These are phrases and statements you should not say to a woman or a couple trying to get pregnant...especially those who you KNOW are having fertility issues. Most of these phrases are not used by people with common sense so there's no need in trying to memorize what to say and what not to say to us. But yes, all of these statements have been said to me at some point in our journey, even AFTER opening up about our infertility...
1. Just relax…then it will happen
o In the beginning of our journey we were so relaxed we were a puddle of goo. 10 years later we are “relaxed” again, but telling a woman who is desperately trying to get pregnant to “relax” is like telling a bull not to charge. Relaxation is not so easy when years go by and you still don’t have anything to show for all of your hard work. Telling me to relax only pisses me off and gets me more spun up! So next time you think about telling someone to “just relax and then it will happen” think about telling a charging bull to slow down or stop, because you will have better luck making that happen first!
2. Stop trying and then it will happen.
o Ummmm last time I checked, you need to try and have sex to make it happen. I’m not the Virgin Mary, so telling me to stop trying will not create this baby. I know what you’re trying to say…but that goes along with the whole “just relax” statement above…
3. Maybe you should just adopt, then you'll get pregnant. I had a friend who knew this girl, whose sister had a friend who got pregnant right after they adopted their child… Everyone has a “friend” who this happened to!
o Oh just adopt...yeah cause it soooooo easy to "just" adopt. Adoption is a personal choice for couples. Sometimes it takes YEARS and years to adopt a baby. Adoption isn’t like it was 40 years ago where you walk into an adoption agency/orphanage and pick out your child and take it home that same day. It’s now a big business where people spend tens of thousands of dollars just to be put on the waiting list! There’s no guarantee that you’ll even be picked as the adoption parent. So no….saying “just” adopt is not only insulting, but unrealistic in some cases. It's not like when I go to the grocery store and they don't have any cheddar cheese left, and I say to myself "oh well, I'll "just" get some Colby jack instead" If you think adoption is easy or the “answer” to getting me pregnant, then you haven’t tried the adoption process recently!
4. Try going on vacation, it will happen then…
o Been there, tried that! We even went to Jamaica where the sands were supposed to be “fertile!” It didn’t work! And yes, when you’re on vacation you’re so relaxed (see#1) and still nothing! Now, vacations aren’t an option…wanna know why…because we’re broke! We’re broke because we’ve spent a ton of money trying to get pregnant with doctors and nurses in the room because the old fashion way didn’t work…when I was on vacation!
5. Why don’t you just do IVF?
o Should I just do IVF before or after I just adopt (see #3). Do you have $10 grand I can have in order to "try" it? Yeah because IVF is not guaranteed. There is no money back guarantee if it doesn’t work. You pay upfront (most places don’t have payment plans or a lay-a-way option) just in the hopes that it works. If is doesn’t, then you start all over again…for another $10K! Oh plus I'll need $3-5,000 more for the meds and shots…since none of this is covered by our insurance (along with most people…not all, but most!)
6. Have you tried standing on your head after sex?
o Yes, as a matter of fact I have and it’s really uncomfortable and it sucks when you have hard wood floors! Next question…
7. You must not be praying hard enough
o Yep…that’s it! You found the reason why I can’t have kids…I’m not praying hard enough! So daily prayers, crying out to God during another negative pregnancy test or another failed IUI, must not be enough! Really?!?! I’m pretty religious, so for you to tell me that I’m not praying enough is beyond ridiculous and infuriating! I pray…I pray A LOT! And yes, I know that God answers all of our prayers, and maybe the answer is not what we want, but to tell me I’m just not praying enough…ugh! *insert eye roll!*
8. Oh just wait until you have kids and then you'll understand!
o Bitch I've been "waiting" for 10 years to "understand"!
9. I'm so lucky because I’m so fertile! You can just call me a Fertile Myrtle! I wish you were more like me…
o Seriously?!? Just rub it in my face! Here I am trying and trying and your response to me opening up to you is, “I'm so lucky because I’m a Fertile Myrtle “yeah….Fuck you! Let me just rub it in your face that I have naturally big boobs while you sit there flat as a board…oh wait that wouldn’t be right. Maybe that’s why you haven’t heard me throw that in your face! In what world do you live in that would make you think that throwing your blessed fertility in my face is the right thing to say?!? What the Hell?!?!
10. Wow… you're so lucky you don't have kids! This is hard work!
o Lucky?!? Really?!? Did you seriously just tell me that I’m LUCKY because I don’t have kids?!? Yeah so lucky that I’m going broke trying to be unlucky! No shit it’s hard work you dumbass…it’s called parenthood!
11. It must be nice not having kids and all the responsibility that goes along with it!
o Ummm what?!? Come again... I can’t think of a snarky response to this. Really?!?!
12. I don't know why it's so hard for you to get pregnant; we got pregnant our first time!
o Yeah fuck off! Rub it in my face why don’t cha! 10 years trying over here…hey maybe I should see a doctor about this! If it only took you one try and me a million…does that mean I win because I’ve had more sex than you?!? I don’t know why it’s so hard for us either! Maybe I should (see #3) after I (#4) while I’m (#6) and then I’ll get pregnant asshole!
13. I just can't stop getting pregnant. We just look at each other and I'm pregnant again!
o Must be nice Fertile Myrtle (see #9).
Trust me, most of us have prayed a lot, tried everything, and heard all of the stories. With the internet and Google, we’ve even read up on all of the old wives tales trying to get pregnant. We’ve had more people in the room with us while trying to get pregnant (get your mind out of the gutter…I’m talking about the doctors and nurses) than we ever thought we would need. We don’t want to hear about your friend’s sister, who knew a girl, whose brother married a woman whose cousin once removed adopted a baby and got pregnant the next day.
So what should you say to me or to someone who’s trying to have a baby and is having a hard time (besides “Here’s $10 grand for you for your next IVF cycle!” J)? How about this:
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I’m here for you.
You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Found your blog through Resolve.org! I love this post! People say stupid stuff to couples that are TTC and struggling with infertility! We have had all of these stupid things said to us. My old boss even looked at me after our second miscarriage and said, "Well maybe you just aren't meant to be a mother." My mind was blown... I wanted to punch her in the face. I wanted to run her over with my car. I hated her for that.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your hubby on this bumpy road of infertility!
Thank you so much for reading Jenny! It means so much to me! I can't believe what your boss said...and it makes it worse that she was a woman! You have a lot of self control, because I don't know if I would have been able to not say anything! I also wish you lots of luck and sticky baby dust on your roller coaster journey!!!
DeleteHey! After the resolve meeting, I rushed home to read your blog. :) I enjoy this topic.. shitty things people say. The relax one drives me crazy.. No one tells cancer patients to relax and the cancer will go away..cause that would be insane...it should be the same with infertility..We can't relax it away, it's a disease... Or the other thing I hate.."you can have my kids" .. ok, don't be surprised when I show up at your house that night with a lawyer and a car seat. Anyway, it was really nice meeting you, looking forward to more meetings.
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