Transfer Day!!!!!

OMG! OMG! OMG!
I can't believe the day is FINALLY here!  For all of my IUI's I was petrified the day of.  Retrieval day...scared shitless!  Now today, transfer day, I couldn't be more excited! This has GOT TO BE a great sign!

I woke up this morning ready to go!  Am I being optimistic? Yes! Am I over-excited? Yes! Am I setting myself up for another heartbreak?  Maybe...but eff it! I'm excited!!!

This is it!  This is the day where I just KNOW I'm going to get pregnant!  This is going to work!  I can feel it in my bones!  My appointment is at 9:30 this morning and time is just dragging!  I already have my outfit picked out like it's the first day of grade school! I have my special knee-high obnoxious socks ready....yes I'm THAT chick! I bought them just for today.  They are a simple white (unlike the socks I bought for retrieval day!) and down the side of them they say OMG!  They're perfect!  I knew those were the socks the moment I saw them.  I found them at the 4th store I went to and immediately picked them up and bought them!  Oh My Gosh...this is really happening!!!

Yesterday I found myself daydreaming off and on throughout the day knowing that it was my last day of not being pregnant.  10 years in the making and this was my last day! I bought a bottle of wine, knowing it was my last for awhile and went home happy and excited. I thought about the future and couldn't wait to get home and see Dave!

Now the day is here! This is the day! It is our time! The wait is over...except for the excruciating 2 week wait!  We've got this!

C'mon 9:30!!!!! They just called to rescheduled for 10:30....









Transfer Update.....
So we get there at 10:15...you know me, if I'm on time, I"m late!  Being late gets me all spun up (more than normal!) and sends me into a tizzy.  We didn't need that today.
So I get my blood drawn, I shown off my socks to everyone, and there's not a single soul in the whole clinic that can't feel my excitement.  I am LITERALLY skipping down the hall to get my blood drawn!

The transfer couldn't have gone better!  Of the two PERFECT embryos that we transferred, one of them was graded as a Grade 1...text book perfect!  He only gives this grade to a select few!  My doctor said she only sees this about once a year to once every other year!  YAY!!!!  My other perfect embryo was graded as a Grade 2.  Amazing!
Here they are! Grade 1 is on the top right, and Grade 2 is on the bottom left.  Double Trouble! HA!

Retrieval Day

Oh my gosh here it is!

We get there early and everything is set and ready to go. The nurses are beyond amazing and I have my bright colored socks on ready to rock and roll. My favorite color is green, but on the top they have pink and blue stripes...great luck right?!?

I get my IV in, Dave's there taking pictures and now we're ready! My anesthesiologist gives me my fun cocktail and it's so weird because I can feel the cold running through my veins. I start getting loopy and it's time to be rolled into the OR! It's time! My eggs are done cooking and now it's time to transfer them to the plate...or in this case, the Petri dish!

15-20 minutes later I'm back with Dave and starting to wake up. I have to lay there for an hour with this AMAZING heat pad that's made from an IV bag sitting on my stomach! Who would have thunk it?!?  A heating pad made from an IV bag... Best. Thing. Ever!

I'm now home laying in bed for the next 24 hours waiting to recover and hear the results. Ironically enough, we'll find out tomorrow on mothers Day how many of our eggs fertilized. This is yet another great sign for good things to come!

I asked Dave (who's waiting on me hand and foot) to go and grab something from the guest room for me. To his surprise, I had a basket of hand selected beers and a couple of cigars waiting for him on the bed with a personalized card! He deserved a surprise and reiteration of how much I love him and how much I appreciate how much he's put up with the past couple of months. Each beer was bought for the label (including the raging bitch beer..thanks Candace for that suggestion!!!!) He was beyond moved, and I'm so glad I was able to do something good for him instead being a crying hot mess!

So now I lay here watching TV and waiting for the results!!! In 3 days we will transfer the best looking 2 embryos! This is what we've been waiting and praying for!

Thank you everyone!!

xox

P.S. I'm only one hour into my 24 hour bed rest and I'm already bored and ready to get up and get started with my day.....yikes! I have way too much energy, but this will ALL be worth it in the end! :)

P.P.S. I just got the phone call about my results!  Today is Mother's Day and today is the day I found out the great news!  From the 12 mature follics I had on Thursday (5 really good ones, 4 good ones, 2 ok ones and 1 ehh one) they were able to retrieve 6 eggs! 2 of them did not fertilize and 4 of them did!  The 4 that fertilized, they all look really good the doctor said!  What great news for this hope-to-soon-be-mom on Mother's Day!

Getting Closer!!!

So is this really happening?!  Am I really doing this?

I started birth control and I'm now doing daily Lupron injections. All of this in order to get one step closer to being accepted into the study and on the road to IVF. The study requires my estrogen levels to be at or below 20.2  Day 3 labs in March said my levels were at 38. Day 3 labs in April they went up to 46.  I of course freaked out, but the nurse said that was normal and not to worry.  They started me on birth control to shut my system down and then I started the daily Lupron injections.

I had my blood work done this morning to check my levels.  Here goes nothing...

I got the call that afternoon and my estrogen dropped to 24.4!!  Wait...what?!?  They want to see me again tomorrow morning to check my levels again.

I'm going to puke....no seriously, I'm about to hurl all over the floor!

I've been going through the motions not thinking about the next step.  How could I think about the future when all the other times have only led to tears and disappointment.  So I get up in the morning, take my birth control pill and then Dave sticks me with a needle full of Lupron into my belly.  I've been doing this for 8 days now.  Get up, take my pill, get my shot, make my coffee.  Get up, take my pill, get my shot, make my coffee.  Get up, (stop taking the pill), get my shot ready,  stick myself in the belly, make my coffee.  Get up, inject my shot, get my coffee... it's Groundhogs Day over and over for 8 days now.  We don't talk about it. We don't really discuss it. We don't dream about what could be next.  We just get up, Dave gives me my shot, and I make my coffee.

Now there's light at the end of the tunnel.  Now there's a reason I've been taking the pill, getting my shot and drinking my coffee....I just may be getting a day closer to IVF!  So we also decided to start having fun with it.  If I need to do all of these injection every day, lets have a little fun! :)

Wowzers!

Sooooo remember my last post about how I was going to start taking the pill and I wasn't worried about the side effects because I was on the pill before and nothing happened and yadda yadda....

WRONG!!!  Someone please say a little prayer for Dave!  The poor man needs a break...from me, his wife! Send chocolate and wine for me, and please for the love of all things holy, please send Dave some beer and some cigars!  The man needs a break!  You know it's got to be bad around here if I'm recognizing that I'm a pain to live with!  Holy shit!  What do they put in these pills?!?  They are not the same birth control pills I took all those years ago!  These things must be laced with extra bitchiness and crazy! Holy Hell!

So we decided together that we were going to have a code word/phrase for when I starting getting all spun up.  You know...a word he could say to me when I started acting crazy and I could self reflect and get it together. A word or phrase I didn't think we would need....but thought maybe we should just in case!  A phrase that I agreed to! Yeah..so we have one!  He's used it several times already!!  And let me tell you this...I'm about to slam a sock down his throat if he uses it on me one more time because NOW that I'm  under the influence of birth control crazy pills, I HATE the phrase!

So what's the phrase you ask?  How bad could it be?!  BEFORE bcp (birth control pills) I thought the phrase was funny.  BEFORE bcp, I had a sense of humor! BEFORE bcp, I wasn't a raging bitch! Our code word/phrase is simple it's..."You're acting crazy!"

Simple right? To the point, you say! Funny even!  Yes....BEFORE bcp, all of those things are correct! NOW though...I want to punch him in his arm if I hear that phrase again! I swear, if he says it one more time, I think I might cry...oh wait I did!  And then I was pissed because I cried!

Holy hell...how much longer do I need to do this?!?!  3-4 more weeks!  Good God, please send Dave some relief...but don't leave me out because I might scream at you too if you don't include me!  HA!

This will all be worth it in the end is what I keep reminding Dave....I don't think he's buying it right now, but maybe that's because I'm still at the beginning stages of my crazy pills! *Cue evil laugh!*

Another Step Closer...

Ahhhhhhhhh good news alert!!!

We are another step closer to being accepted into the IVF study!!! I can't believe this!  After all the things that we've been through and all the things we have tried over the years, it finally seems like maybe...just maybe...this could be it! IVF here we come (hopefully!)

Now I know, I know, I shouldn't get my hopes up or do too much wishful thinking but I just can't help it! I want to jump up and down and shout it from the rooftops that we are another step closer!!!

Here's the thing though...they want me to start on birth control pills!  Wait...what?!?  You mean I need to take birth control pills in order to try and get pregnant?!?  I feel like I had an Arnold (from Diff'rent Strokes) moment.."Whatcha talkin' about Willis?!?" right there in the doctor's office! Let me get this straight....I'm trying to get pregnant and you want me to start taking birth control?!  Don't you know I want a refund on all the years I thought I had to take the pill in order to not get pregnant?!?  ummmm ok then! It made me think of all the times we couldn't have sex when we did our IUI's so we could get pregnant...which obviously didn't work!

So here goes nothing....I start "the pill" today in the hopes of getting pregnant! HA!  That sounds like a bad joke just writing it! But, whatever!  What do I have to lose!  I'll try anything right about now!

I talked to a couple of friends who went through IVF and were also on the pill as part of their protocol, and they all warned me about the huge side effects of mood swings and bitchiness (yes...more than my normal bitchiness! I can see my sisters commenting now as they read that last sentence!).  I'm not too worried though because I wasn't bad when I was on the pill 10+ years ago, so this should be nothing..... we shall see!

Wish us luck! I'm starting the pill...hoping to get pregnant..lol Yep, it's still funny saying that!









P.S. I created a page on the front of the blog about some fundraising I started.  You can read all about the details HERE. Don't worry...we're not asking for a handout (unless of course you want to just donate a dollar or two...we'll take it! :) HA!)
If you know of any teachers out there that can use some items for their classroom, then please send them to my stores! The money I make from these items is going towards our infertility treatments. :) Thanks!!!

Resolve to Know More...About Infertility

Blogging…

I’ve read blogs before. Both for personal reasons and work related, but I’ve never actually blogged before. Why would anyone want to read what I have to say? Who would read it? Why would they care? What would be so different about my story than from others? What would I have to blog about that hasn’t already been written? I’ve never talked about infertility to anyone besides my husband (and my awesome RESOLVE support group) and now I’m actually thinking about blogging about it!  What’s wrong with me?  How can I think about going from completely silent about our infertility to putting our struggles out on the web for anyone and everyone to see? All of these things went through my head over and over before I actually decided to do it…

For the most part writing about our years of struggles with infertility has been helpful for me, but come to find out it has also been helpful for others. I have heard stories from friends and family members about their struggles with infertility that I never knew about. Stories that they kept private for so many years.  Stories of their own struggles of loss and miracle conceptions.  Stories that were private and personal that they shared only with a few.

Then there are also those few that are offended by my blog. Comments about how they wished I wouldn't talk about it so much because it makes them uncomfortable or it makes them sad and they feel sorry for me. I’m sorry that you’re uncomfortable, but imagine me trying to get pregnant with doctors and nurses all in the room while I’m in stirrups...then we can talk about who’s uncomfortable! I'm not here to offend you, but I'm also not going to keep quiet about my journey and struggles because it makes you uncomfortable.   It took me almost ten years to talk about it publicly and I’m not about to stop now!  I'm on this infertility roller coaster, and I’m already strapped in. Trust me, I want to get off but unfortunately I can’t, so hold on tight because it’s about to be a bumpy ride!   You’re lucky because you have options: 1. Get on and buckle up or 2. Jump off!  At least you have a choice!

I decided the moment I hit the 'Publish' button on January 1, 2014 that I was going to be a voice and a face for infertility.  I want to educate people. I want to stand up for what is right and be that annoying buzz in the insurance company’s ear...you know the ones that don't have mandatory coverage for infertility treatments in most states. Don't even get me started on that one! I read all of my insurance company's documents and I actually called my insurance company and double checked to make sure they wouldn't cover anything...nope, not a single piece of our journey is covered by insurance.  Unfortunately I was correct.  I have insurance and I can't even use it! They don't cover the transfer, the medicine, the ultrasounds, the hydrosonograms, or the injections. But you want to know what they do cover...they would cover my rehab if I decided to VOLUNTARILY take a needle full of heroin and inject it into my body! If I made the choice to start injecting illegal drugs into my body, they would cover that! I did not make the choice to have fertility problems.  I did not make the choice to make it so difficult to have a baby. I did not make the choice to have it nearly impossible to create another human life. Infertility injections full of medicine that could help me get pregnant are considered elective and they DO NOT cover those injections! One needle is full of disgusting drugs that will kill you, and the other needle is full of an 'elective' medicine to help your body conceive a miracle baby. One of these needles will lead to death, and one of them to life.  One of these needles was injected by choice, and one was injected by necessity. One is covered by insurance, and one is not. I just don't understand, and I never will!

So, I'm sorry if I'm offending you in some way or making you uncomfortable, but no I'm not going to stop typing my thoughts or talking about it. I always thought we were alone in our journey, but unfortunately there’s a lot of us….too many of us!  If I can help just ONE couple not feel so alone, then I did something positive in the infertility world! Did you know that 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility?  How many of those couples do not seek treatment because of the out of pocket cost? How many couples can only endure one or two treatments because of the ever rising expense?  How many couples go to different states looking for infertility treatment because the laws are different in that state? The numbers are shocking! 

I don’t expect you to stand next to me marching at the next infertility awareness parade, but I would love for you to listen and read what we’re going through.  Maybe our story can help someone you know.  Maybe our story will help one of your family members silently going through the same thing.

I thank God that you don’t understand or know firsthand what it’s like to go through infertility. I thank God that you don’t understand what it’s like to chart, test, wait, agonize, and hope only to be disappointed time and time again year after year.  I thank God that you don’t know what it’s like to lay on your bathroom floor in a puddle of your tears after the thousandth negative pregnancy test. I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to be poked and prodded and then have all of your intimate insides put on display on a TV screen for doctors and nurses to talk about as if you weren’t in the same room naked and mortified.  I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to scream ‘Why Me?’ one hundred times over. I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to plea, cry out, and have your faith questioned only to turn around to feel guilty for ever having those thoughts enter your mind. I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to try and create a baby with you, your husband, a doctor, a couple of nurses and an intern all in the same room. I thank God that you don’t know what it’s like to feel the financial burden of trying to create a family in just the hope that it works this round. I thank God that you don’t know what it’s like to lie to your friends and family because it’s just easier to lie about ‘not wanting to have kids’ than it is to admit that you’ve been trying for 10 years with no results.  I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to have hope that maybe…just maybe this IUI or IVF round was ‘the one!’ only to find out yet again it wasn’t.  I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to have a constant pit in your stomach or physically feel the ache in your heart before you test again only to confirm what you already knew.  I thank God you don’t know…

These are the reasons I’m grateful for my voice!  It may have taken me awhile to use it for infertility, but now that I have, I will not back down or stop.  I can’t promise you that my story will end with my miracle baby, but I can promise you this…I won’t stop being a voice and I refuse to give up hope! I resolve to know more…do you?

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

A Single Dandelion

I was co-teaching in a first grade classroom the other day and we had the students take the iPads outside to take pictures of evergreen and deciduous trees.  Instead of having them just draw a picture of the tree and labeling it on a piece of paper, they were going to create a digital story using the pictures they take with the iPad camera and then record their voices talking about each picture!  Demonstrating comprehension in a fun and an engaging way... this is why I LOVE TEACHING!!!

Anyway, a little boy came up to me when we were outside and hands me a dandelion. Now, to you and me a dandelion is just a yellow weed growing in the lawn, but to this little boy it was a beautiful yellow flower!  He hands it to me and says, "This beautiful flower is for you Mrs. Taxson!  I love you!"  Let's all say it together now....awwwwww!  Yeah...he really said that!  I of course responded with, "Thanks buttercup! I love you too!"  Now this prompted another little 6-year-old to hand me a dandelion, and then another and then another.  We obviously got a bit sidetracked in our lesson and before I knew it a little girl shouted, "Look how much we love Mrs. Taxson!  The flowers keep falling out of her hand!"  I looked down and sure enough my "flowers" were overflowing right out of my hand!

This got me thinking.  Some of us see what we have as weeds, and others see them as flowers.  It's all about perspective.  I was in a pretty good mood even before working with this class, but my heart was so full and my smile so big by the time I left. Who would have thought that a single dandelion...a weed...would have made my day brighter and better!

Some days when you get yet another failed pregnancy test or go through another failed infertility treatment, it's really hard to look at the world with rose colored glasses or see the yellow 'flowers' in the grass. My bouquet of 'flowers' came at the perfect time as I wait and wait to see if I get into my infertility clinic's IVF study. Sometimes the waiting can be the worst.  We wait during our 2 wait weeks, we wait for our cycle to start so we can start yet another treatment hoping that this one will work, we wait the 3-5 minutes for the pregnancy test results, we wait for our baby to be conceived...we get used to waiting.

Today though the sunlight was shining strong, and my agonizing waiting perspective changed...even if for just a brief moment. As I held my yellow flowers, I remembered the times I picked 'flowers' for my mom and how she would always put them in vases around the house. Then I imagined my 'child' picking flowers for me. I thought about all the things I would teach my child about life and love and perspective.  I thought about all the good that was still in the world and how to never give up on our hopes and dreams.  It was like a fast movie playing in my head...you know the scene that happens right as the person is falling to their death (ok bad analogy...but you get the point!) I thought all of these things in that brief moment as I looked down at my hand and saw it over-pouring with love from all the these wonderful 6-year-olds. How can you have a bad day after that?  You can't! :)

I never thought a single dandelion could change my life, but it did! So here's to all the dandelions in the world! May you see them as beautiful yellow flowers like a 6-year-old does and not an ugly weed like most adults do!