Thankful for my Infertility

Yes, you read the title correctly. I AM thankful for my infertility.  Now before you start throwing viral middle fingers and screaming obscenities at me, just hear me out.

Would I wish this on my worst enemy, no. I would not wish infertility, loss, or anything surrounding infertility on anyone, but the fact is my husband and I suffer from it and will live with it everyday. If you read our story from the beginning then you know that we unfortunately suffered in silence for almost 9 years.  We didn't tell anyone and we dodged all the questions about when we were going to start a family while we cried alone behind closed doors. You also know that all of the treatments that we finally did do, never worked. The praying never worked. The IUIs never worked. The IVFs never worked. The pleading and crying, begging and negotiating never worked.  So one would think after all that, and everything we went through I would be bitter, angry and annoyed at everyone and everything. Sure I have my moments, I'm not going to lie, but not today.  Today I'm grateful.

Nine years after we started trying to expand our family (see what I said there...I said EXPAND, not start. Dave and I became a family when we got married.  Most people forget about that detail. He is my family and I am his. We wanted to expand our family, not start one!) I found a local Resolve support group by accident. A friend and fellow teacher told me about it and I went.  That day changed my life, more than I thought it ever would.

Because of my infertility and that group, I did things I never thought I could...or would.  I opened up. I talked about our infertility, our struggles and my fears on using fertility medicine and my hesitation. I finally didn't feel alone. I became part of a group that KNEW what I was going through, they didn't just pretend or empathize. They got it. Unfortunately, they knew all too well exactly what we were going through, because they were going through it too.

Because of my infertility, I met some of the greatest, kindest and most giving people in the whole world. These people are not only some of my dearest and closest friends to this day, but they ARE family. I celebrate the births of their babies with them and I hold their hands when yet another fertility treatments robs them of expanding their family. We laugh together. We cry together. We vacation and travel together. We talk, we text, we message, and we check in with each other. We are there for each other and I am so grateful for them and having them in my life.

Because of my infertility I was introduced to essential oils and how to detox my home and my life. I can now take control of my health, my family, my home and not let it control me. I am healthier now than I was 20 years ago and before the infertility treatments wrecked complete havoc on my body and soul. My skin is practically flawless (yes, I'm bragging because being over 40 means more lines and creases and I'm loving how my skin looks right now).

Because of my infertility I am more patient. Fertility treatments mean waiting....LOTS of waiting. Waiting the two weeks after your procedure to see if there are two lines. Waiting for the next injection. Waiting for the next meeting. Waiting for the all clear from your doctor to try again. Waiting to have sex (yes, sometimes you have to abstain from sex to have a baby...at least in the infertility world you do!). Waiting to build up your bank account so you can try again. Lots, and lots of waiting.

Because of my infertility I am a better person. I think I would have made a better mom too if I was fortunate enough to get pregnant and carry the baby full term. I look at life differently now. I don't judge as much and try not to give advice "what I would do if..." I'm just different.

It's taken me a long time and lots of struggles to get here, but I can honestly say I am here and living my best life. I may not have the life I planned or hoped for, but I really do have a great life. This Thanksgiving, I hope that each of you reading this can take a moment and be thankful for something good in your life.  Share that love with someone else and pay it forward. Be a shoulder to cry on for someone in the depths of despair or in the midst of yet another infertility treatment. Be an ear for someone who just needs to vent without judgment. Be thankful for your family and your extended family. Be thankful for your friends that get you and understand you. Be thankful for the roof over your head or the meal that you are about to eat. Just be thankful for something....even if it's something as strange as what infertility has brought to your life and the people you met because of it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone!!!

Hi! Remember Me?

Hey friends! Remember me....the smartass blogger who writes about the ins and outs of my uterus and infertility journey with a funny twist. Wow, it's been longer than I thought.  A lot longer!  I thought my last post was a few months ago, maybe even a year, but to see that it's been two whole years is kind of shocking, and embarrassing! Cue the face palm emoji.

I used to love blogging.  I still do.  I miss it greatly. But here's the thing, I wasn't quite sure what to write about now that our journey with trying to conceive is over. I'm happy with our decision, and I felt guilty for that. I feel like I'm the constant reminder to people still going through infertility treatments that they don't always work, and people don't want to think about that.  No matter how much you pray, spend money, try, wish and bargain with God, sometimes they just don't work, and that’s shitty.  I'm that black cloud in people's dreams.  I'm the one that wanted it SO badly, but now is living a childless life.  I'm the one that tried for 13 years before changing paths.  I'm the one where the injections, the IUIs and the IVFs didn't work. People don't want to be reminded that no matter how desperately you want a baby, sometimes it doesn't work out the way you hoped or planned.  For this reason, I have backed away from helping with our monthly Resolve support group meetings.  I want people, especially the new people, to have hope. I want them to be excited in this shit show of circumstances they were forced to accept and I don't feel I'm the right person for that at this moment in time. I've been through a lot and have suffered a lot, and I want them to still have hope. I don’t want them to hear about everything we endured and have nothing to show for it.

Here's the thing though.  I don't regret it. Not one treatment, not one second spent trying, not the tens of thousands of dollars spent out of our own pockets, not the millions of tears, nothing.  I still think I'm one of the lucky ones.  Yep, you read that correctly.  I'm super lucky.  You know why....because we got to try! Do you know how many of my friends are sitting in limbo because they can't afford to even try?  It's heartbreaking.  We got to try.  We got to try a lot.  In total, we tried nine IUI treatments and twice with IVF...without insurance coverage (don't even get me started on this subject! Grrrrr)! I'm lucky for getting to try.  I'm grateful.  I can honestly say, that I'm happy.  It's not the life I planned or hoped for, but it's my life and I'm happy.

So now what?  Where does my blog go from here? I'm not quite sure yet, but I know that I miss sharing my life with all of you and I miss the free therapy I get when I'm writing. So expect to see a lot more of me, my sass and where my new childfree life is taking me!

The Next Chapter In Our Infertility Book

I've been thinking about it seriously now for about a year, but I haven't said anything...not even to Dave. I didn't want to crush his dream, so I kept it in. They may only be two words, but those two little words would change everything. I didn't utter them out loud or even dare to put them out in the universe. I pushed the words and thoughts to the back of my mind and locked them deep inside. Once they're said, there would be no going back. So I hid them deep down, and soon forgot about them. 



Then it happened! Out of nowhere at one of the infertility support group meetings hosted at my house, I said them. When it was my turn to speak and talk about where we were in our journey, I just blurted it out.  The two words that I hid deep down and forgot about, came tumbling out of my mouth and I couldn't stop them...

"I'm done"

Oh my gosh, what have I done?  What did I just say?  What the fuck?!  What the hell was I thinking?  Please tell me no one heard me.  Please tell me, I didn't just say the words...those two words! But I did, and I couldn't stop the other words that came behind them or the tears streaming down my face. They just came pouring out of my mouth! What have I done?!  I just told my friends the words and the story that I've pushed deep down and locked away before even telling my own husband, but I couldn't stop them.

With diarrhea of the mouth, everything just came spilling out in what seemed like a panic rush! "I'm done! I want to get off this roller coaster. I'm okay now with not having a baby. I just want to stop! But I can't. I can't do that to Dave. I need him to be ready too. I just wish we were on the same page, but we're not, so I'll keep going."  The sentences were random, out of order, barely coherent, but I need to say them. All of them! I couldn't stop. Tears were streaming down my face as the two words not only came out, but everything else that I kept hidden away. Hidden from my husband, and even hidden from myself.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and then I just stopped talking. I didn't say anything else. I just looked down, and wished I could take it all back. I felt like I betrayed my husband. Betrayed myself. My goals. My dreams. What have I done!

As the meeting ended, and everyone went home, I just stood in my kitchen alone trying to figure out what to do next.  It was then that Dave walked in. He had left our house earlier that night so we could have our meeting and went out with a friend's husband from our support group to have a man-to-man meeting. I asked how it went, and made small talk. He said it went well and he talked about the beer he drank, and how he talked about what he wanted to do next. My heart sunk. I felt like I couldn't breathe and my stomach was in knots. It literally felt like a ton of bricks landed on my shoulders. Here we go again. Buck up Kristy, and put that smile on your face. So I did. I looked up, smiled and asked what he wanted to do next. Save up for another round of IVF or just attempt another IUI? My face sank back towards the floor as I waited for his answer, bracing for the blow. I couldn't look him in the eyes, especially after what I just confessed not only 30 minutes ago.

"I told him I wanted to stop" Dave said. Wait, what?!?! I looked up and made him repeat what he just said. I could see the pain in his eyes as he was bracing for my blow. "Are you serious?" I asked. "Are you sure? Is this for real? I'm done too!" My eyes lit up. His eyes lit up. And we just stood in the middle of the kitchen speechless!

He talked about how he's been done for over a year now, but kept going for me. I told him how I've been done and ready to move on for a year and was waiting for him. It was then that we realized that the last 3 IUIs and the cancelled cycle we went through this past year, we did for each other. We were both done but didn't want to disappoint the other or ruin each others dream.

"How could this happen? How could we not talk about this, but go through these cycles for each other, and not talk about our true feelings" I asked! "Love" he said calmly. "Love!"  We love each other that much that we were willing to forgo our wants for their dreams. It was at that exact moment that it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I could breathe!


We high-fived each other, opened a bottle of wine and toasted in the middle of the kitchen.  "To new dreams, and new beginnings!"

It's been three months now since we made that toast in the middle of our kitchen. We haven't told anyone until now, and I can honestly say that it's been a great three months. We look at life differently, now that we're finally off that fucking infertility-roller-coaster. I like to think I'm happier. There's been a weight lifted. I can finally look in the future with a new set of sunglasses. We are starting to make new plans. New dreams. New adventures. New beginnings....together!

We know that a lot of people will be upset, or even disappointed, in our decision and we are okay with that. But this is our decision and we both agree that this is best for our family. Our family of two four (Dave and me & our boys, Zeus and Poseidon)!

Apparently God Hates Me

Apparently God hates me! This is the only thing I hear when you tell me I can't get pregnant because "It's God's Will'. Those three little words, It's God's Will, turns into these three big words, GOD HATES YOU! So stop it! For the love of all things holy, just stop.

Yes, I'm a Christian. Yes, I know God loves me. Yes I pray every day for a baby (or peace, or just an answer) so I don't need you adding to my stress and telling me how I'm not worthy and God hates me. I also know that sometimes God's answer is no, which doesn't mean he hates me.

'It's God's Will' and 'In God's Time' are two of the worst phrases you can say to me.  Are you saying that the crackhead neglecting her children deserves her kids?  Or the child molester who has children is a better Christian than me because he has children?  How about the mother who has 14 children, can't pay for any of them, & pimps them out on the street...oh yeah, it MUST be God's will! It sounds ridiculous right?  Well it's the exact same thing in reverse. If you wouldn't tell the children living in this hell that 'It's God's Will' for them to live this way, then why the hell would you tell the childless woman trying everything under the sun to have a baby, that things happen in God's time and it must be God's will?!

I have enough on my plate and enough stress in my life trying to figure out how we are going to pay for the next treatment (if we're even going to do another treatment!) and I don't need you adding to this stress by making me question why God has blessed certain people with children and not me.

Instead of saying "It must be God's Will", say "I'm praying for you!"
Instead of "It's God's plan", say "I'm praying for you!"
Instead of "In God's time", say "You're in my thoughts"
Instead of "God has a plan for you", say "You are in my thoughts and prayers"

See where I'm going with this?! Please, just stop. Think before you speak....or don't say anything at all. That works too!

Pray for me. Pray for us. Pray for all of us. Yes, I know there is a plan. Yes, I know sometimes the plan is not what I envisioned.  Yes, I know it takes time. Yes, I may not like the plan or the outcome or the results, but just know that I do pray. I need your prayers. I need your good thoughts. I need some peace.

God doesn't hate me!

Listen Up, I Can't "Just Relax!"

I've heard it. You've heard it. Everyone in the infertility community has heard it at least a million times on their journey...the dreaded phrase, "Just Relax!"

Fertile people think this is the magical saying. The phrase that will somehow instantly make a baby appear in our wombs. My womb? The same angry womb that has denied me a baby. The womb that has suffered through years and years of infertility medications, shots, embryo transfers, and surgeries. The very womb that has ignored my every plea, every tear and every demand to work. If I would only 'just relax' then the 13 years of pain and suffering I have endured would simply just...go away!

I wish it were that easy.  If so, then all the years of my yoga and meditation classes would have worked.  I would have been pregnant many times over.  I would have a baby in my arms and a toddler (or two) on my hip by now.  Don't you think I've tried to relax and stay calm?  Don't you think I know that stress isn't good for my body.  Do you really think that me being stress-free is the answer?  Do you think my stress is causing my infertility? Do you think infertility treatments are an easy walk in the park? I wish there was a magic pill I could take to relax during this utmost stressful time. I wish I could relax and make it all go away. I wish I had an answer. Most of all, I wish I could get pregnant as easily as almost every other woman around me, but I can't. That in itself, is extremely stressful.

Infertility is not hoped for, wanted, or even a choice. It's a disease.  A disease that affects 1 in 8 couples. Yes, 1 in 8! Infertility isn't something you can wish away. You can't "just relax" and it will disappear. That's not how infertility works. You wouldn't dare tell a cancer patient to 'just relax' thinking that would instantly cure their cancer...would you? How about someone with epilepsy, or diabetes or even dementia? Of course not! So please stop telling me to relax, hoping that it will miraculously cure my infertility and make me pregnant. Infertility is stressful enough. It can destroy marriages and people. I've seen it.

In my last post, I wrote:
"I will not let infertility define me or destroy me, but instead, I will let it remind me of how far I have come. I am more than my infertility. I am strong."

Yes, I am strong and I won't let infertility beat me, but I still cry. I still wonder why. I still ache and long for the baby I will never have. However, I also know that I have tried. I have given my all. I never gave up. I can hold my head up high. I am proud of myself. I am going to be okay.

I am enough.

So listen up, please stop telling me and other infertile couples to 'just relax'. Instead of giving unwanted advice like: 'just relax', 'just adopt', 'just foster',' just use a surrogate' etc., how about you just listen.  Listen to us. Listen to our story. Listen to our pain, our journey, our triumphs, our decisions. Listen to all the things we have overcome, accomplished, and persevered through. All the steps we have taken on Capitol Hill, and all the congressmen and senators we have talked to, while advocating for infertility rights. Listen to the decisions that we have made pertaining to our family building, especially if that decision (whether made by us or if we are forced to choose this) is to be childfree. Listen without judgement. Listen without advice. Listen without persecution or feeling sorry for us.
Just listen.

I'm Stuck in a Life I Didn't Plan

Today I am dedicating my blog to National Infertility Awareness Week and to the launch of Justine Brooks Froelker's latest book The Mother of Second Chances, based on her blog Ever Upward releasing on April 17th. For five weeks 25 amazing women will share their stories of infertility and loss as part of this incredible blog tour, because together we can shatter the stigma. 

Friday, Erica shared her story, and tomorrow we will hear from my amazing and dear friend Candace from Our Misconception. 

We would love for you to participate by sharing these posts far and wide. We’d especially love to see your own broken silence by sharing your own infertility story using the hastags: #NIAW, #infertility and #EverUpward. 

I love living by the ocean!  There's just something about breathing in the salty air, with your toes in the sand and looking out at the waves rolling in that will bring a sense of peace and calming over your whole body. I find myself sitting in the sand and staring out at the ocean a lot more lately, needing that calming feeling I'm so desperately trying to hold on to. During my latest TWW (two week wait), a little over a month ago, I found myself here often just thinking about everything and focusing on staying calm.  I sat there trying to read my book but found my mind wandering. Thinking about my life and how it didn't go according to my plan. I always knew I wanted to have kids one day, but I kept changing my mind on exactly how many. Never in a million years did it ever cross my mind that I wouldn't be able to have any.  You see, unfortunately, infertility treatments never worked on me.

In the infertility world (and in my own math-geek mind) everything is about numbers. How many follicles? How many embryos? What is your LH? What is your FSH? How many ml of each injectible medicine will I take?  How many times a day will I need to inject myself? So many numbers. Here are some of my important numbers:
40, 14, 13, 9, 5, 3, 3, 2, 1 and 0.

40: How old I will be this year.
14: The number of wonderful years I have been married to my amazing and loving husband.
13: The number of years we have been trying to conceive.
9: The number of years we were silent about our infertility.
5: The number of failed medicated IUIs we have tried.
3: The number of cancelled cycles.
3: The total number of beautiful embryos we transferred.
2: The number of failed IVFs.
1: The number of lines I see on every pregnancy test.
0: The number of babies I have in my arms.

I could also add the numbers 10 million (the number of tears I have cried throughout the 13 years) and one thousand (the number of pregnancy tests I have peed on).

When I look back at these important numbers, I can't help but focus on the number 9.  We were silent for nine whole years.  NINE!  I try not to play the whole "what if" game, but I can't help it.  What if I wasn't silent?  What if I found my wonderful Resolve support group sooner; would we have had the time to try more treatments?  What if I talked about infertility during those nine years; would that change my outcome?  Would I have a child in my arms now if I talked about it?  The honest answer is: I don't know. I don't know if talking about infertility openly would have changed my outcome, but I do know that if I would have talked about it instead of being ashamed of it, I could have been empowered so much sooner.

The numerous infertility treatments we endured may not have ended the way we hoped for, but I am glad we tried (even if it meant we drained all of our savings because insurance didn't cover anything). We decided together that we are not going to pursue adoption, or foster or even surrogacy, not at this point in our lives and no matter how many people try to guilt us into it.  I may try another IUI again, but I don't know how much more I can take...physically and emotionally (not to mention financially!).  I know deep down that I have to face the facts, but I also don't know if I'm ready to take that step. I still have a little hope left, but I also must be realistic.

I know I have to be thankful for what I have in my life right now, and I am. I have an amazing husband, 2 crazy and wild labs, a house, a career and so much more.  So many wonderful things. I know I should just try and focus on all the good, but part of me can't help thinking about that missing piece and the plan I had for my life. The plan that included children and grandchildren. The plan that did not include infertility. This isn't the life I planned, but it is the one I was dealt. I just need time to grieve. Time to mourn the life I wanted, the life I planned and for the child I will never have.

Talking about our infertility is helping me move on. So I will continue to talk about infertility, advocating for infertility rights and supporting others going through it.  Not just during National Infertility Awareness Week, but all year long. I want to help other women and couples feel empowered and not feel ashamed. I want them to know that they are not alone.

I don't know what the future has planned for me, so for now I will spend a lot of my free time soaking up the sun, breathing in the salty ocean air, feeling the sand in-between my toes and watching the waves roll in. I will stare out into the ocean and be thankful for the life I have and the people in it.  I will take time to grieve, but I will also make sure I take time to focus on the future and what lies ahead.  I will not live in my grief, but instead soar above it.  I will be okay, and I will live a full life even if it isn't the life I hoped for or planned. I will not let infertility define me or destroy me, but instead, I will let it remind me of how far I have come. I am more than my infertility. I am strong.

The TWW....What It's Really Like!

So for all of my non-infertile friends, TWW stands for Two Week Wait.  This is the two week time span in-between when your infertility procedure (IUI, or IVF transfer) happened and the day you officially take a pregnancy test or blood BETA test.  So in other words, TWW really stands for mind fuck!

Here's how my latest TWW mind fuck went...

Dave and I have been preparing for a back to back IUI for the last couple of months now and it seemed like all the stars have finally aligned!  I started my oral stimulation meds and had my last pill on Valentine's Day (good sign #1).  As long as my body would follow my verbal demands and nagging and not ovulate over the weekend (since my clinic doesn't perform IUIs on Sundays, because heaven forbid a woman ovulate on a Sunday *insert eye roll here!*) - Check out the video of me doing an ovulation test while camping! Yes I had to pee in a cup, and then bring back said cup to our campsite....longest walk ever!

As luck would have it, I was actually late ovulating this month and was able to do my trigger shot Sunday morning (while still camping!), so this would be good sign #2!
We went in Monday morning (President's Day - good sign #3) and had our first IUI (thanks https://www.etsy.com/shop/pkvPrint for the awesome shirt and IUI socks!!!) Today's theme: Fuck Infertility! I will beat you!

Then back in Tuesday morning for IUI #2!  Today's theme: Wonder Woman!

Now here is where the real fun begins..... the TWW mind fuck

Day 1 - Doctor tells you to act like you are pregnant (so now I'm PUPO-Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise), and to take it easy.  Bed rest, meditation, visualizing, praying, begging and pleading have now begun! This is also day one of my progesterone shots...in the ass! Right butt cheek is up for duty.

Day 2 - I feel a twinge and some cramping!  YES!  That must be implantation right??!?  No it can't be...too early.  Should I take a pregnancy test just in case?  NO!  Just relax!  2nd ass shot (left ass cheek)

Day 3 - Go back to work. Can people tell I may be pregnant? Am I glowing?  C'mon people, say something...no wait, don't! I don't want to tell anyone.  More cramping. This must be implantation, even though it's way too early! Right ass cheek back up for duty.

Day 4 - More cramping.  I just want to stay home and caress my fat roll/possible baby growing area.  More visualizing of the process (sperm meeting egg, doing the dirty deed, creating embryo, traveling down Fallopian tubes, implanting into uterus, bells and whistles going off, party happening in my gut etc.).  Lots of praying, begging & pleading.  Was that a twinge?   Maybe I should test....no still too early.  Resist testing, Kristy. Resist!  Left ass cheek ready!

Days 5-7 First week down.  Resisted temptations to take a pregnancy test. Tried to stay off Dr. Google with all of my symptoms and non symptoms....failed miserably! Right, Left and then back to right ass cheek for more shots.

Days 8-9 Enough of this shit already!  I just want to know.  I go to take a test, and resist again.  Too early! Pat myself on the back for resisting temptation.  More shots, more ass bruising, more time sitting on a heating pad! My end table is starting to look like a drug dealers haven!

Day 10 - I can't take it any longer!  Time to test.  BFN (Big Fat Negative!)  That's ok though...it was too early. Mind Fuck! Mind Fuck! Mind Fuck!  I should just have a glass of wine and relax...nope can't do that, I'm PUPO!  Another day, another ass cheek, another shot. Check out that needle!!!  Yep that goes in my ass every night!  I feel like a human pin cushion, but I'm not complaining because it will all be worth it in the end...dammit! It's just getting harder and harder to walk each day but trust me, I'd rather do the shots than the suppositories any day of the week!!

Day 11 & 12- Maybe today I should test?  No, give it another day or two.  Resisted testing.  Try to stay focused at work (in an elementary school)  More Dr. Google at home before my next shot.  More time on my heating pad.  More praying, begging, and pleading.  Maybe I should look for a church so God knows I'm serious about my bargains and pleads.  Was that a twinge?  Did I just feel implantation this time? Do my boobs hurt (grab boobs to check...nope.  Have Dave grab my boobs to see if there's any soreness....nope.) Dammit!

Day 13 - I can't take it.....I test again.  BFN.  That's ok.  The test was broken.  I've heard of that happening before. You hear of people (you know, the one in a million) where they get the false negative.  That must be me!  Then I start contemplating what great odd that is, and think about going for a lottery ticket, but my ass hurts too much and I don't want to move off my heating pad.

Day 14 - official test day!  BFN on the first test.  Take another test because that bastard must be old and past expiration.  2nd test, negative. 4 tests later, same negative results.


Dammit, fuck, no!!!!!  Pull myself up off the bathroom floor, dry my tears, start breathing normal again and decide that I'm changing religions and joining a polygamist cult....those bitches NEVER have infertility issues!  Then I remember that I am WAY too sassy to be stifled with boring dresses and neutral colors!  So instead I put my big girl pants on , raise two middle fingers and scream, Fuck You Infertility!  Fuck You!

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Pink Lines

Well since I already have my two front teeth, I was thinking maybe I should ask Santa for two pink lines for Christmas this year instead. It has a nice ring to it don't you think?  Sing it with me now,

"All I want for Christmas is my two pink lines. My two pink lines. My two pink lines.  All I want for Christmas is my two pink lines. Then I could have a Merry Christmas!"

Ok a little dramatic maybe, but hey, it doesn't hurt to ask Santa right?!? You never know, unless you ask!

Seriously though, seeing two pink lines on a stick that I pee on has been my Christmas wish for years now (12 years to be exact, but who's counting....oh yeah, that would be me!)  Actually, it's only been 11 years that I've had that wish.  One year, the only thing I wanted was for Dave to make it home safely from Iraq. Out of all of his deployments, he's only had to miss one Christmas.  In 13 years of marriage, I've been very lucky and fortunate! That Christmas, I wished and prayed for his safe return! That prayer was answered!

Now, does that mean for the other 11 Christmases I've been the Christmas Grinch or an awful bitch to be around? Depending on who you ask, I would say the answer is no! (Well...except for that one Christmas two years ago. That Christmas was the worst one for me. I suffered two failed back to back IVFs that year, so I allowed myself to mourn quietly in our house that Christmas. No family. No friends.  Just the two of us, alone. That year was the exception.)

Christmas in general though is amazing.  I love Christmas!  I love everything about it.  The lights, the music, the present buying, the decorations, the food, the mistletoe, the singing, the movies, the cheer...and let's not forget about the Christmas vacation (remember, I'm a teacher!)! I love Christmas! If it were up to me, I would start decorating the house the day after Halloween.  I'm THAT person!


I love everything about Christmas. Some people have asked me how I can still love Christmas and the holiday season with everything that I've gone through with my infertility. I may not have a human baby to spoil on Christmas morning, but I still think I'm blessed.  I have so much to be thankful for. I have an amazing husband, two full-of-life dogs, a wonderful home, a rewarding career, and amazing family and friends both near and far.  I'm blessed. I'm happy. I'm still full of life and smiles. I'm full of Christmas cheer! Lots of Christmas cheer...the kind of cheer that sickens other people around me, but hey, fuck 'em!  It's Christmastime! Time to be happy, damn it! :)

But even with all the cheer and happiness beaming out of me,  it doesn't mean I don't mourn what I don't have. My lost dreams. My empty house. My broken heart.

I still dream about wrapping a positive pee stick under the tree and seeing Dave's face as he opens it and comprehends what it is. I still look at the Christmas tree in our living room and imagine it full of presents for our imaginary kids. I picture their faces as they open their presents and only play with the boxes and the wrapping paper. I picture what it could be, what it should be, what could have been.

Today, as I reflect on this past year and this upcoming Christmas, I realize that no matter how happy I am with my life I still long for a baby of my own. I'm sure I always will. I don't know if or when that Christmas wish will come true, but I will continue to ask Santa for two pink lines and a healthy baby in my arms. This year, I will soak up all the Christmas spirit and celebrate all that I have. I will continue to sing at the top my lungs (very much out of tune like a screeching cat dying slowly in a blender) while decorating and wrapping presents. I will do all of these things, but in the back of my mind I will still mourn. I am grateful though that it will be in the back of my mind and not in the forefront like past Christmases.

For those of you still grieving, still trying, still quietly hoping and wishing, please know that I understand.  This may be a hard time of year for you.  I get it.

For those of you at family gatherings with the newly married couple, please don't ask them when they are going to start a family. Please don't ask the couple who's been married for 5 years when they will have babies. Please don't be upset at the married couple who is opting out of family functions (even on Christmas) because they can't be around little children right now because they are struggling themselves.  They are not being selfish, they are self preserving. Please try to understand.

For those of you that know someone going through infertility and you're not sure what to say this Christmas, just say "I'm praying for you" or "I wish all your dreams come true" instead of telling them about your boyfriend's second cousin's teacher's friends neighbors who went to Jamaica to relax and got pregnant after they stopped trying so hard and after they got a puppy and started the adoption process.  Trust me...that's the last thing we want to hear.  The only thing that story will make us want us to do, is throat punch you at the dinner table.  Not pretty! Just listen. Don't offer advice, unless asked. Don't offer opinions or stories. Just offer a glass of wine!  Wine makes everything better!

So with my glass of wine in hand, I wish all of you reading this a VERY Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I hope all of our dreams come true!

12 Years and Counting...

Today, June 1st 2016, marks the official day twelve years ago that we started trying to have a baby.  Today marks the 12th year!  12!  TWELVE! Fuck!  I can't think of anything else that I have tried doing for twelve years over and over again (with only negative results) that I haven't given up on yet. Seriously....fuuuuuuuck!

So as I sit back and reflect on this, and this number, I have come to realize that I am either one of two things:

1. A complete dumbass
2. A complete badass

Anyone that knows me would have to agree I'm most definitely a little bit of both, but I like to lean towards the second...a complete and utter badass. So as a self-proclaimed badass I'm just going to raise a glass of wine tonight and toast to my badass-ery! Yes that's a real word...at least in my world, and since it's my blog I'm using it! :) 

How many people do you know that would try over and over (and over...and over...and over...and over...) again with nothing to show for it? I just continue to pick myself up off the floor (literally) and try again.  The next round of shots and stirrups seem to be getting longer in between the round before, but I'm still at it. I'm still fighting. I'm still trying. I'm just not ready to give up yet. That in itself is what makes me a badass!  I may need to give up soon and move on, but for now, in this moment, I will continue to wear my invisible badass cape, raise a glass of wine and reflect on these past 12 years. I will reflect on the amazing friends I have made (and the friends I have lost). The pressure this has put on my marriage and the knowledge of knowing that my marriage is rock solid because we have come out swinging and fighting and have done it together. The fact that I have no regrets knowing that I have tried almost everything in my power. So many reflections, so many memories, so many struggles, and yes, so many triumphs. 

I also raise a glass to all of the couples out there still fighting, like us, to beat this disease and to overcome the hand that was dealt to us. To those couples that have tried & moved on to childless lives, and to those that have resolved your family building, you too, are all badasses!  So here's to us...all of us!  

The #1in8 

Cheers!

Don't Stop, #StartAsking

As soon as I saw this years Blogger's Unite theme, I immediately got excited. Not only because I love to overuse #hashtags on a daily basis on my Twitter and Instagram accounts, but because of the open-ended topic.  There were so many possibilities.  So many directions I could go.  So many ways I could use my blogging voice to speak out about infertility. I had so many ideas running through my mind, and just like that...I couldn't think of a single thing to type.  I had too many ideas running through my head, and I just couldn't narrow it down.  One week goes by and my blog canvas was still blank. Two weeks....nothing.  I started to panic, but decided to give myself just a little bit more time before I was going to force myself to narrow down my ideas....that's when it happened, out of no where my topic hit me like a ton of bricks! Ms. Marty!

Let me first start with a little bit of background....a little foreshadowing on this blog post if you must. Our local Resolve support group decided a while ago to have a donation garage sale to raise money for those of us traveling to Washington D.C. in May for Advocacy Day (eek!  This will be my 1st time at Advocacy Day! I. Can't. Wait!).  We collected items, set the date, advertised, and held our garage sale with an amazing turnout.

We met a ton of interesting people throughout the morning.  We explained to each person that stopped by, that this was a donation garage sale and we were raising money for our Resolve support group to attend Advocacy Day.  We expressed that if an item didn't have a price tag on it, just make us an offer and it's yours.  We even placed our post cards on the tables explaining our support group and what infertility was.  We talked about our journeys and how infertility affected the three of us there that day.
 

                    

I couldn't believe the amount of people that then opened up to us about their struggles with infertility, someone in their family that struggled, a close friend that went through it.  The stories never stopped.  All morning we heard them. We weren't alone in our journey, and now neither were they. The donations kept coming. The prayers, the tears and then...Ms. Marty arrived.

She was an angel.  An angel sent to us, straight from heaven.  We started by welcoming her to the garage sale and explained what we were doing, who we were and a bit of our stories.  You could see her stop in her tracks (and to this day I can still see that beam of light radiating off of her...and her halo!) She then told us about her story. She talked about her amazing children that she never thought she'd be able to have in her late 30s and she talked about her sweet and precious angel baby that she lost when she was 41. She started asking us questions and listened to each of our journeys while she looked around. After we finished our stories she immediately stopped what she was doing, held up her hands and just prayed for us.  Literally stopped and prayed out loud for US!  I will never forget her or that prayer. Tears stream down my face now as I type this remembering that life changing moment.  It was at that moment that I knew what I was going to write about. I just had to write about her! Ms. Marty gave me hope, but she also reminded me to never stop and to never give up. She will never know just how much she affected me that day.

After 5 failed medicated IUIs, one failed un-medicated IUI and 2 failed IVFs, my journey may be over (or maybe not...) but my voice will never be silent. I will never stop asking questions about why infertility is not treated like any other disease.  I will never stop asking insurance companies to cover infertility treatments and making it more affordable.  I will never stop advocating for infertility rights.  I will never stop being a voice for those that aren't comfortable talking about it yet...my goodness, it took me over 9 years of trying before finally talking about it out loud.  I will never stop asking for help, for funds, for support.  How could I ever stop? Infertility is nothing to be ashamed of! #StartAsking for support from your friends, your family, your congressman, your insurance company.  Don't stop! #StartAsking....now!

I am an IF warrior.  

I am brave.  

I am 1 in 8.

Was it Really Only a Dream?

Have you ever had a dream that felt so real you couldn't tell if you dreamt it or if it really happened? I had a dream like that last night. I dreamt that I was pregnant.  This wasn't just the normal dream of being pregnant that I've had a million times before,  it was more. It was real...at least it felt real.  Everything about it was real. I had a bit of the belly (the lovely baby bump that I've wished and prayed for) and I couldn't stop rubbing it.  I could feel the flutter of the baby move inside of me.  I could feel my body changing and I felt different. Everything was different.  I could feel the emotions (of what I can only imagine) of pregnancy. I wanted to scream and shout it from the rooftops that I was finally pregnant. That it finally happened to me!  I could literally feel all of these emotions in me.  I couldn't stop smiling and rubbing my now pregnant belly. I could really, truly feel the baby! It was the most AMAZING feeling in the world! It was the miracle that I prayed for all of these years.

Then I woke up.

I was awake and I couldn't stop smiling!  I was finally pregnant! My baby was finally inside of me. I actually woke up relieved and at piece, full of excitement, and smiles. The first thing I did was rub my stomach, but here was no baby bump. I immediately gasped.  I sat up straight, panic stricken! I couldn't breathe! I almost started hyperventilating.  It was just there!  I felt it! I rubbed around frantically all over my stomach trying to find the baby that I just felt! It was JUST there!  What the fuck!  What happened?  Where is my baby bump?  WHERE IS MY BABY?!?! I couldn't think straight. I couldn't get my bearings. I was so confused!

Could this experience really have only been a dream?  No!  Impossible! It felt SO real.  It wasn't like any other pregnancy dream I've ever had in that past.  I could feel the excitement and joy in my soul.  How could this only be a dream, when everything I had just experienced wasn't like any other feeling I had ever felt in my life.  Why was the universe playing yet another cruel and evil joke on me.  Where did my baby bump go? 'What the fuck' was all I could keep saying over and over. It probably took me ten minutes to really realize that everything was a dream....or in this case, a nightmare! There was no baby.  There was no pregnancy. It was only a dream...

I just hope I NEVER have a dream like that ever again.  It was too real. It was too hard to accept that it was only a dream.  It was cruel.

Just when I thought I  may be ready to move forward, childless, a dream like this makes me realize that maybe I'm not. Maybe one more try.  Maybe one more IVF.  Maybe one more attempt.  Maybe one more surgery.  Maybe...

"Merry" Christmas

If you remember my post from last year at this time, Christmas was not so joyous or merry. It was a very hard year. An extremely hard, emotionally draining year.  We finally tried IVF (twice!) after four failed IUI's and both of them failed.  Christmas was just not what it used to be, at least not that year. I ran out of the mall, for God's sake, when I saw Santa with all the happy little kids and families.  I was green with envy and my heart was extremely heavy with such a deep, dark sadness. Something like getting pregnant seemed so easy to so many people everywhere I turned, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I broke into a million pieces.

This year, I'm happy to say that I'm in a much better place.  We did officially try again this year (an IUI we told no one about back on the 4th of July) that once again failed, but that's ok.  I'm here, I'm healthy and I'm going to enjoy the season and the much needed Christmas break.

We decided to once again not go anywhere for Christmas this year.  Every year we traveled and we made sure to spend time with both sides of the family and even made sure to keep track of which side we spent Christmas Day on, so we could alternate.  This meant traveling to different states every single year. First we flew every year, and then after we got Zeus (our black lab) we started driving in order to take him with us.  Then a few years later, we adopted Poseidon (our chocolate lab) and we then traveled with 2 dogs.  It was chaotic, and expensive, but we loved it. It was great spending time with our families.  Last year I needed a break.  I needed to wake up in our bed with my husband, in our house.  I need the quiet.  I needed  peace.  I needed the break. I needed just him.  Luckily, Dave agreed.  This year we decided to do it again.  Not because we needed the quiet or because I was sad and in a bad place, but there was something special about waking up in our own bed that made it perfect.  Something that everyone else has always experienced, except for us. We never woke up in our own bed before last year.  14 years together and last year was the very first time we woke up on Christmas morning in our bed, in our house.  Something I think others take for granted, and something others don't think about. When was the last time you woke up in your own bed on Christmas morning.  Chances are, if you have kids, the answer is last year and many other times before then.  Last year was our first, and I wanted to do it again.

You can call it selfish. You call it whatever you want, but I wanted to do it again. When you don't have kids, you're always the one that has to travel.  You are the ones who have to go to all homes (in different states). Yes, I have invited my family down for Christmas, but of course they want to spend it in their homes with the kids...and who could blame them.  I most certainly don't.  I just also hope then, that they don't blame us for wanting the same thing.  For wanting to wake up in our home on Christmas morning..with out without kids. I feel guilty for not traveling, for not spending the time,energy and money to travel like we used to. Maybe next year we'll travel again....maybe we won't.  Maybe next year we'll have kids...maybe we won't.  We don't know what lies ahead.  We only have the here and now, and this year we will spend it in our house, alone, with each other.

We may only have two human stockings and two dog stockings hung again this year, but we have each other, our families, and our amazing friends.  Whether you travel, stay home, are surrounded by a huge family or spending the day alone, I wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and happy new year!  May your lives be blessed and may all your dreams come true!

I Hate You Olivia Pope

For the past couple of months I've been struggling to come up with a topic to blog about.  I have about 5 different drafts that I started and never finished.   I'm not going through any treatments, work has been CRAZY, and we've been talking about maybe just moving forward childless.  So writing has taken a back burner at the moment.

This past week I was super busy at work and my TGIT (Thank God It's Thursday) shows had to wait.  Saturday I finally got a moment to sit down, pour a glass of wine and catch up on Scandal. I just love Olivia!  Everything about her. I want to be Olivia Pope! I'm also a huge fan of Olivia and Fitz (unlike my sister who really wants to see her with Jake...a debate we have often!). I love them together. I love their chemistry, their passion, and their dreams of the future together. Although I must say, I haven't liked them the past couple of weeks when Fitz moved her into the White House without her permission....but here I digress!

***SPOILER ALERT***  

This is the time to stop reading this post if you haven't watched the episode on 11/19/15. Last chance....

Anyway, I'm sitting on the couch all snuggled up, drinking my wine, watching the episode and it hit me.  I'm watching the Planned Parenthood debate going on and nothing phases me. Then they pan to Olivia. She is sitting in a waiting room.  My stomach twists in knots. My heart drops. I put down my glass of wine as slowly as I can as the tears start falling uncontrollably from my eyes.  I'm sick to my stomach and I think several times that I'm going to puke.  They are now in the room and she gets into the stirrups...the stirrups I know all too well. The stirrups I get into over and over again trying so desperately to become pregnant are the same ones she's in about to end her pregnancy. I'm sick and crying non-stop. I turn away and can't watch wishing it would all just end. I bury my head in the couch cushion just sobbing. Screaming for her to stop..."I'll take the baby" I cry out.  I can't turn off the TV because I'm shaking so hard.  How could she?!? I hate her!  I now HATE Olivia Pope! I once wanted to be a Gladiator and now I want to destroy her. I hate her so much!

Yes, I know she's just a character on a TV show.  Yes I know my reaction is irrational. Yes, I know I may be a bit (or a lot) pathetic because I have this much hate for a make believe character on a TV show that I once loved. Yes, I know people in real life that have had abortions. Yes, I've supported their decisions. Yes, I understand that it's a woman's choice to do what she wants with her body. Yes, I still hate her.

I hate her because she has had what I want. I hate that I hate her so much. I hate that all these feelings that I thought I was moving past, came back in a matter of 10 seconds.  I hate her for doing what she did. I hate her for making me cry in a way I haven't cried since my last failed IVF. I hate her for making me cry an hour after the damn show has ended. I hate her because I'm jealous of what she had. I HATE HER.

I thought I was ready to move on, but maybe I'm not.  Maybe my hate for Olivia has only made me realize that I'm not quite ready to move forward yet. I still don't know what we'll do, where we'll go from here or what lies ahead, but I'm not ready to give up. If I can hate a character so much and have SUCH a reaction to her decision, I guess I'm not ready to be child free just yet.  So yes...I still hate you Olivia Pope, but thank you. Thank you for making me realize I'm not ready to give up and move on just yet.

But yes....right now, at this moment in time, I still hate Olivia Pope!

October 15th

To most people, October 15th is just another day in October. Another day to fight for breast cancer. Another day at work, school, or home. It's just another day.

To the men and women who have suffered with infant loss, miscarriages or stillbirth, October 15th means something else entirely. This is the day of remembrance.  This is the day for them to grieve, all over again. This is the day where they honor their babies who have left this world all too soon. This is their day.

Too many of my friends will be remembering and honoring their angel babies on the 15th. Too many of my friends will be grieving and suffering all over again on the 15th. Too many of my friends grieve every single day.  Too many of my friends have holes in their hearts and empty arms.  Too many friends.

One of these dear friends of mine is Lisa. Lisa and her amazingly strong husband have suffered more in just a few short years, than any couple should ever have to endure in their whole lifetime!  My heart breaks for her, yet I am so inspired by her courage and strength. Her love for the Lord continues to grow over each passing day even through the times I know might have shaken my faith. I don't know how she gets up each day, how she makes it through, and how she inspires me and others around her. Her strength and courage is like something I've never seen before. Her determination to look infertility and loss in the face and just give it a big middle finger makes me love her more and more. She has suffered more miscarriages after losing her son Jake, and somehow still manages to get up each morning and try again. We actually cycled together this summer (which means we had an IUI at the same time).  Both of our attempts ended in a negative test result, but together we rose above it. I love this girl more than she will ever know. To know her, is to love her.  <3 You can read more about her, her story, and her inspirational and emotional journey on her blog Hope After Hope. www.hopeafterhope.com

So what can you do to help?  How can you show your support to these women who have suffered so much when you don't know what to say? You want to help, you want to be there for them, you want to take their pain away but you don't have the words and you don't know where to begin.  This is what you can do.  You can light a candle on October 15th at 7PM. That's it.  It's called the Wave of Light.  This is the day where we can all band together, show our support and come together. I will light my candle and share on my Facebook and Twitter pages to show my support for all of my friends that have already lost way too much in this lifetime.  Please do the same. We may not know what to say, or how we can help, but letting our friends know that we are here for them if/when they need us is a start. This will show our support for them.  They are not alone in this. They are never alone!

I Suck at Getting Pregnant!

We all know I completely suck at getting pregnant! There is no "A" for effort when it comes to infertility, getting pregnant, or staying pregnant for that matter.  I suck!  I suck big time!  I can't seem to change that, so I decided to find the silver lining around the infertility gloomy cloud in my life!

I decided to focus on the positive and let go of the negative, so I went ahead and created a list of all the things I'm really good at when it comes to infertility and the things that I suck at big time!  So here is goes....

When it comes to infertility I SUCK big time at...

• Getting pregnant
• Seeing 2 lines on a pregnancy test
• Keeping an embryo (or embryos!) in my uterus for more than 10 days

(only 3 things I majorly suck at...not too bad!)


When it comes to infertility I'm AWESOME at...

• only seeing 1 line on a pregnancy test! (as you can see from our latest attempt!)
• getting shots in my abdomen and ass! I'm a freaking super-star at this!!!
• evicting any & all  foreign objects from my uterus on or before day 10! Nothing foreign in this angry uterus...heaven forbid my uterus become friendly and happy and invite others to stay! Damn bitch!
• knowing the exact times of all injections, pills and doctor's appointments when it comes to infertility, but I can't tell you what I had for breakfast!
• taking any song and making it about my loss!  Yep...even a Backstreet Boys song! I can't even listen to their Incomplete song the same way! HA! Sorry ladies...that BSB song is NOT about a breakup, but it's about my infertility and the fact that I can't get that damn 2nd pink line to show up to the bathroom pee party on a freaking pregnancy test!  Don't even get me started on other song lyrics that I can make all about me, and not the intended hurtful breakup it was originally written about! BooYah! Now that is talent right there! 
• getting in stirrups without any direction!  I know what to do, and sometimes I don't even wait for the nurse to leave.  Why wait?  I wear a sundress or skirt every appointment for easy access....just take off my shoes and hop on up! :)
• Mr. Ultrasound Wand Selfies!  I'm a fucking rockstar at this! 

As you can see by my picture, in 3 different dresses, I have no self control when it comes to ultrasound wand selfies! None!  You have to find a way to lighten up the appointments and have a little fun...and this is what makes me a self proclaimed fucking rockstar :)

I don't know how I could have gone through so many appointments before thinking of this!  It makes every appointment from here on out, so much more fun and entertaining! :)

• making some beautiful embryos! Our first try at IVF, we made a grade 1 and a grade 2 embryo (aka A+ and A- if they were graded...so pretty much they were totally kick ass embryos!) 
   

• finding super socks for each occasion.  I must admit, my superwoman ones with the red capes for the 2nd IVF (transfer day) were my favorite by far! And let's not forget about my bad ass (literally) socks for the egg retrieval! 
  

• looking like a homeless princess in the hospital gowns.  Yeah...it's not a pretty thing, but I think I was able to sport the homeless princess look every single time...or maybe not?!? 
  
  
  
  

• finding the BEST band-aids for each shot! This 37 year old had her inner 7 year old come out with all the princess, pink polka dot, Sesame Street and Mickey Mouse band-aid.s...and I loved every single one!!!  It made this whole horrific process funny! Refer to the second bullet above...
  
  
  
   
  
  
  

Last but not least....

• When it comes to infertility, I'm pretty KICK ASS at trying again and again.  Just when I think I've had enough and can't go on, I'm back in the stirrups (literally!) trying again.  It's almost like a really expensive addiction (really, really expensive!) that I can't get enough of. I'm really hoping I can stop the addiction one day when I'm throwing up from morning sickness and changing dirty diapers at 3am.....one day I can only hope!

As you can see by the two lists I've created, evidently I am much better at this whole infertility thing than I first thought.  But honestly....I really wish I sucked at it, because then I would be a mom by now.

Anyone know a good therapist for my angry uterus...I think she needs to be put on different meds, because the ones I've tried haven't worked yet! :)