Hope Award for Best Blog (Grateful...and Confused)

I'm still in awe and shock! I was just nominated for Resolve's Hope Award for Best Blog.  Me!  Yeah...me!  You can't believe it either can you?!?  I know I can't!

I know a few people read this blog, but I don't have the following like a lot of my blogger friends do. I say the "f" word in my blogs...a lot!  I don't write in a 'professional' manner but more-so from my heart like a diary or a journal. A way to blow off steam about my angry uterus, while trying to help even just one person going through the same thing. This is just blowing my mind!

I used to always make fun of the celebrities in Hollywood who were nominated for an Oscar or an Emmy who stated, "It's just an honor to be nominated" I would laugh at them while calling the bullshit card!  Who wants to be just nominated?!? You want to win! Maybe it's the competitive nature in me, but I always thought that statement was BS.....until yesterday. Until I was nominated for an award..this award!

I know I'm not going to win.  I know my blog isn't on the same level as the others who entered.  Hell....I wrote the blog after a four month hiatus because I was so sad and lost after my 2nd IVF loss after the 4 prior IUI losses. I also wrote it on the last day they were accepting admissions.  The only reason I entered the blog post was because I felt so strongly about the topic.  It meant a lot to me, and I knew I needed to start blogging again.

I can honestly say, it is TRULY an honor just to be nominated.  I have no words...none!  And for those of you that know me in 'real' life know....that is a hard thing to come by! :)

For those of you that read this blog, and have voted for me...THANK YOU!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for thinking so much of this little blog to vote for it.  I'm completely honored and humbled by your comments and support!

Love you all!
xoxo

http://www.resolve.org/vote

What Would You Do?

I was shopping at one of our local discount warehouse stores today, you know the one.....the kind of store where you can get 1,000 rolls of toilet paper for $10 or a 7-pound bag of potatoes for $3, yeah that's the store.

Anyway, as I was going through one of the aisles I notice a little boy, maybe 6 or 7,  sitting on the ground playing with a handheld game. No one is around him. No adults, no other children, no one! He was the only one in the aisle. I couldn't leave him, even though I didn't need anything down that row. I also notice that at the end of the aisle, was the huge emergency exit door.  Now before you start thinking I was planning my great escape, just know that I'm desperate to have a baby but not THAT desperate! I'm crazy and all, but not Lifetime Movie crazy! :)

Time is slowly passing and still no sign of a parent or any other adult looking for this little boy.  He must of thought I was crazy because I just stood there with my cart staring at the same box of crackers so I could keep my eye on him. I finally spoke to him, without coming off as the 'creepy stranger woman'. I asked him where his parents were and he told me they took his brother to the bathroom and that he should wait there.

It then dawned on me, that this couldn't be real and I MUST be on the ABC show, "What Would You Do!"  You know the one with John Quinones where they test normal people in strange situations.  This was it!  Of course I get excited, because I know I did the right thing by not leaving him alone.  I looked down and realize I look like a hot ass mess in my messy ponytail/bun thing, capris, flipflops, and no makeup, but I was also happy that I had  on my Michigan t-shirt! If I was going to be on TV, at least I had on one of my Michigan shirts to represent my mitten state that I miss so dearly! Priorities, people...priorities! :) I quickly put on some lipgloss so that I wouldn't look completely homely on camera. I wait and I wait.....where's John?  How long does it take for him to come out from his hiding place? People come and go, and it's been 15 minutes now.  No John Quinones, and still no parents.  Maybe this is real...maybe there is no TV show.

Now I'm fuming!  If this shit is real, where are these parents?!? Do I take him up to customer service or does that look like I'm trying to kidnap him?  Do I hope another adult comes down the aisle so I can ask them to go and get help so I don't leave him alone right next to an exit door?  What the hell do I do? This is exactly why this must be the TV show!

Next thing I know, a couple comes down the aisle and so does a man who speaks to the little boy.  The little boy gets up and starts walking towards him.   I wasn't going to say anything, but I couldn't NOT say anything either!  "Are you this boys father?!"  "Where have you been!"  "You can't just leave a little boy like that alone  especially right next to an exit sign!  What's wrong with you!!!" He apologized and I lost it even more! I snapped! "You should be sorry!  Anyone could have taken him and left out that door!  What's wrong with you?!?" I couldn't stop.  I laid into him, and now I have an audience.  I didn't care. What is wrong with people?  I turned to the couple watching me and asked them if I was in the wrong.  They thought the little boy was mine.  The father kept apologizing and finally I just walked away....with a few more choice words directed at the 'father'

I looked up, rolled my eyes and laughed! "So THEY can have children and I can't...funny!  Very funny!" Of course, I later apologized to God for rolling my eyes at him and being a sassy brat...but c'mon really!  What the fuck!

So the moral of this story I guess is....never go out grocery shopping at the warehouse store without looking half way decent because you may (or may not) be on a hidden camera TV show.  And if you're not, and go bat shit crazy on a parent for their bad parenting, it will help your case of not looking so psychotic if you don't look like a homeless crazy woman! :)

So what would you have done?

A Year Later

As I sit here and reflect on what could have been, what should have been, and what is, I'm brought to nothing but tears. A year ago today is when we got the official news that our 1st IVF failed. Of course I knew in my heart four days before that it failed, but a year ago today was the official beta bloodwork and the devastating look in everyone's eyes as they told me what I already knew. My two perfect, wanted, and loved embryos were gone.

A lot has happened in a year. A year ago, I didn't think I would make it. I didn't think I would ever be able to laugh again, much less try again...but I did, and we did. As you already know though if you follow this blog, IVF #2 didn't work either.

A year ago today, I was lost and felt hopeless. A year ago, I wanted to crawl up into a ball and melt into my blankets. A year ago, I didn't want to think about anything or anyone...much less myself. Like I said, a lot has happened in a year. Today, I laugh a lot, smile a lot, and cry a little less. I think about them and what could have been, knowing that if it did work, I would be holding two amazing little humans in my arms today instead of thinking about what could have been.

No, I'm sure it's not healthy to think about the past, mourn what could have been, or even long for what never was, but I can't help it. Not today. Today I will take time to grieve, to remember and to mourn our loss. 

Today I am sad. Today I grieve. Today will not last forever.

Tomorrow, I will smile again, laugh again, and even think about trying again, but today is not tomorrow.

Today I am lost.
Today I mourn my two perfect embryos that never came to be.
Today I grieve.
Today I am heartbroken.

You Are Not Alone...and Neither am I!

For 9 years we were suffering with infertility silently.  We didn't talk about it with anyone! No one! Not our friends, not our family and a lot of the times, not even with each other.  It was like if we didn't talk about it and acknowledge it then it wasn't real.  Maybe next month it would happen...but 'next month' never happened. Then we started going to an infertility doctor and we were still silent.  I didn't even look at anyone in the eye in the waiting room...even though they were there for the exact same reason.  I was ashamed, and still felt alone.

Then a miracle happened (no...not THAT miracle), I was introduced to a Resolve support group by a dear friend who was going through infertility too.  I went to my first meeting and it was miraculous.  I knew deep down I wasn't alone, but now I was in the same room with other women who were sharing their stories and I truly knew I wasn't alone.  Everything changed!  And then it happened...6 months later I told everyone in a big way!  This blog!  Yes!  Go big or go home right?!? My coming out story was on January 1st, 2014 and I never looked back.  It was a release, a way of sharing with others, a way to make others feel not so alone.  Since my first Resolve support group meeting until now, a little over a year later, we have gone through 4 failed IUI's and 2 failed IVF's. I felt defeated!

I thought about giving up blogging.  What was the point?  What else did I have to share and say? I feel like I'm stuck in a place where I'm not sure which road to take. The fork in the road so to speak...one leading to a childless life, and one leading to possibly having children but knowing that it may take another 10 years of trying, more treatments, more shots, more ultrasounds, more 2-week waits, more disappointment, more tears and more heartache.  Which path do I take?  Which road do I go down?  When will I decide?  The answer is...I have no idea!


I needed some time to think, some time to find the answer and last weekend was so beautiful outside!  Dave was gone and I wanted to soak up as much of the sun as I could, so I decided to weed the garden we made last year and plant a few tomato plants and some lettuce...the other veggies would just have to wait.  I was done weeding, and churning around the soil and decided to drag the 70 lb bags of soil from the side of the house into the backyard to where the garden was because I didn't want to wait for him to get home. I was so excited to grow something! So I planted the few tomato plants I had and the various varieties of lettuce I just bought and started the sprinkler to make sure everything would have the perfect environment to grow.

It was then that I looked around the backyard and it hit me like a ton of bricks!  My heart sank into my stomach and I couldn't move. We built that garden last year during our first try at IVF. We thought it was going to work.  It was supposed to work, but it didn't.  Neither did the next IVF.   I stood there in the middle of my backyard staring at my garden crying uncontrollably. I can grown lettuce and tomatoes and cucumbers the size of my arm, but I can't grow a baby in my belly (even with the help of multiple infertility doctors).  Why?  What was wrong with me?  I was a mess...literally and figuratively! The pain of our multiples losses hit me all over again like it was yesterday.  Am I going to resent my tomatoes now because they can reproduce and I can't?

Luckily, I was able to turn to another infertile friend about this and it made me remember that I wasn't alone.  I was alone for SO many years and now I wasn't!  So many years I was quiet and maybe in denial.  For so many years I didn't reach out and didn't have support besides my husband. Talking about our infertility released such a calm over me.  A weight was finally lifted that I had never felt in the 9 years that we struggled alone!  Even when it felt like we were alone, we were never really alone...and neither are you!  1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility and I am one of those 8! I am not ashamed to reach out to my amazing support group when I need them.  If you feel like you are alone in this, please reach out and find a support group in your area by visiting the Resolve site HERE.  You are NOT alone!

People say I'm strong for writing this blog and for talking about something so personal.  Honestly, I'm only strong because I have the love and support of many other women going through the same thing.  I am not alone anymore and I am stronger now than I ever imagined I could be.  I am forever thankful to my support group and the amazing friends I have found through this heartbreaking journey.

You are NOT alone!

Another Childless Christmas

I love Christmas!  I love everything about it! The decorations, the kindness, the giving, the presents (both buying them and getting them!) the music... Oh the music!  I'm one of those cheeseballs that you can't stand that starts listening to Christmas music as soon as possible.  I just LOVE when the local radio station starts playing it 24 hours a day. I'm in Christmas music heaven!  I warned you...I'm that person!  I sing along at the top of my lungs in my car, even though I can't hit a single note! I pity the poor drivers next to me at stop lights that had to endure the torture of my singing through closed windows. Did you see the Big Bang Theory episode of Bernadette singing in the car....yeah that's me!
(for those of you reading this on a mobile device and can't see the video that's embedded below, you can view the clip that I'm referring to here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAZEIwD3TNA )

For a lot of couples going through infertility, Christmas can be a hard time.  It's another sad reminder that it is just the two of them and still no children.  Only two stockings and not three. No children to watch open presents.  No Santa Clause. The constant reminder from family that you don't have kids.  They don't mean it, but it's there.  You are the ones that have to travel because, let's face it, it's easier for you to travel without kids than it is for family members with kids to travel to you.  So you have to shell out hundreds and hundreds of dollars to travel in state or out of state to go spend time with the ones you love because you don't have kids.  I 'd like to think they don't think of it that way and it never crosses their mind, but you do.

Honestly though, I've never had these feelings.  I've always loved Christmas and the holidays and everything about it.  I loved being with family, and watching my nieces and nephew open their presents and talk about how Santa came to visit them.  I could never relate to my friends going through this, even though we were still childless at Christmas. I didn't understand what they were going through. I could sympathize and be there for them, but I couldn't relate....until this year.  This year was the first time ever where I felt broken. I cried...a lot! 

The Christmas season started out great! I went to the mall to go shopping. I stopped at a few stores, had a few bags in my hand and went on to the next stop. I passed the center court where Santa was and looked over with a smile.  I saw Santa bend down to hug a little girl who was probably about 2 and I lost it.  Right there in the middle of the mall!  I gasped! Tears started streaming down my face. My chest felt like it was about to cave in.  The grief struck and I couldn't stop it.  I looked like a freaking lunatic!  I literally ran into a man as I rushed out of the mall as fast as I could gasping for breath and trying to see through my streaming tears. I was sure a security guard would try to stop me on my way out thinking I just stole something! Come to find out, this was only going to be the first of many incidents this Christmas season...

I was singing like Bernadette (Big Bang Theory) at the top of my lungs in my car on the way to work one Monday like I have every other work day morning. A song came on, I was singing, and the verse I sang said something about 'my sweet baby'. I don't remember any other words after that. It hit me out of no where like a ton of bricks. I  lost it.  I lost my breath, I lost all self control, I couldn't stop the tears. I tried to control myself so that I wouldn't swerve off the road. I could barely see through my tears. I couldn't catch my breath. The realization of  everything that we went through this year hit me again. The 9 years where we tried naturally didn't affect me like this.  It hurt, but it never stopped my Christmas spirit. Last year when we did 4 IUI's, that one was hard, but we always knew deep down that it would work as long as we did IVF. This year, after 2 failed IVF cycles back to back it broke me. IVF was supposed to be our end all.  It was supposed to work. It was supposed to be our answer.  It was supposed to be our miracle.  It wasn't.  It didn't work.  I couldn't keep my 3 perfect embryos. My womb is empty again and so is my heart. So this year we decided that we were going to do something for Christmas that we've never done before.  We stayed home!  We stayed home alone.  No traveling, no family, no children.  This was the first time EVER in the 13 years we've been together that we woke up in our own bed on Christmas Day.  Just the two of us. I needed that. I was able to FaceTime with my family and watch them open their presents, and it was AMAZING!  I got the best of both worlds this year.  I got to be in my house with my husband alone on Christmas morning, and I also got to feel like I was with my family many many miles away. I also got to cry in private when I thought I burned our Christmas dinner....yeah that really happened.  

It dawned on me though, with the new year quickly approaching, that I need a change.  I need to get out of this funk.  I've had my time to grieve for my 3 embryos that never made it past day 10. I cried enough tears these past three months to flood the world twice over.  I need a change. I don't know yet what that change will be or how to do it, but I need a change.  I don't know if we will try IVF again for a third and final time in the new year or just decide to live a childless life.  What I do know though, is that I love my husband and the patience he has with me. I love my family. I love my friends. I love being happy. 

I saw this post on Pinterest a little while ago and pinned it to my Infertility Pinterest Board. I saw it again and it was the push I needed to make a change.  Dave and I are already a family! We have each other.  Yes, we would love to add to our family, but none the less, we are a family and I love my little family!

So here's to a New Year, a new attitude, less tears and more smiles!

And The Test Results Are In...

I knew it was negative again before I even stepped foot in the doctor's office Friday morning.  I had already taken several home pregnancy tests and started bleeding again on day 10.  I just can't seem to get past day 10! Because of protocol, I still had to go into the doctor's office to make it official. What a punch in the gut!  I had already called them crying asking if I could change my appointment day to Saturday so that I wouldn't have to take another day off of work, knowing that this was just a procedural visit.  Take my blood, get my test results and make sure I'm feeling ok (physically, not mentally) but they couldn't do it.  Couldn't or wouldn't...either way I still had to go in. While I was there, I snapped at the nurse twice and had to apologize quickly.  I'm not mad at her, it's not her fault, I'm just mad. Mad at the process, mad at infertility, mad at the world, mad at my body.  Just mad!

My last failed IVF in May sent me into a deep, dark depression.  One that I've never experienced before in my life. One that scared both me and Dave. One that I never want to revisit. This failed round has left me broken, and numb.  I'm sad and hurt, but I'm so so angry!  I want to punch something. I want to fix it.  I want to change the way this study works. I just want to scream!!!

After 10 years of trying, 4 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, we have 3 choices now.  Three hard choices:

1. Stay in the study and give it one more chance for another $5,000. Doing this will not change the outcome. I think something is wrong with this protocol for my body. The same results happened on the same day both times!  My gut tells me we need to change something, but because of 'the study' you can't change anything.
2. Save every penny and do a 'normal' IVF customized for me for $15,000. I would just need to win the lottery and then talk to my doctor and ask him what he would change in my protocol if I wasn't in the study.  
3. Move on (not give up!) and live a childless life knowing in our hearts we tried everything we could to have a baby.

Three choices. These are the only three possibilities for us so please don't come up to me and tell me I should/could 'just adopt', or find a surrogate, or let it be God's will!  These three statements send me over the edge.  Especially right now and how angry I am.  Telling me to just adopt is ridiculous.  This is not the 1960s with children in orphanages waiting for you to stop by and take one home.  Adoption is now such a political and money-making venture it takes years and tens of thousands of dollars to adopt.  Yes I know there are other ways, we have researched a lot of them and know our options.  If you've never adopted in the past 10 years, then please keep this comment to yourself.

Use a surrogate.  I know people personally who have used a surrogate to have their baby and each time it was because they had to have a hysterectomy.  This comment hurts me a lot! Without you thinking about what you're saying, this comment says this to me, "Your body is broken, just use someone else's!" I know something is wrong...obviously, but you saying this to me is like a knife in my heart.  Not to mention that it costs more to use a surrogate (on average) than 3 full cost rounds of IVF!  There's a lot more in to it than most people think.

It's God's will.   Ok, this comment makes me want to cut a bitch!  No seriously..it does!  Don't get me wrong.  I know, believe and understand that God has a plan.  I know this in my heart of hearts.  This is different (to me) than it being God's will.  By you saying this is God's will, this is what I hear,"God hates you but loves the crack head mother that has 14 children by 14 different men." "God is mad at you, but will bless the atheist who doesn't believe in you with twins" So it's God's will to punish me by not giving me children, but He will give children to abusive, murdering parents, or 14 year old girls?!?  Do you see how messed up that statement is?!?  No, I don't believe this is God's will!  Don't say that to me!  Yes, this is God's plan and I may not understand it, but it is NOT His will.  He hears my cries, He hears me pray and beg and plead with Him. He sees the rushing tears coming out of my eyes.  No! This is not His will.  His plan maybe, but not His will!

I don't know where we will go from here and I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that one day I will be strong enough again to move on. One day...

1 Week Down!

It has officially been one week since we transferred LO (Lucky One).  Unlike what a lot of people think (and keep asking), no I don't know if I'm pregnant yet. The dreaded 2 wait weeks are in full swing. What you don't know if you've never done this before is, after your IUI or IVF you have to wait 2 weeks before you know if you're pregnant or not.   Two weeks doesn't seem long in the whole scheme of things, but TRUST ME, two weeks drag on forever when all you want to know is "did it work?"  We of course call these two weeks the dreaded 2 week mind fuck! Yep!  You have to pretend like you're pregnant the whole time, while not actually knowing if you are or not....and it doesn't help that the amount of progesterone you are injecting into your body daily actually gives you pregnancy symptoms.  I'm used to these symptoms now and don't think too much into it...but still a mind fuck! The last 5 rounds ended in disappointment so I'm really hoping this 6th time is the charm..the Lucky ONE!


The transfer itself went well, and I even had my favorite doctor this time! I also got him to chuckle under his mask when I unveiled my lucky transfer socks I bought just for the occasion...wonder woman (with capes!). It was great! We got to see LO on the big screen before the transfer and Dave was in the room the whole time taking pictures and squeezing my hand when I needed him.  Here are some of the pictures from the big day. Don't worry, I'll spare you the ones with me in the stirrups..what was he thinking?!?!

After the transfer you are wheeled out to your "room" to wait for another hour.  This should be a relaxing time, right?!?  WRONG!  Here's the part that no one tells you...  Before your transfer you have to sip on water while you're in bed waiting for your turn because they want your bladder full during the ultrasound.  I learned the hard way last time, to sip on water and then guzzle it at the very last moment possible, because you want a full bladder but not a FULL bladder. When you're in the operating room getting ready for the transfer, you get the good ultrasound...the belly goop kind!  During this time, the nurse is pushing on your full bladder so the doctor can clearly see your uterus. The transfer happens (with the nurse pushing on your bladder the whole time ) and then it's over.  You probably think this is the time I get to get up and go to the bathroom right....WRONG! Nope, you get to stay in bed for an hour!  An hour!!  Now picture this, you just had one of the happiest most hopeful and joyous moments just occur and now you get to sit and think about anything else except wetting the bed.  The nurse comes in and offer you a bed pan, but there was no way in hell I was going to use a bed pan unless I absolutely needed to!  I was going to do everything in my power to hold in the pee..and LO! The minutes tick by and there is nothing more I want to do except pee.  Nothing else on my mind except getting out of that bed and running to the bathroom. The nurse comes back through my curtain door again to check in on me and all I can think about is tackling her to the ground to make it to the bathroom.  She asks me how I'm doing, and I grit my teeth, smile and ask how much longer.  She tells me only 45 more minutes!  Wait..what?!? You're telling me only 15 minutes have passed?!?  I didn't think I was going to make it, but somehow I did!  Sorry to disappoint you!  I'm sure some of you were hoping for some crazy ending to this story about how I peed the bed! Nope! :)

So now I wait again.
I wait for these two weeks to end.
I wait for my test results.
I wait for my prayers to be answered.
I wait for what might be the end.
I wait for what might be the beginning

I just wait...