Sunday, March 9, 2014

Grateful & Guilty

I'm in a weird place right now that has me all kinds of mixed up.... As you know (if you've been following this blog since January) Dave and I have been on this infertility roller coaster for almost 10 years now. We've gone through the ups, the downs, being hopeful, being disappointed (time and time again!) laughing, crying, screaming, blocking all emotions, contentment, and sometimes all of it mixed into one.

I found my infertility support group and my whole life changed all in one summer. I found women who knew what I was going through and REALLY understood.  Not "pretending to understand" or wishing they could understand...but really understood all of this (unfortunately!) My hope began again.  We went to the fertility clinic again.  Started the tests again and finally took the next step.  Started the meds, went in month after month for IUI (turkey baster procedure) after IUI and the disappointment and frustration started all over again...but at least we were going in the right direction!

Then it not that (*insert eye roll here because now every time I have "news" people always assume that I'm about to make a pregnancy announcement! It's so damn annoying!  Give me some credit people..I have a Pinterest account! :) If and when I make a pregnancy announcement, it's going to be kickass!)..but an opportunity that presented itself that I didn't think was possible.  The fertility clinic that we go to in our area put out a commercial stating that they were going to do a new study and it would offer IVF to women who passed the screening at a HUGE discount!  I didn't see the commercial but a friend in my support group posted the information to our site.  I wasn't going to apply for it because there was talk about the study being closed already because of all the applicants.  Someone told me to try for it, so what the hell....why not! I'm usually an optimistic person, but I knew I wouldn't be chosen or pass the screening because so many other people that were deserving in our group didn't pass. But I answer.  So I called again....voicemail! I called a third time...damn it! voicemail again! Ok I get it, this was some kind of sick joke or the study really was happening and they had so many phone calls and closed the study already and just decided that they would just send all of the new phone calls straight to voicemail.  Either way...oh well, I tried. One of the 10,000 reasons we started with IUI instead of IVF (petri dish procedure) was because of money and I really thought it would happen on my first try! $500-$700 vs $12,000-$17,000 makes for an easy decision! IVF though was our next step and this study would have been a great opportunity for us.  So I said fuck it...what else do I have to lose!  I called a fourth time, got voicemail and decided to leave a message.  Worse case scenario they don't call back.  15 minutes later though, they did call back!

The woman and I talked for about 5 minutes and my heart was pounding through my chest.  Every question she asked me led to another question. My voice was shaking through the whole phone screening. I even dropped the phone twice because my hand and my voice were both shaking at the same time now! What was happening to me?! What was my problem?!? The questions then stopped and that's when I knew she was going to thank me for calling and wish me a good day but tell me I wasn't a good candidate for this study...but that's not what she said.  She said, "Wonderful! I'm going to pass on your information to  our study coordinator and she'll be in touch for the next step"  Wha what!??!?  I passed?!?!  You mean I really passed!  Ok, now I know that this isn't the end and I"m in...but I passed the first round!  This is a HUGE ginormous step in the right direction toward IVF! I'm so grateful for this opportunity!

Then it hit...guilt! I'm blessed to have passed the pre-screening, but no one else in my group had.  I was the only one to move on.  Why?  So many other woman have paid tens of thousands of dollars to try to have a baby and I haven't paid nearly that yet.  Don't get me wrong we've spent tons of money; thousands,  but some woman have paid so much more! I should be so grateful, but instead right now I feel so guilty that I could possibly be chosen for this study. Guilty that my dreams may finally come true while others still wait and try.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I can't help it.  We've tried for almost 10 years to get this close. I need to hold on to that hope and just continue to pray for those who haven't had their dream come true yet...because technically we are still part of that group.  I'm not in the study (yet!), we haven't done IVF (yet!) and I still don't have a baby (yet!).

So I guess I'm going to end this post by asking all of you for a favor.  Whatever you believe, please say a little prayer for Dave and I, and also for everyone out there suffering and living with infertility that all of our dreams may one day come true!


  1. Congratulations on getting through this first step! I am so hopeful for both of you.

    I can't understand infertility, but I know the guilt. I think it is fairly common when you get involved with a support community. Even having doctors strong enough to tell us hospice was a good option made me feel guilty as I have several friends who were never offered that choice. The thing I've learned (and it took a while) was to not let the guilt ruin my happiness or even positive turns in my life. Your friends who did not make it past the first round will still be happy for you. Just as the moment when they get their baby, you will be happy for them. Depending upon where you are at, you may be jealous a little or angry, but you will still be happy because you have a good heart. And you I know you are wise enough to surround yourself with people with similarly good hearts, so even if they are a little jealous and a little angry that they were not the couple, they are still going to be happy for you two.

    Congratulations again!