Monday, December 21, 2015

"Merry" Christmas

If you remember my post from last year at this time, Christmas was not so joyous or merry. It was a very hard year. An extremely hard, emotionally draining year.  We finally tried IVF (twice!) after four failed IUI's and both of them failed.  Christmas was just not what it used to be, at least not that year. I ran out of the mall, for God's sake, when I saw Santa with all the happy little kids and families.  I was green with envy and my heart was extremely heavy with such a deep, dark sadness. Something like getting pregnant seemed so easy to so many people everywhere I turned, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I broke into a million pieces.

This year, I'm happy to say that I'm in a much better place.  We did officially try again this year (an IUI we told no one about back on the 4th of July) that once again failed, but that's ok.  I'm here, I'm healthy and I'm going to enjoy the season and the much needed Christmas break.

We decided to once again not go anywhere for Christmas this year.  Every year we traveled and we made sure to spend time with both sides of the family and even made sure to keep track of which side we spent Christmas Day on, so we could alternate.  This meant traveling to different states every single year. First we flew every year, and then after we got Zeus (our black lab) we started driving in order to take him with us.  Then a few years later, we adopted Poseidon (our chocolate lab) and we then traveled with 2 dogs.  It was chaotic, and expensive, but we loved it. It was great spending time with our families.  Last year I needed a break.  I needed to wake up in our bed with my husband, in our house.  I need the quiet.  I needed  peace.  I needed the break. I needed just him.  Luckily, Dave agreed.  This year we decided to do it again.  Not because we needed the quiet or because I was sad and in a bad place, but there was something special about waking up in our own bed that made it perfect.  Something that everyone else has always experienced, except for us. We never woke up in our own bed before last year.  14 years together and last year was the very first time we woke up on Christmas morning in our bed, in our house.  Something I think others take for granted, and something others don't think about. When was the last time you woke up in your own bed on Christmas morning.  Chances are, if you have kids, the answer is last year and many other times before then.  Last year was our first, and I wanted to do it again.

You can call it selfish. You call it whatever you want, but I wanted to do it again. When you don't have kids, you're always the one that has to travel.  You are the ones who have to go to all homes (in different states). Yes, I have invited my family down for Christmas, but of course they want to spend it in their homes with the kids...and who could blame them.  I most certainly don't.  I just also hope then, that they don't blame us for wanting the same thing.  For wanting to wake up in our home on Christmas morning..with out without kids. I feel guilty for not traveling, for not spending the time,energy and money to travel like we used to. Maybe next year we'll travel again....maybe we won't.  Maybe next year we'll have kids...maybe we won't.  We don't know what lies ahead.  We only have the here and now, and this year we will spend it in our house, alone, with each other.

We may only have two human stockings and two dog stockings hung again this year, but we have each other, our families, and our amazing friends.  Whether you travel, stay home, are surrounded by a huge family or spending the day alone, I wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and happy new year!  May your lives be blessed and may all your dreams come true!