Friday, January 31, 2014

Hopeful or Hopeless?

So as you know, I'm in a better place now in my life with respect to trying to have a baby.  I can go to baby showers and not cry.  I can hold babies and not tear up. I can really be happy for all of my pregnant friends without feeling extremely envious.  This of course, took many years to happen. It did not happen overnight.

When we first started trying to have a baby, I would go through so many pregnancy tests (which isn't cheap!) at just the thought of my period being late.  If my period was a day late, I would test.  Of course it was negative, but I wasn't discouraged.  If anything, I was a little hopeful.  Maybe I tested too early and it was wrong.  Maybe I was that person who got the false negative!  Month after month I would test and month after month it would still be negative. It was okay, I was still hopeful....

Years later that hope started to fade away, and I was left feeling hopeless. Every month when Aunt Flo came to visit, a little piece of me disintegrated. If I thought about it too much, I always ended up a puddle of goo in tears laying in fetal position on the floor.  I had to stay strong. I had to move on and build up that wall (easier said than done!). I couldn't keep going through this month after month.  I was spending so much money on ovulation tests and pregnancy tests every month only to keep getting disappointed. Looking back on it I should have bought stock in the company.  If I would have bought stock back then, maybe I would be able to afford IVF now...

Today I'm starting to get my hope back more and more, but I'm cautious about it.  I can't emotionally invest too much. Each day is different. Each day I get stronger and stronger, but sometimes I slip back to my old self. The other month (when we were on a break from all of our fertility treatments) Aunt Flo was a day late. I got a little excited.  The butterflies were in my stomach. The "what if" thoughts started to drift into my head.  What if I'm finally pregnant?  What if this month it really happened?  What if the months of drugs and shots and fertility treatments really worked?  What if....

No!  I can't do that..I won't do that!  In that moment I knew what I had to do.  I HAD to shoot those daydreams down!  I forced the words and dreams out of my head.  I've worked so hard to get to where I am now, I can't slip back.  I wont go back!  I love being happy and excited.  I love having a little bit of hope, but I can't think like that anymore. When all of those hopes and dreams slip into my mind, I have to remember that it's not real.  I can dream, and I can wish, and I can hope, but not too much.  In the end, I need to be realistic.  I need to remember that right now we are on a break from fertility treatments and getting pregnant on our own isn't our reality. We haven't been able to get pregnant in the last 10 years on our own, so why would I think that it would happen now?

So my question to you is this: what's worse....being hopeful or being hopeless?  I'm still trying to figure that one out. I don't know if I'll ever have the answer...but here's hoping! :)


  1. Hopeless. But I always have a half full glass. 9 people on this earth hearts stopped beating and I brought them back to life. Never give up on hope

    1. Oh I love this! 9 people you saved and brought back to life!! How amazing! Proof that there's ALWAYS hope! :)

  2. Hopeless is always worse. Without any hope, what is the point of living? Each day, I battle with losing hope. I always choose hope though, no matter how hard reality is bearing down because I know giving up hope is giving up what matters most to me. Sending lots of hugs your way to find the right "balance" of hope and reality.