Resolve to Know More...About Infertility

Blogging…

I’ve read blogs before. Both for personal reasons and work related, but I’ve never actually blogged before. Why would anyone want to read what I have to say? Who would read it? Why would they care? What would be so different about my story than from others? What would I have to blog about that hasn’t already been written? I’ve never talked about infertility to anyone besides my husband (and my awesome RESOLVE support group) and now I’m actually thinking about blogging about it!  What’s wrong with me?  How can I think about going from completely silent about our infertility to putting our struggles out on the web for anyone and everyone to see? All of these things went through my head over and over before I actually decided to do it…

For the most part writing about our years of struggles with infertility has been helpful for me, but come to find out it has also been helpful for others. I have heard stories from friends and family members about their struggles with infertility that I never knew about. Stories that they kept private for so many years.  Stories of their own struggles of loss and miracle conceptions.  Stories that were private and personal that they shared only with a few.

Then there are also those few that are offended by my blog. Comments about how they wished I wouldn't talk about it so much because it makes them uncomfortable or it makes them sad and they feel sorry for me. I’m sorry that you’re uncomfortable, but imagine me trying to get pregnant with doctors and nurses all in the room while I’m in stirrups...then we can talk about who’s uncomfortable! I'm not here to offend you, but I'm also not going to keep quiet about my journey and struggles because it makes you uncomfortable.   It took me almost ten years to talk about it publicly and I’m not about to stop now!  I'm on this infertility roller coaster, and I’m already strapped in. Trust me, I want to get off but unfortunately I can’t, so hold on tight because it’s about to be a bumpy ride!   You’re lucky because you have options: 1. Get on and buckle up or 2. Jump off!  At least you have a choice!

I decided the moment I hit the 'Publish' button on January 1, 2014 that I was going to be a voice and a face for infertility.  I want to educate people. I want to stand up for what is right and be that annoying buzz in the insurance company’s ear...you know the ones that don't have mandatory coverage for infertility treatments in most states. Don't even get me started on that one! I read all of my insurance company's documents and I actually called my insurance company and double checked to make sure they wouldn't cover anything...nope, not a single piece of our journey is covered by insurance.  Unfortunately I was correct.  I have insurance and I can't even use it! They don't cover the transfer, the medicine, the ultrasounds, the hydrosonograms, or the injections. But you want to know what they do cover...they would cover my rehab if I decided to VOLUNTARILY take a needle full of heroin and inject it into my body! If I made the choice to start injecting illegal drugs into my body, they would cover that! I did not make the choice to have fertility problems.  I did not make the choice to make it so difficult to have a baby. I did not make the choice to have it nearly impossible to create another human life. Infertility injections full of medicine that could help me get pregnant are considered elective and they DO NOT cover those injections! One needle is full of disgusting drugs that will kill you, and the other needle is full of an 'elective' medicine to help your body conceive a miracle baby. One of these needles will lead to death, and one of them to life.  One of these needles was injected by choice, and one was injected by necessity. One is covered by insurance, and one is not. I just don't understand, and I never will!

So, I'm sorry if I'm offending you in some way or making you uncomfortable, but no I'm not going to stop typing my thoughts or talking about it. I always thought we were alone in our journey, but unfortunately there’s a lot of us….too many of us!  If I can help just ONE couple not feel so alone, then I did something positive in the infertility world! Did you know that 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility?  How many of those couples do not seek treatment because of the out of pocket cost? How many couples can only endure one or two treatments because of the ever rising expense?  How many couples go to different states looking for infertility treatment because the laws are different in that state? The numbers are shocking! 

I don’t expect you to stand next to me marching at the next infertility awareness parade, but I would love for you to listen and read what we’re going through.  Maybe our story can help someone you know.  Maybe our story will help one of your family members silently going through the same thing.

I thank God that you don’t understand or know firsthand what it’s like to go through infertility. I thank God that you don’t understand what it’s like to chart, test, wait, agonize, and hope only to be disappointed time and time again year after year.  I thank God that you don’t know what it’s like to lay on your bathroom floor in a puddle of your tears after the thousandth negative pregnancy test. I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to be poked and prodded and then have all of your intimate insides put on display on a TV screen for doctors and nurses to talk about as if you weren’t in the same room naked and mortified.  I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to scream ‘Why Me?’ one hundred times over. I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to plea, cry out, and have your faith questioned only to turn around to feel guilty for ever having those thoughts enter your mind. I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to try and create a baby with you, your husband, a doctor, a couple of nurses and an intern all in the same room. I thank God that you don’t know what it’s like to feel the financial burden of trying to create a family in just the hope that it works this round. I thank God that you don’t know what it’s like to lie to your friends and family because it’s just easier to lie about ‘not wanting to have kids’ than it is to admit that you’ve been trying for 10 years with no results.  I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to have hope that maybe…just maybe this IUI or IVF round was ‘the one!’ only to find out yet again it wasn’t.  I thank God you don’t know what it’s like to have a constant pit in your stomach or physically feel the ache in your heart before you test again only to confirm what you already knew.  I thank God you don’t know…

These are the reasons I’m grateful for my voice!  It may have taken me awhile to use it for infertility, but now that I have, I will not back down or stop.  I can’t promise you that my story will end with my miracle baby, but I can promise you this…I won’t stop being a voice and I refuse to give up hope! I resolve to know more…do you?

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)