Monday, February 22, 2016

Was it Really Only a Dream?

Have you ever had a dream that felt so real you couldn't tell if you dreamt it or if it really happened? I had a dream like that last night. I dreamt that I was pregnant.  This wasn't just the normal dream of being pregnant that I've had a million times before,  it was more. It was least it felt real.  Everything about it was real. I had a bit of the belly (the lovely baby bump that I've wished and prayed for) and I couldn't stop rubbing it.  I could feel the flutter of the baby move inside of me.  I could feel my body changing and I felt different. Everything was different.  I could feel the emotions (of what I can only imagine) of pregnancy. I wanted to scream and shout it from the rooftops that I was finally pregnant. That it finally happened to me!  I could literally feel all of these emotions in me.  I couldn't stop smiling and rubbing my now pregnant belly. I could really, truly feel the baby! It was the most AMAZING feeling in the world! It was the miracle that I prayed for all of these years.

Then I woke up.

I was awake and I couldn't stop smiling!  I was finally pregnant! My baby was finally inside of me. I actually woke up relieved and at piece, full of excitement, and smiles. The first thing I did was rub my stomach, but here was no baby bump. I immediately gasped.  I sat up straight, panic stricken! I couldn't breathe! I almost started hyperventilating.  It was just there!  I felt it! I rubbed around frantically all over my stomach trying to find the baby that I just felt! It was JUST there!  What the fuck!  What happened?  Where is my baby bump?  WHERE IS MY BABY?!?! I couldn't think straight. I couldn't get my bearings. I was so confused!

Could this experience really have only been a dream?  No!  Impossible! It felt SO real.  It wasn't like any other pregnancy dream I've ever had in that past.  I could feel the excitement and joy in my soul.  How could this only be a dream, when everything I had just experienced wasn't like any other feeling I had ever felt in my life.  Why was the universe playing yet another cruel and evil joke on me.  Where did my baby bump go? 'What the fuck' was all I could keep saying over and over. It probably took me ten minutes to really realize that everything was a dream....or in this case, a nightmare! There was no baby.  There was no pregnancy. It was only a dream...

I just hope I NEVER have a dream like that ever again.  It was too real. It was too hard to accept that it was only a dream.  It was cruel.

Just when I thought I  may be ready to move forward, childless, a dream like this makes me realize that maybe I'm not. Maybe one more try.  Maybe one more IVF.  Maybe one more attempt.  Maybe one more surgery.  Maybe...