Thankful for my Infertility

Yes, you read the title correctly. I AM thankful for my infertility.  Now before you start throwing viral middle fingers and screaming obscenities at me, just hear me out.

Would I wish this on my worst enemy, no. I would not wish infertility, loss, or anything surrounding infertility on anyone, but the fact is my husband and I suffer from it and will live with it everyday. If you read our story from the beginning then you know that we unfortunately suffered in silence for almost 9 years.  We didn't tell anyone and we dodged all the questions about when we were going to start a family while we cried alone behind closed doors. You also know that all of the treatments that we finally did do, never worked. The praying never worked. The IUIs never worked. The IVFs never worked. The pleading and crying, begging and negotiating never worked.  So one would think after all that, and everything we went through I would be bitter, angry and annoyed at everyone and everything. Sure I have my moments, I'm not going to lie, but not today.  Today I'm grateful.

Nine years after we started trying to expand our family (see what I said there...I said EXPAND, not start. Dave and I became a family when we got married.  Most people forget about that detail. He is my family and I am his. We wanted to expand our family, not start one!) I found a local Resolve support group by accident. A friend and fellow teacher told me about it and I went.  That day changed my life, more than I thought it ever would.

Because of my infertility and that group, I did things I never thought I could...or would.  I opened up. I talked about our infertility, our struggles and my fears on using fertility medicine and my hesitation. I finally didn't feel alone. I became part of a group that KNEW what I was going through, they didn't just pretend or empathize. They got it. Unfortunately, they knew all too well exactly what we were going through, because they were going through it too.

Because of my infertility, I met some of the greatest, kindest and most giving people in the whole world. These people are not only some of my dearest and closest friends to this day, but they ARE family. I celebrate the births of their babies with them and I hold their hands when yet another fertility treatments robs them of expanding their family. We laugh together. We cry together. We vacation and travel together. We talk, we text, we message, and we check in with each other. We are there for each other and I am so grateful for them and having them in my life.

Because of my infertility I was introduced to essential oils and how to detox my home and my life. I can now take control of my health, my family, my home and not let it control me. I am healthier now than I was 20 years ago and before the infertility treatments wrecked complete havoc on my body and soul. My skin is practically flawless (yes, I'm bragging because being over 40 means more lines and creases and I'm loving how my skin looks right now).

Because of my infertility I am more patient. Fertility treatments mean waiting....LOTS of waiting. Waiting the two weeks after your procedure to see if there are two lines. Waiting for the next injection. Waiting for the next meeting. Waiting for the all clear from your doctor to try again. Waiting to have sex (yes, sometimes you have to abstain from sex to have a baby...at least in the infertility world you do!). Waiting to build up your bank account so you can try again. Lots, and lots of waiting.

Because of my infertility I am a better person. I think I would have made a better mom too if I was fortunate enough to get pregnant and carry the baby full term. I look at life differently now. I don't judge as much and try not to give advice "what I would do if..." I'm just different.

It's taken me a long time and lots of struggles to get here, but I can honestly say I am here and living my best life. I may not have the life I planned or hoped for, but I really do have a great life. This Thanksgiving, I hope that each of you reading this can take a moment and be thankful for something good in your life.  Share that love with someone else and pay it forward. Be a shoulder to cry on for someone in the depths of despair or in the midst of yet another infertility treatment. Be an ear for someone who just needs to vent without judgment. Be thankful for your family and your extended family. Be thankful for your friends that get you and understand you. Be thankful for the roof over your head or the meal that you are about to eat. Just be thankful for something....even if it's something as strange as what infertility has brought to your life and the people you met because of it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone!!!

Hi! Remember Me?

Hey friends! Remember me....the smartass blogger who writes about the ins and outs of my uterus and infertility journey with a funny twist. Wow, it's been longer than I thought.  A lot longer!  I thought my last post was a few months ago, maybe even a year, but to see that it's been two whole years is kind of shocking, and embarrassing! Cue the face palm emoji.

I used to love blogging.  I still do.  I miss it greatly. But here's the thing, I wasn't quite sure what to write about now that our journey with trying to conceive is over. I'm happy with our decision, and I felt guilty for that. I feel like I'm the constant reminder to people still going through infertility treatments that they don't always work, and people don't want to think about that.  No matter how much you pray, spend money, try, wish and bargain with God, sometimes they just don't work, and that’s shitty.  I'm that black cloud in people's dreams.  I'm the one that wanted it SO badly, but now is living a childless life.  I'm the one that tried for 13 years before changing paths.  I'm the one where the injections, the IUIs and the IVFs didn't work. People don't want to be reminded that no matter how desperately you want a baby, sometimes it doesn't work out the way you hoped or planned.  For this reason, I have backed away from helping with our monthly Resolve support group meetings.  I want people, especially the new people, to have hope. I want them to be excited in this shit show of circumstances they were forced to accept and I don't feel I'm the right person for that at this moment in time. I've been through a lot and have suffered a lot, and I want them to still have hope. I don’t want them to hear about everything we endured and have nothing to show for it.

Here's the thing though.  I don't regret it. Not one treatment, not one second spent trying, not the tens of thousands of dollars spent out of our own pockets, not the millions of tears, nothing.  I still think I'm one of the lucky ones.  Yep, you read that correctly.  I'm super lucky.  You know why....because we got to try! Do you know how many of my friends are sitting in limbo because they can't afford to even try?  It's heartbreaking.  We got to try.  We got to try a lot.  In total, we tried nine IUI treatments and twice with IVF...without insurance coverage (don't even get me started on this subject! Grrrrr)! I'm lucky for getting to try.  I'm grateful.  I can honestly say, that I'm happy.  It's not the life I planned or hoped for, but it's my life and I'm happy.

So now what?  Where does my blog go from here? I'm not quite sure yet, but I know that I miss sharing my life with all of you and I miss the free therapy I get when I'm writing. So expect to see a lot more of me, my sass and where my new childfree life is taking me!