that. It hit me out of no where like a ton of bricks. I  lost it.  I lost my breath, I lost all self control, I couldn't stop the tears. I tried to control myself so that I wouldn't swerve off the road. I could barely see through my tears. I couldn't catch my breath. The realization of  everything that we went through this year hit me again. The 9 years where we tried naturally didn't affect me like this.  It hurt, but it never stopped my Christmas spirit. Last year when we did 4 IUI's, that one was hard, but we always knew deep down that it would work as long as we did IVF. This year, after 2 failed IVF cycles back to back it broke me. IVF was supposed to be our end all.  It was supposed to work. It was supposed to be our answer.  It was supposed to be our miracle.  It wasn't.  It didn't work.  I couldn't keep my 3 perfect embryos. My womb is empty again and so is my heart. So this year we decided that we were going to do something for Christmas that we've never done before.  We stayed home!  We stayed home alone.  No traveling, no family, no children.  This was the first time EVER in the 13 years we've been together that we woke up in our own bed on Christmas Day.  Just the two of us. I needed that. I was able to FaceTime with my family and watch them open their presents, and it was AMAZING!  I got the best of both worlds this year.  I got to be in my house with my husband alone on Christmas morning, and I also got to feel like I was with my family many many miles away. I also got to cry in private when I thought I burned our Christmas dinner....yeah that really happened.  

It dawned on me though, with the new year quickly approaching, that I need a change.  I need to get out of this funk.  I've had my time to grieve for my 3 embryos that never made it past day 10. I cried enough tears these past three months to flood the world twice over.  I need a change. I don't know yet what that change will be or how to do it, but I need a change.  I don't know if we will try IVF again for a third and final time in the new year or just decide to live a childless life.  What I do know though, is that I love my husband and the patience he has with me. I love my family. I love my friends. I love being happy. 

I saw this post on Pinterest a little while ago and pinned it to my Infertility Pinterest Board. I saw it again and it was the push I needed to make a change.  Dave and I are already a family! We have each other.  Yes, we would love to add to our family, but none the less, we are a family and I love my little family!

So here's to a New Year, a new attitude, less tears and more smiles!