Tuesday, May 26, 2015

A Year Later

As I sit here and reflect on what could have been, what should have been, and what is, I'm brought to nothing but tears. A year ago today is when we got the official news that our 1st IVF failed. Of course I knew in my heart four days before that it failed, but a year ago today was the official beta bloodwork and the devastating look in everyone's eyes as they told me what I already knew. My two perfect, wanted, and loved embryos were gone.

A lot has happened in a year. A year ago, I didn't think I would make it. I didn't think I would ever be able to laugh again, much less try again...but I did, and we did. As you already know though if you follow this blog, IVF #2 didn't work either.

A year ago today, I was lost and felt hopeless. A year ago, I wanted to crawl up into a ball and melt into my blankets. A year ago, I didn't want to think about anything or anyone...much less myself. Like I said, a lot has happened in a year. Today, I laugh a lot, smile a lot, and cry a little less. I think about them and what could have been, knowing that if it did work, I would be holding two amazing little humans in my arms today instead of thinking about what could have been.

No, I'm sure it's not healthy to think about the past, mourn what could have been, or even long for what never was, but I can't help it. Not today. Today I will take time to grieve, to remember and to mourn our loss. 

Today I am sad. Today I grieve. Today will not last forever.
Tomorrow, I will smile again, laugh again, and even think about trying again, but today is not tomorrow.

Today I am lost.
Today I mourn my two perfect embryos that never came to be.
Today I grieve.
Today I am heartbroken.