Another Childless Christmas

I love Christmas!  I love everything about it! The decorations, the kindness, the giving, the presents (both buying them and getting them!) the music... Oh the music!  I'm one of those cheeseballs that you can't stand that starts listening to Christmas music as soon as possible.  I just LOVE when the local radio station starts playing it 24 hours a day. I'm in Christmas music heaven!  I warned you...I'm that person!  I sing along at the top of my lungs in my car, even though I can't hit a single note! I pity the poor drivers next to me at stop lights that had to endure the torture of my singing through closed windows. Did you see the Big Bang Theory episode of Bernadette singing in the car....yeah that's me!
(for those of you reading this on a mobile device and can't see the video that's embedded below, you can view the clip that I'm referring to here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAZEIwD3TNA )

For a lot of couples going through infertility, Christmas can be a hard time.  It's another sad reminder that it is just the two of them and still no children.  Only two stockings and not three. No children to watch open presents.  No Santa Clause. The constant reminder from family that you don't have kids.  They don't mean it, but it's there.  You are the ones that have to travel because, let's face it, it's easier for you to travel without kids than it is for family members with kids to travel to you.  So you have to shell out hundreds and hundreds of dollars to travel in state or out of state to go spend time with the ones you love because you don't have kids.  I 'd like to think they don't think of it that way and it never crosses their mind, but you do.

Honestly though, I've never had these feelings.  I've always loved Christmas and the holidays and everything about it.  I loved being with family, and watching my nieces and nephew open their presents and talk about how Santa came to visit them.  I could never relate to my friends going through this, even though we were still childless at Christmas. I didn't understand what they were going through. I could sympathize and be there for them, but I couldn't relate....until this year.  This year was the first time ever where I felt broken. I cried...a lot! 

The Christmas season started out great! I went to the mall to go shopping. I stopped at a few stores, had a few bags in my hand and went on to the next stop. I passed the center court where Santa was and looked over with a smile.  I saw Santa bend down to hug a little girl who was probably about 2 and I lost it.  Right there in the middle of the mall!  I gasped! Tears started streaming down my face. My chest felt like it was about to cave in.  The grief struck and I couldn't stop it.  I looked like a freaking lunatic!  I literally ran into a man as I rushed out of the mall as fast as I could gasping for breath and trying to see through my streaming tears. I was sure a security guard would try to stop me on my way out thinking I just stole something! Come to find out, this was only going to be the first of many incidents this Christmas season...

I was singing like Bernadette (Big Bang Theory) at the top of my lungs in my car on the way to work one Monday like I have every other work day morning. A song came on, I was singing, and the verse I sang said something about 'my sweet baby'. I don't remember any other words after that. It hit me out of no where like a ton of bricks. I  lost it.  I lost my breath, I lost all self control, I couldn't stop the tears. I tried to control myself so that I wouldn't swerve off the road. I could barely see through my tears. I couldn't catch my breath. The realization of  everything that we went through this year hit me again. The 9 years where we tried naturally didn't affect me like this.  It hurt, but it never stopped my Christmas spirit. Last year when we did 4 IUI's, that one was hard, but we always knew deep down that it would work as long as we did IVF. This year, after 2 failed IVF cycles back to back it broke me. IVF was supposed to be our end all.  It was supposed to work. It was supposed to be our answer.  It was supposed to be our miracle.  It wasn't.  It didn't work.  I couldn't keep my 3 perfect embryos. My womb is empty again and so is my heart. So this year we decided that we were going to do something for Christmas that we've never done before.  We stayed home!  We stayed home alone.  No traveling, no family, no children.  This was the first time EVER in the 13 years we've been together that we woke up in our own bed on Christmas Day.  Just the two of us. I needed that. I was able to FaceTime with my family and watch them open their presents, and it was AMAZING!  I got the best of both worlds this year.  I got to be in my house with my husband alone on Christmas morning, and I also got to feel like I was with my family many many miles away. I also got to cry in private when I thought I burned our Christmas dinner....yeah that really happened.  

It dawned on me though, with the new year quickly approaching, that I need a change.  I need to get out of this funk.  I've had my time to grieve for my 3 embryos that never made it past day 10. I cried enough tears these past three months to flood the world twice over.  I need a change. I don't know yet what that change will be or how to do it, but I need a change.  I don't know if we will try IVF again for a third and final time in the new year or just decide to live a childless life.  What I do know though, is that I love my husband and the patience he has with me. I love my family. I love my friends. I love being happy. 

I saw this post on Pinterest a little while ago and pinned it to my Infertility Pinterest Board. I saw it again and it was the push I needed to make a change.  Dave and I are already a family! We have each other.  Yes, we would love to add to our family, but none the less, we are a family and I love my little family!

So here's to a New Year, a new attitude, less tears and more smiles!

And The Test Results Are In...

I knew it was negative again before I even stepped foot in the doctor's office Friday morning.  I had already taken several home pregnancy tests and started bleeding again on day 10.  I just can't seem to get past day 10! Because of protocol, I still had to go into the doctor's office to make it official. What a punch in the gut!  I had already called them crying asking if I could change my appointment day to Saturday so that I wouldn't have to take another day off of work, knowing that this was just a procedural visit.  Take my blood, get my test results and make sure I'm feeling ok (physically, not mentally) but they couldn't do it.  Couldn't or wouldn't...either way I still had to go in. While I was there, I snapped at the nurse twice and had to apologize quickly.  I'm not mad at her, it's not her fault, I'm just mad. Mad at the process, mad at infertility, mad at the world, mad at my body.  Just mad!

My last failed IVF in May sent me into a deep, dark depression.  One that I've never experienced before in my life. One that scared both me and Dave. One that I never want to revisit. This failed round has left me broken, and numb.  I'm sad and hurt, but I'm so so angry!  I want to punch something. I want to fix it.  I want to change the way this study works. I just want to scream!!!

After 10 years of trying, 4 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, we have 3 choices now.  Three hard choices:

1. Stay in the study and give it one more chance for another $5,000. Doing this will not change the outcome. I think something is wrong with this protocol for my body. The same results happened on the same day both times!  My gut tells me we need to change something, but because of 'the study' you can't change anything.
2. Save every penny and do a 'normal' IVF customized for me for $15,000. I would just need to win the lottery and then talk to my doctor and ask him what he would change in my protocol if I wasn't in the study.  
3. Move on (not give up!) and live a childless life knowing in our hearts we tried everything we could to have a baby.

Three choices. These are the only three possibilities for us so please don't come up to me and tell me I should/could 'just adopt', or find a surrogate, or let it be God's will!  These three statements send me over the edge.  Especially right now and how angry I am.  Telling me to just adopt is ridiculous.  This is not the 1960s with children in orphanages waiting for you to stop by and take one home.  Adoption is now such a political and money-making venture it takes years and tens of thousands of dollars to adopt.  Yes I know there are other ways, we have researched a lot of them and know our options.  If you've never adopted in the past 10 years, then please keep this comment to yourself.

Use a surrogate.  I know people personally who have used a surrogate to have their baby and each time it was because they had to have a hysterectomy.  This comment hurts me a lot! Without you thinking about what you're saying, this comment says this to me, "Your body is broken, just use someone else's!" I know something is wrong...obviously, but you saying this to me is like a knife in my heart.  Not to mention that it costs more to use a surrogate (on average) than 3 full cost rounds of IVF!  There's a lot more in to it than most people think.

It's God's will.   Ok, this comment makes me want to cut a bitch!  No seriously..it does!  Don't get me wrong.  I know, believe and understand that God has a plan.  I know this in my heart of hearts.  This is different (to me) than it being God's will.  By you saying this is God's will, this is what I hear,"God hates you but loves the crack head mother that has 14 children by 14 different men." "God is mad at you, but will bless the atheist who doesn't believe in you with twins" So it's God's will to punish me by not giving me children, but He will give children to abusive, murdering parents, or 14 year old girls?!?  Do you see how messed up that statement is?!?  No, I don't believe this is God's will!  Don't say that to me!  Yes, this is God's plan and I may not understand it, but it is NOT His will.  He hears my cries, He hears me pray and beg and plead with Him. He sees the rushing tears coming out of my eyes.  No! This is not His will.  His plan maybe, but not His will!

I don't know where we will go from here and I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that one day I will be strong enough again to move on. One day...

1 Week Down!

It has officially been one week since we transferred LO (Lucky One).  Unlike what a lot of people think (and keep asking), no I don't know if I'm pregnant yet. The dreaded 2 wait weeks are in full swing. What you don't know if you've never done this before is, after your IUI or IVF you have to wait 2 weeks before you know if you're pregnant or not.   Two weeks doesn't seem long in the whole scheme of things, but TRUST ME, two weeks drag on forever when all you want to know is "did it work?"  We of course call these two weeks the dreaded 2 week mind fuck! Yep!  You have to pretend like you're pregnant the whole time, while not actually knowing if you are or not....and it doesn't help that the amount of progesterone you are injecting into your body daily actually gives you pregnancy symptoms.  I'm used to these symptoms now and don't think too much into it...but still a mind fuck! The last 5 rounds ended in disappointment so I'm really hoping this 6th time is the charm..the Lucky ONE!


The transfer itself went well, and I even had my favorite doctor this time! I also got him to chuckle under his mask when I unveiled my lucky transfer socks I bought just for the occasion...wonder woman (with capes!). It was great! We got to see LO on the big screen before the transfer and Dave was in the room the whole time taking pictures and squeezing my hand when I needed him.  Here are some of the pictures from the big day. Don't worry, I'll spare you the ones with me in the stirrups..what was he thinking?!?!

After the transfer you are wheeled out to your "room" to wait for another hour.  This should be a relaxing time, right?!?  WRONG!  Here's the part that no one tells you...  Before your transfer you have to sip on water while you're in bed waiting for your turn because they want your bladder full during the ultrasound.  I learned the hard way last time, to sip on water and then guzzle it at the very last moment possible, because you want a full bladder but not a FULL bladder. When you're in the operating room getting ready for the transfer, you get the good ultrasound...the belly goop kind!  During this time, the nurse is pushing on your full bladder so the doctor can clearly see your uterus. The transfer happens (with the nurse pushing on your bladder the whole time ) and then it's over.  You probably think this is the time I get to get up and go to the bathroom right....WRONG! Nope, you get to stay in bed for an hour!  An hour!!  Now picture this, you just had one of the happiest most hopeful and joyous moments just occur and now you get to sit and think about anything else except wetting the bed.  The nurse comes in and offer you a bed pan, but there was no way in hell I was going to use a bed pan unless I absolutely needed to!  I was going to do everything in my power to hold in the pee..and LO! The minutes tick by and there is nothing more I want to do except pee.  Nothing else on my mind except getting out of that bed and running to the bathroom. The nurse comes back through my curtain door again to check in on me and all I can think about is tackling her to the ground to make it to the bathroom.  She asks me how I'm doing, and I grit my teeth, smile and ask how much longer.  She tells me only 45 more minutes!  Wait..what?!? You're telling me only 15 minutes have passed?!?  I didn't think I was going to make it, but somehow I did!  Sorry to disappoint you!  I'm sure some of you were hoping for some crazy ending to this story about how I peed the bed! Nope! :)

So now I wait again.
I wait for these two weeks to end.
I wait for my test results.
I wait for my prayers to be answered.
I wait for what might be the end.
I wait for what might be the beginning

I just wait...

The One!

As most of you  know, I decided to keep this IVF cycle information and timeline current instead of blogging about it with a delay. This is both good and bad.  By doing this, I give up the big & awesome reveal if when this works and also the "safe" 3-month (1st trimester) wait before telling people!  Hey, I think I can handle that.  The response to this round has been amazing!  There have been so many prayers and well wishes coming our way as we go through this, yet again!

Tuesday was my egg retrieval surgery and all went well.  Of course, last time I was the ONLY person there for surgery and I was treated like a queen! We all had so much fun joking around and laughing before surgery.  This time around, there were five of us, and I was 5th on the list! Wowzers! I had to pass the time somehow, so I started taking silly selfies...something I hardly ever do!  Hey...a girl's gotta pass the time somehow!

I also was more prepared this time around in the sock department.  I searched high and low for the socks that were THE ONE! I think this sums it up pretty well!  Bad Ass!  Because you have to be some sort of bad ass to put yourself through this time and time again right?!?

Now let me just warn you....if you thought these socks were bad ass...just wait until Friday's transfer!  The socks I bought for transfer day are beyond amazing!  So appropriate! 

So let's move on to transfer day and what to expect.  Dave and I got the call about my eggs and our embryos. They retrieved 8 follicles.  In those 8 follicles, there were only 7 eggs. Of those 7 eggs, 4 were mature and 3 were immature (not ready to be fertilized). So now we're down to 4 possibilities.

Of those 4:

1 didn't fertilize

2 were growing slowly

1 fertilized perfectly

They called us back later that day to express their deepest apologizes, but the 2 that were growing slowly haven't made the changes they wanted to see, so we are left with only the one that fertilized.  

Ok, I'm not going to lie, I was sad and disappointed at first....who wouldn't be?!?  The odds seemed like there were stacked against us.  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...I needed to snap out of it!  No matter how disappointed I was, I'm still in a place where some women only dream they could be.  So I decided to come up with a bunch a "silver-lining" quotes and nicknames for our one and only embryo that we will transfer tomorrow!  Here it goes!

• It only takes ONE
• This is THE ONE
• Our ONE and only!
• ONE perfect embryo
• ONE hit wonder
• ONE stop shop!
• The lone survivor
• The Lucky ONE

This will work!  Tomorrow we will transfer our one perfect embryo at 8:30am and it won't have to fight another embryo to find a place to snuggle up inside of my womb.  It will get first pick of were to find it's home! :)  I have to stay positive and trust in the plan!

I can't wait until tomorrow!  

I stumbled across this quote on my friend's Facebook page the other week, and it's PERFECT! I keep looking at it as we get closer and closer to transfer day!  This is the ONE!

Here We Go....

                                                       ***WARNING*****
The "F" word will be used a lot in this post.  It will be an adjective, a verb, a noun and possibly even an adverb.  If you get easily offended by it, then this isn't the post for you.  If you don't mind the word, love the word, and even use the word yourself, then this post will most likely make you laugh a little :)

So we've raised the money we needed to fund this last and final IVF attempt...thanks to our dear friends T&A (HA!  just writing that makes me laugh! I have such a dirty mind...) and also all of our amazing friends and family that donated their hard earned money and their prayers!  This doesn't happen overnight like someone thought (future blog post maybe...), this process will take 1-2 months before I even have my little embryos to transfer.

I never thought I'd do this again after our failed attempt back in May.  We got the devastating news of the failure on a Tuesday and our 11th wedding anniversary was that Friday.  Needless to say, we weren't in any kind of mood to celebrate, so we decided to have a "Fuck-It" anniversary! Nooooo not like that!  :) Yes, I have a dirty mind, yes I blog and write about my hoo-ha, yes I usually don't have a filter (outside of work), but no that's not what I meant! I meant we just said Fuck It! We made our anniversary a fun-filled day of crazy stupid things we normally wouldn't do.  We skipped the romantic dinner filled with candles and roses and a quiet place for two and opted for fun and chaos at Shogun (an awesome hibachi place). We could go there and eat and have fun and be surrounded by people...no time for serious talks or crying! We then decided to go to the oceanfront (perks of living in Virginia Beach!) on a whim and walk around with our toes in the sand.  We came across one of those touristy haunted houses on the boardwalk and Dave said we should do it!  My response...Fuck-It..let's go!  We (or should I say.."I") screamed and we both had a blast. Then we fell upon one of those Old Time Photo places where you get dressed up and take cheesy pictures, we both looked at each other and.....you guessed it!  Fuck-It..lets do it!  Damn those pictures were expensive!!!  We ended the night at a carnival we saw when we were driving home! So much fun, so much wasted money...but no tears!

This IVF attempt, I noticed I was more stressed out than normal.  More than any other time before.  You would think that after 4 IUIs and an IVF, this 6th time would be cake, but I wasn't!  I was a hot freaking mess! Before we even began the process, I was a wreck.  I think most of the stress came from knowing it wasn't our money, it was other peoples money.  I'm not used to that!  All the people that donated their hard earned money to us so that we could try one last time! What if it didn't work, would they be mad? Would I disappoint everyone? Would I let everyone down if my body failed us again? How could I look at anyone ever again if this didn't work?!? Needless to say, my blood pressure was through the roof!  The stress of letting everyone down was killing me inside.  I finally realized that I had to come to a place where I could just say Fuck-It again.  Not in the sense of not caring about this round or not trying my hardest to do everything right, but a non stressful-fuck it-it's out of my hands-kind of attitude.

Well I'm happy to report...I'm there! Fuck it!  :) Here we go! Knowing this is our last and final time has me now more at ease. I started birth control a month ago and finally finished that and I'm happy to report that the bitch inside of me when on those terrible pills stayed hidden away (well I think she did....you  might want to check in with Dave on the real answer!) I'm now doing my Lupron injections and no real side effects (yet) this round either.  Last time, I wanted to do EVERYTHING perfectly and by the book.  They told me to take the pill around the same time everyday, and I all but set a damn alarm to make sure it was swallowed at 7am on the dot every morning. Same thing with the injections.  This time...much more laid back and relaxed.  Today, Dave even gave me my shot while I was still in bed! HA! It's like breakfast in bed, just minus the food, and the flower, and the breakfast tray! Damn..I got gypped! I guess it really isn't like breakfast in bed after all! All I got was a shot in the gut! Oh well... I'm switching up some of the bandaids from last time.  Maybe I'll go back to the store and find some neon circles so I can create a polka-dot belly!

Last time it didn't work and I didn't everything "right". I even made sure I had a lapse in my blog posts so that I could announce my pregnancy in a kick ass way...remember how that worked out?!?  Yeah not that great! This time, I'm still playing by the rules, but maybe they're just a little bended this time around.  Fuck it....what can it hurt?!?  They say stress can be a big factor in not getting pregnant, but it's not like this process is a walk in the park with cute little unicorns running next to me the whole way.  It's a stressful thing to go through, so let's just try to make it as fun as possible!

So for this last and final round, I plan on keeping everyone up to date as much as possible and I'm asking for as many prayers as you can spare! I plan on having fun this round, so buckle up everyone because it's going to be a fun and crazy ride!  Fuck-It...right!

If You Can't Afford IVF, Then You Can't Afford a Baby...

Since we decided to try IVF one last time, I've had a lot of mixed emotions. The one comment that hits home the hardest is, "If you can't afford to do IVF on your own, then you can't afford a baby!"  This comment stings because I personally said it to Dave many many times. I understand why people think this, because I thought it too. In the past year, we have paid for 4 IUIs and an IVF along with all the doctor's appointments leading up to each procedure and the expensive medicines, shots and pills that go along with each one.  All of it out of pocket.  Nothing was covered by our insurance. There isn't a payment plan option.  All money is due upfront in one LARGE sum! Needless to say, we drained our savings and we are tapped out. We couldn't afford another IVF out of pocket, even if it was discounted because of the study I'm in.

My amazing friend, T, wanted to help by starting a fundraiser for us but she wouldn't do it without our approval.    I didn't want to do a fundraiser. Actually, I was against it. Call it pride, call it stubbornness, call it whatever you want. All I know is... I was against it.  I cried about it, I fought Dave on it, I prayed about it. Finally I started to come around...slowly! It took me awhile, but I finally agreed to swallow my pride and just do it.  The response was amazing!  I was blown away by the outpouring of love and support.  We raised over $600 in less than 24 hours! I had friends and family private message me, thanking me for doing this fundraiser. Wait...what?!?!  You're thanking ME?!?  No my friend...it's the other way around! People were thanking us because this was a way they felt like they could help us.  People didn't know what to say, what to do, how to help.  Reading time and time again about another failed procedure and yet another negative pregnancy test, this was a way they felt they could help.  Honestly, I never thought about it like that.  That really helped me accept the fact that we were actually doing this fundraiser.  I could hold my head high and not feel so ashamed and embarrassed.

I'm someone who will give to every charity.  I buy the girl scout cookies (that I don't eat) to help your daughter.  I support the children's hospital.  I give money for  research to find a cure for breast cancer and MS and colon cancer. I give to the wounded warrior project and toys for tots.  I support military causes and local fundraisers. I do it because I care.  I'm never looking for anything in return. Never! But now here I am asking for money.  This was hard.  Beyond hard.  Excruciating! It is easier for me to give money than it is to accept money from others. I cried at every single donation that came in...from the large donations to the single dollar donations! Every donation meant something to me and it didn't go unnoticed.  Every single dollar raised for our IVF was another indication that people believed in us, and loved us and truly wanted to help. Thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

But the question still comes up, and I don't blame people for wondering. If we can't afford another round of IVF, then how will we ever afford a baby.  Kids are expensive. I may not have any, but this I know. I'm not stupid or naive. I knew I had to come up with some kind of analogy for people. A way to explain why it was okay for us to do a fundraiser (maybe this was more for me and not others...). A way for people to hopefully understand all that we've been through, and a way to compare all the money we've already spent in a way they could understand.  If you've never been through this, it's hard to wrap your head around.  So here it goes...

Most people have gone to the car dealership and bought a new car before.  Let's pretend that you go to the dealership and you find the car you want.  It's a little expensive, but you really want it.  The dealer comes over to you and starts helping you make your dream car a reality. There's a catch though. In order for you to purchase this car, you can't finance it like you're used to.  You need to pay cash for it all up front. You think about it, and since there's no other way, you decide to save up and come back another time.  You finally saved enough money to pay for your car so you go back to the dealership.  You're getting ready to buy the car, but of course you want to test drive it to make sure it works.  Nope!  You can't test drive it..sorry!  No guarantees at this dealership! You'll get the keys two weeks after you pay for it in full.  So you pay your money...LOTS of money...wait your two weeks, go back to the dealership, get your keys and jump in your car.  You're so excited!  You turn the key and......oh so sorry, the key doesn't work.  Your car doesn't turn on.   You're pissed, hurt, upset.  You go to the dealer and demand your money back.  Sorry no refunds, and no guarantees. He asks you if you want another key?  If so, that will be another upfront payment! My question to you is this, would you try again?!?!  Pay more money upfront with no guarantee because you really REALLY want this car? Most of you would probably turn away with your middle finger in the air at the dealership.  You just 'wasted' thousands and thousands of dollars and have nothing to show for it. No car, no money.  Why would anyone do it again? We did though.  This is our 6th time trying. Now do you see why we're broke? I know it's not the same, but you have to admit, this is a pretty good analogy right!?? :)

Ok here's another one for all you parents out there with young children in daycare.  How many of you would be able to pay for a years worth of daycare all at once upfront?   Daycare around here is around $900/month.  So one years worth of daycare is "only" $10,800. You could do that right?  How about 3 years worth of daycare? A normal IVF is around $12,000 plus around $3000 for the medications.  That's more than one full year of daycare. Am I starting to put things in perspective now?

This past year we've tried everything to have a baby.  We are financially tapped out and can't try again without help.  Is this hard for me to admit..hell yeah! Are we one paycheck away from losing our house?  NO!  We're "broke" but we still pay all of our bills, we own our own home, we still can afford to have food on the table, but we do go without.  Both of us have cars over 10 years old.  We sacrifice  so we can try again to have a baby. We make trying to provide for a baby more important than the clothes we wear or the car we drive. (although I do need a new car soon...) Isn't that what parenting is all about?  We sacrifice so our future child can have the life they deserve.  So some may still judge, and that's okay.  I won't judge you for judging me. I'm finally at peace with our decision to accept help.

For all of you that have helped make this last try possible, how can I ever thank you?! Words will never describe my gratitude! Please keep sending those prayers up and out because here we go...one last time. Hopefully this time it will work!  Hopefully in about 10  months, we will become parents. Hopefully all of our dreams will finally come true. Hope is all I have left.

The Truth, The Whole Truth, and Nothing But The Truth...

When we first considered going down the IVF path, I knew from the very beginning that I was going to blog about it but not publish them right away.  I needed this time with just us. Time to get through the first trimester without hardly anyone knowing we were pregnant.  IVF was going to be our last resort, our way to become parents, the last step...the ONE that was going to work.  I knew I would want some time to take it all in, relish in my first ever positive pregnancy test and find a super kick-ass way to announce to the world that we were finally pregnant!

On April 28th, my estrogen finally dropped low enough to be accepted into the IVF study.  This meant that our IVF was "only" going to cost us $5,000 instead of the normal $12,500 (out of pocket-no payment plan-upfront and now, since our insurance company won't cover this...)We started a new round of injections that day and we were on our way to becoming pregnant! I was now on 2 different daily injections. On May 8th I did my last and final shot...the wonderful trigger shot! Two days later we went in for my egg retrieval. You can read all about it HERE.

Two days later on May 13th I took the day off of work and we went in for our transfer.  We had 2 amazing embryos waiting for us! One of them was so perfect, that all the doctors and nurses were literally jumping up and down waiting to see them on the big screen under the microscope.  The doctor had labeled one of them as a Grade 1 embryo (text book perfect!) and evidently, he only gives this rating out once every year to every other year! My doctor was beyond ecstatic! The transfer went well, and we went home and treated ourselves to spicy Chinese food (the nurses told us that spicy Chinese food was the trick to implantation!) You can read all about the transfer and see the pictures HERE.

My two wait weeks were going well.  I thought everyone at work would be able to tell from my face that I was carrying around my two perfect embryos.  Then it happened. 1:32am on Friday May 23rd I woke up bleeding.  I knew at that moment, I had lost them.  I started crying uncontrollably. Dave was lost and didn't know what to do.  What could he do?  He just held me as I was hyperventilating. I laid numb for hours crying and rocking back and forth in bed. Somehow I got up, and went to work knowing that it would be a 3-day weekend and all I had to do was make it through the day.  Once I got home, Dave ordered me to mandatory bed rest and we called my doctor.  The nurse said it didn't sound good, but it could just be break-through bleeding from where they implanted, but I knew better.  I knew deep down that I had lost them.  I stayed in bed for 2 days while Dave tried everything to bring me back to reality. I didn't want to move.  I didn't want to eat or sleep. I just wanted the pain to go away.  The pain of knowing that this was our last try and it didn't work.  I did everything they told me to do, but after 12 blood draws, 8 internal ultrasounds, 24 pills and 38 total shots and injections it still didn't work. It was confirmed  on Tuesday May 27th. I left work for an hour to run to the doctor.  I didn't want to look at anyone.  No one really knew what to say.  I had them take my blood, I peed in a cup, got the results and begged to leave. I didn't want to be there anymore.  I held it together until I got to the exit door.  A nice younger couple held the door for me, and I lost it.  I started crying uncontrollably all the way to my car.  I sat in my car for 40 minutes just crying.  Just trying to get it back together.  I headed back to work, eyes blood shot and red and completely numb. I don't know how I made it through the day. I knew I should have called in and just gone home, but then I would have been alone in my house with only my thoughts of this loss to keep me company.  At least at work, I was needed and had many huge projects to work on and keep me busy. I had to keep my mind off of this!

As I sit here trying to write down all of these feelings going on inside, tears are streaming down my face. I can't stop them. My chest feels like it's going to cave in any second as my heart is being ripped from my body. It literally feels like a 300lb man is standing on my chest. When I think about it, sharp pains rush through my chest and I feel my heart drop. The pain now is physical and not just mental. I grasp my chest thinking I'm having a heart attack, and in a way I guess I am.  My heart is being attacked by the pain of another failed attempt. I thought my first negative test 10 years ago was hard until I had my first failed IUI. That was unbearable. Now this. Nothing compares to this. Nothing compares to this failed IVF. The heartache is unbearable. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I cry every day. I go through the motions of trying to get through the work day, and in retrospect, work is saving me a little from completely losing it.

It's the end of the school year, and since I'm a specialist and not a classroom teacher anymore, I have been pulled from my buildings to work on district projects.  I'm super busy which helps keep my mind off of everything.  I've only lost it at work a couple of times (so far) and was lucky that no one saw. Everyone is so nice and when they look at me and say "Good Morning!" I don't think anyone has realized yet that my response is only "Morning" because no it's not good...it's horrible! It's another day without the hope that my 2 perfect embryos have found their home and made me a mommy. When some one kindly asks a simple question like "How are you?" or "How's everything going?" I put on a smile and respond like I should "Great..and you?" but inside I'm screaming "I'm dying a little bit each day....if you only knew?!?"

I don't know where we will go from here. The doctors and nurses told us we can try again, but I don't know if I can manage it again both emotionally and financially. In the past 11 months we have tried 4 months of IUI's and now an IVF round.  We are tapped. I'm broken. I'm lost. I'm done. I just don't know if I have it in me to do this again.  I don't know how some of my friends who have gone through this do it multiply times over and over.  They are the strongest women I know.  I just can't....








Today, Tuesday June 24th-
I actually slept through the night for the first time in over 4 weeks.  Things are starting to look up, and I find myself starting to feel hopeful again and thinking that maybe, just maybe, I can try one more time. In the past week, I have only cried 2 times which is a HUGE thing for me.  I am starting to laugh again, and am even meeting up with friends again.  I can see how something like this can ruin and break marriages.  I shut myself off from the whole world, including Dave, and went through the motions of life just trying to make it one more day.  Because of him, my wonderful and amazing husband, I am now starting to come back. He stood by me and waited. He tried to make me feel better without letting himself really grieve. He was my rock and my everything. I pushed him away wanting to be alone, be he wouldn't budge. He is my savior and the reason I smile. I love him more today than ever before.
For those that I snapped on in the past 4 weeks or ignored, I'm sorry.  I just needed to make it through the day. I'm not making excuses for my bad behavior, but this is the explanation for it...

The reason for this blog post is because when I posted the last one about the Lupron injections, so many people were sending us well wishes and prayers.  That post was published 2 days after my negative test results.  I couldn't take all the happy well wishes knowing that it was over and it didn't work.  I just wanted it to be over, but I was going to be forced into reliving it again because I was behind in my posts.  I couldn't do it. I had to create this post in order to sum it all up and get back into real time. Now we're all together on the same page in this crazy book called Life. I have to accept that this may be my reality.  I may never be a mom to human babies only my fur-babies.  I may never do IVF again, but if I do, then I will definitely blog about it in real time! I've learned my lesson!  What I do know, right here and right now though, is that I will be okay. It's been a very long and tortuous four weeks. I'm just glad that it's summer break, the sun is shinning, and I have a few good books to keep me company. Dave dug a hole, cemented a post and made a hammock for me so I could have a peaceful getaway in our own backyard! If you need me this summer, that's where you will find me!

Transfer Day!!!!!

OMG! OMG! OMG!
I can't believe the day is FINALLY here!  For all of my IUI's I was petrified the day of.  Retrieval day...scared shitless!  Now today, transfer day, I couldn't be more excited! This has GOT TO BE a great sign!

I woke up this morning ready to go!  Am I being optimistic? Yes! Am I over-excited? Yes! Am I setting myself up for another heartbreak?  Maybe...but eff it! I'm excited!!!

This is it!  This is the day where I just KNOW I'm going to get pregnant!  This is going to work!  I can feel it in my bones!  My appointment is at 9:30 this morning and time is just dragging!  I already have my outfit picked out like it's the first day of grade school! I have my special knee-high obnoxious socks ready....yes I'm THAT chick! I bought them just for today.  They are a simple white (unlike the socks I bought for retrieval day!) and down the side of them they say OMG!  They're perfect!  I knew those were the socks the moment I saw them.  I found them at the 4th store I went to and immediately picked them up and bought them!  Oh My Gosh...this is really happening!!!

Yesterday I found myself daydreaming off and on throughout the day knowing that it was my last day of not being pregnant.  10 years in the making and this was my last day! I bought a bottle of wine, knowing it was my last for awhile and went home happy and excited. I thought about the future and couldn't wait to get home and see Dave!

Now the day is here! This is the day! It is our time! The wait is over...except for the excruciating 2 week wait!  We've got this!

C'mon 9:30!!!!! They just called to rescheduled for 10:30....









Transfer Update.....
So we get there at 10:15...you know me, if I'm on time, I"m late!  Being late gets me all spun up (more than normal!) and sends me into a tizzy.  We didn't need that today.
So I get my blood drawn, I shown off my socks to everyone, and there's not a single soul in the whole clinic that can't feel my excitement.  I am LITERALLY skipping down the hall to get my blood drawn!

The transfer couldn't have gone better!  Of the two PERFECT embryos that we transferred, one of them was graded as a Grade 1...text book perfect!  He only gives this grade to a select few!  My doctor said she only sees this about once a year to once every other year!  YAY!!!!  My other perfect embryo was graded as a Grade 2.  Amazing!
Here they are! Grade 1 is on the top right, and Grade 2 is on the bottom left.  Double Trouble! HA!

Retrieval Day

Oh my gosh here it is!

We get there early and everything is set and ready to go. The nurses are beyond amazing and I have my bright colored socks on ready to rock and roll. My favorite color is green, but on the top they have pink and blue stripes...great luck right?!?

I get my IV in, Dave's there taking pictures and now we're ready! My anesthesiologist gives me my fun cocktail and it's so weird because I can feel the cold running through my veins. I start getting loopy and it's time to be rolled into the OR! It's time! My eggs are done cooking and now it's time to transfer them to the plate...or in this case, the Petri dish!

15-20 minutes later I'm back with Dave and starting to wake up. I have to lay there for an hour with this AMAZING heat pad that's made from an IV bag sitting on my stomach! Who would have thunk it?!?  A heating pad made from an IV bag... Best. Thing. Ever!

I'm now home laying in bed for the next 24 hours waiting to recover and hear the results. Ironically enough, we'll find out tomorrow on mothers Day how many of our eggs fertilized. This is yet another great sign for good things to come!

I asked Dave (who's waiting on me hand and foot) to go and grab something from the guest room for me. To his surprise, I had a basket of hand selected beers and a couple of cigars waiting for him on the bed with a personalized card! He deserved a surprise and reiteration of how much I love him and how much I appreciate how much he's put up with the past couple of months. Each beer was bought for the label (including the raging bitch beer..thanks Candace for that suggestion!!!!) He was beyond moved, and I'm so glad I was able to do something good for him instead being a crying hot mess!

So now I lay here watching TV and waiting for the results!!! In 3 days we will transfer the best looking 2 embryos! This is what we've been waiting and praying for!

Thank you everyone!!

xox

P.S. I'm only one hour into my 24 hour bed rest and I'm already bored and ready to get up and get started with my day.....yikes! I have way too much energy, but this will ALL be worth it in the end! :)

P.P.S. I just got the phone call about my results!  Today is Mother's Day and today is the day I found out the great news!  From the 12 mature follics I had on Thursday (5 really good ones, 4 good ones, 2 ok ones and 1 ehh one) they were able to retrieve 6 eggs! 2 of them did not fertilize and 4 of them did!  The 4 that fertilized, they all look really good the doctor said!  What great news for this hope-to-soon-be-mom on Mother's Day!

Getting Closer!!!

So is this really happening?!  Am I really doing this?

I started birth control and I'm now doing daily Lupron injections. All of this in order to get one step closer to being accepted into the study and on the road to IVF. The study requires my estrogen levels to be at or below 20.2  Day 3 labs in March said my levels were at 38. Day 3 labs in April they went up to 46.  I of course freaked out, but the nurse said that was normal and not to worry.  They started me on birth control to shut my system down and then I started the daily Lupron injections.

I had my blood work done this morning to check my levels.  Here goes nothing...

I got the call that afternoon and my estrogen dropped to 24.4!!  Wait...what?!?  They want to see me again tomorrow morning to check my levels again.

I'm going to puke....no seriously, I'm about to hurl all over the floor!

I've been going through the motions not thinking about the next step.  How could I think about the future when all the other times have only led to tears and disappointment.  So I get up in the morning, take my birth control pill and then Dave sticks me with a needle full of Lupron into my belly.  I've been doing this for 8 days now.  Get up, take my pill, get my shot, make my coffee.  Get up, take my pill, get my shot, make my coffee.  Get up, (stop taking the pill), get my shot ready,  stick myself in the belly, make my coffee.  Get up, inject my shot, get my coffee... it's Groundhogs Day over and over for 8 days now.  We don't talk about it. We don't really discuss it. We don't dream about what could be next.  We just get up, Dave gives me my shot, and I make my coffee.

Now there's light at the end of the tunnel.  Now there's a reason I've been taking the pill, getting my shot and drinking my coffee....I just may be getting a day closer to IVF!  So we also decided to start having fun with it.  If I need to do all of these injection every day, lets have a little fun! :)

Wowzers!

Sooooo remember my last post about how I was going to start taking the pill and I wasn't worried about the side effects because I was on the pill before and nothing happened and yadda yadda....

WRONG!!!  Someone please say a little prayer for Dave!  The poor man needs a break...from me, his wife! Send chocolate and wine for me, and please for the love of all things holy, please send Dave some beer and some cigars!  The man needs a break!  You know it's got to be bad around here if I'm recognizing that I'm a pain to live with!  Holy shit!  What do they put in these pills?!?  They are not the same birth control pills I took all those years ago!  These things must be laced with extra bitchiness and crazy! Holy Hell!

So we decided together that we were going to have a code word/phrase for when I starting getting all spun up.  You know...a word he could say to me when I started acting crazy and I could self reflect and get it together. A word or phrase I didn't think we would need....but thought maybe we should just in case!  A phrase that I agreed to! Yeah..so we have one!  He's used it several times already!!  And let me tell you this...I'm about to slam a sock down his throat if he uses it on me one more time because NOW that I'm  under the influence of birth control crazy pills, I HATE the phrase!

So what's the phrase you ask?  How bad could it be?!  BEFORE bcp (birth control pills) I thought the phrase was funny.  BEFORE bcp, I had a sense of humor! BEFORE bcp, I wasn't a raging bitch! Our code word/phrase is simple it's..."You're acting crazy!"

Simple right? To the point, you say! Funny even!  Yes....BEFORE bcp, all of those things are correct! NOW though...I want to punch him in his arm if I hear that phrase again! I swear, if he says it one more time, I think I might cry...oh wait I did!  And then I was pissed because I cried!

Holy hell...how much longer do I need to do this?!?!  3-4 more weeks!  Good God, please send Dave some relief...but don't leave me out because I might scream at you too if you don't include me!  HA!

This will all be worth it in the end is what I keep reminding Dave....I don't think he's buying it right now, but maybe that's because I'm still at the beginning stages of my crazy pills! *Cue evil laugh!*

Another Step Closer...

Ahhhhhhhhh good news alert!!!

We are another step closer to being accepted into the IVF study!!! I can't believe this!  After all the things that we've been through and all the things we have tried over the years, it finally seems like maybe...just maybe...this could be it! IVF here we come (hopefully!)

Now I know, I know, I shouldn't get my hopes up or do too much wishful thinking but I just can't help it! I want to jump up and down and shout it from the rooftops that we are another step closer!!!

Here's the thing though...they want me to start on birth control pills!  Wait...what?!?  You mean I need to take birth control pills in order to try and get pregnant?!?  I feel like I had an Arnold (from Diff'rent Strokes) moment.."Whatcha talkin' about Willis?!?" right there in the doctor's office! Let me get this straight....I'm trying to get pregnant and you want me to start taking birth control?!  Don't you know I want a refund on all the years I thought I had to take the pill in order to not get pregnant?!?  ummmm ok then! It made me think of all the times we couldn't have sex when we did our IUI's so we could get pregnant...which obviously didn't work!

So here goes nothing....I start "the pill" today in the hopes of getting pregnant! HA!  That sounds like a bad joke just writing it! But, whatever!  What do I have to lose!  I'll try anything right about now!

I talked to a couple of friends who went through IVF and were also on the pill as part of their protocol, and they all warned me about the huge side effects of mood swings and bitchiness (yes...more than my normal bitchiness! I can see my sisters commenting now as they read that last sentence!).  I'm not too worried though because I wasn't bad when I was on the pill 10+ years ago, so this should be nothing..... we shall see!

Wish us luck! I'm starting the pill...hoping to get pregnant..lol Yep, it's still funny saying that!









P.S. I created a page on the front of the blog about some fundraising I started.  You can read all about the details HERE. Don't worry...we're not asking for a handout (unless of course you want to just donate a dollar or two...we'll take it! :) HA!)
If you know of any teachers out there that can use some items for their classroom, then please send them to my stores! The money I make from these items is going towards our infertility treatments. :) Thanks!!!

Resolve to Know More...About Infertility

Blogging…

I’ve read blogs before. Both for personal reasons and work related, but I’ve never actually blogged before. Why would anyone want to read what I have to say? Who would read it? Why would they care? What would be so different about my story than from others? What would I have to blog about that hasn’t already been written? I’ve never talked about infertility to anyone besides my husband (and my awesome RESOLVE support group) and now I’m actually thinking about blogging about it!  What’s wrong with me?  How can I think about going from completely silent about our infertility to putting our struggles out on the web for anyone and everyone to see? All of these things went through my head over and over before I actually decided to do it…

For the most part writing about our years of struggles with infertility has been helpful for me, but come to find out it has also been helpful for others. I have heard stories from friends and family members about their struggles with infertility that I never knew about. Stories that they kept private for so many years.  Stories of their own struggles of loss and miracle conceptions.  Stories that were private and personal that they shared only with a few.

Then there are also those few that are offended by my blog. Comments about how they wished I wouldn't talk about it so much because it makes them uncomfortable or it makes them sad and they feel sorry for me. I’m sorry that you’re uncomfortable, but imagine me trying to get pregnant with doctors and nurses all in the room while I’m in stirrups...then we can talk about who’s uncomfortable! I'm not here to offend you, but I'm also not going to keep quiet about my journey and struggles because it makes you uncomfortable.   It took me almost ten years to talk about it publicly and I’m not about to stop now!  I'm on this infertility roller coaster, and I’m already strapped in. Trust me, I want to get off but unfortunately I can’t, so hold on tight because it’s about to be a bumpy ride!   You’re lucky because you have options: 1. Get on and buckle up or 2. Jump off!  At least you have a choice!

I decided the moment I hit the 'Publish' button on January 1, 2014 that I was going to be a voice and a face for infertility.  I want to educate people. I want to stand up for what is right and be that annoying buzz in the insurance company’s ear...you know the ones that don't have mandatory coverage for infertility treatments in most states. Don't even get me started on that one! I read all of my insurance company's documents and I actually called my insurance company and double checked to make sure they wouldn't cover anything...nope, not a single piece of our journey is covered by insurance.  Unfortunately I was correct.  I have insurance and I can't even use it! They don't cover the transfer, the medicine, the ultrasounds, the hydrosonograms, or the injections. But you want to know what they do cover...they would cover my rehab if I decided to VOLUNTARILY take a needle full of heroin and inject it into my body! If I made the choice to start injecting illegal drugs into my body, they would cover that! I did not make the choice to have fertility problems.  I did not make the choice to make it so difficult to have a baby. I did not make the choice to have it nearly impossible to create another human life. Infertility injections full of medicine that could help me get pregnant are considered elective and they DO NOT cover those injections! One needle is full of disgusting drugs that will kill you, and the other needle is full of an 'elective' medicine to help your body conceive a miracle baby. One of these needles will lead to death, and one of them to life.  One of these needles was injected by choice, and one was injected by necessity. One is covered by insurance, and one is not. I just don't understand, and I never will!

So, I'm sorry if I'm offending you in some way or making you uncomfortable, but no I'm not going to stop typing my thoughts or talking about it. I always thought we were alone in our journey, but unfortunately there’s a lot of us….too many of us!  If I can help just ONE couple not feel so alone, then I did something positive in the infertility world! Did you know that 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility?  How many of those couples do not seek treatment because of the out of pocket cost? How many couples can only endure one or two treatments because of the ever rising expense?  How many couples go to different states looking for infertility treatment because the laws are different in that state? The numbers are shocking! 

I don’t expect you to stand next to me marching at the next infertility awareness parade, but I would love for you to listen and read what we’re going through.  Maybe our story can help someone you know.  Maybe our story will help one of your family members silently going through the same thing.

I thank God that you don’t understand or know firsthand what it’s like to go through infertility. I thank God that you don’t understand what it’s like to chart, test, wait, agonize, and hope only to be disappointed time and time again year after year.  I thank God that you don’t know what it’s like to lay on your bathroom floor in a puddle of your tears after the thousandth negative pregnancy test. I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to be poked and prodded and then have all of your intimate insides put on display on a TV screen for doctors and nurses to talk about as if you weren’t in the same room naked and mortified.  I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to scream ‘Why Me?’ one hundred times over. I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to plea, cry out, and have your faith questioned only to turn around to feel guilty for ever having those thoughts enter your mind. I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to try and create a baby with you, your husband, a doctor, a couple of nurses and an intern all in the same room. I thank God that you don’t know what it’s like to feel the financial burden of trying to create a family in just the hope that it works this round. I thank God that you don’t know what it’s like to lie to your friends and family because it’s just easier to lie about ‘not wanting to have kids’ than it is to admit that you’ve been trying for 10 years with no results.  I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to have hope that maybe…just maybe this IUI or IVF round was ‘the one!’ only to find out yet again it wasn’t.  I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to have a constant pit in your stomach or physically feel the ache in your heart before you test again only to confirm what you already knew.  I thank God you don’t know…

These are the reasons I’m grateful for my voice!  It may have taken me awhile to use it for infertility, but now that I have, I will not back down or stop.  I can’t promise you that my story will end with my miracle baby, but I can promise you this…I won’t stop being a voice and I refuse to give up hope! I resolve to know more…do you?

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

A Single Dandelion

I was co-teaching in a first grade classroom the other day and we had the students take the iPads outside to take pictures of evergreen and deciduous trees.  Instead of having them just draw a picture of the tree and labeling it on a piece of paper, they were going to create a digital story using the pictures they take with the iPad camera and then record their voices talking about each picture!  Demonstrating comprehension in a fun and an engaging way... this is why I LOVE TEACHING!!!

Anyway, a little boy came up to me when we were outside and hands me a dandelion. Now, to you and me a dandelion is just a yellow weed growing in the lawn, but to this little boy it was a beautiful yellow flower!  He hands it to me and says, "This beautiful flower is for you Mrs. Taxson!  I love you!"  Let's all say it together now....awwwwww!  Yeah...he really said that!  I of course responded with, "Thanks buttercup! I love you too!"  Now this prompted another little 6-year-old to hand me a dandelion, and then another and then another.  We obviously got a bit sidetracked in our lesson and before I knew it a little girl shouted, "Look how much we love Mrs. Taxson!  The flowers keep falling out of her hand!"  I looked down and sure enough my "flowers" were overflowing right out of my hand!

This got me thinking.  Some of us see what we have as weeds, and others see them as flowers.  It's all about perspective.  I was in a pretty good mood even before working with this class, but my heart was so full and my smile so big by the time I left. Who would have thought that a single dandelion...a weed...would have made my day brighter and better!

Some days when you get yet another failed pregnancy test or go through another failed infertility treatment, it's really hard to look at the world with rose colored glasses or see the yellow 'flowers' in the grass. My bouquet of 'flowers' came at the perfect time as I wait and wait to see if I get into my infertility clinic's IVF study. Sometimes the waiting can be the worst.  We wait during our 2 wait weeks, we wait for our cycle to start so we can start yet another treatment hoping that this one will work, we wait the 3-5 minutes for the pregnancy test results, we wait for our baby to be conceived...we get used to waiting.

Today though the sunlight was shining strong, and my agonizing waiting perspective changed...even if for just a brief moment. As I held my yellow flowers, I remembered the times I picked 'flowers' for my mom and how she would always put them in vases around the house. Then I imagined my 'child' picking flowers for me. I thought about all the things I would teach my child about life and love and perspective.  I thought about all the good that was still in the world and how to never give up on our hopes and dreams.  It was like a fast movie playing in my head...you know the scene that happens right as the person is falling to their death (ok bad analogy...but you get the point!) I thought all of these things in that brief moment as I looked down at my hand and saw it over-pouring with love from all the these wonderful 6-year-olds. How can you have a bad day after that?  You can't! :)

I never thought a single dandelion could change my life, but it did! So here's to all the dandelions in the world! May you see them as beautiful yellow flowers like a 6-year-old does and not an ugly weed like most adults do!