Saturday, December 24, 2016

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Pink Lines

Well since I already have my two front teeth, I was thinking maybe I should ask Santa for two pink lines for Christmas this year instead. It has a nice ring to it don't you think?  Sing it with me now,

"All I want for Christmas is my two pink lines. My two pink lines. My two pink lines.  All I want for Christmas is my two pink lines. Then I could have a Merry Christmas!"

Ok a little dramatic maybe, but hey, it doesn't hurt to ask Santa right?!? You never know, unless you ask!

Seriously though, seeing two pink lines on a stick that I pee on has been my Christmas wish for years now (12 years to be exact, but who's counting....oh yeah, that would be me!)  Actually, it's only been 11 years that I've had that wish.  One year, the only thing I wanted was for Dave to make it home safely from Iraq. Out of all of his deployments, he's only had to miss one Christmas.  In 13 years of marriage, I've been very lucky and fortunate! That Christmas, I wished and prayed for his safe return! That prayer was answered!

Now, does that mean for the other 11 Christmases I've been the Christmas Grinch or an awful bitch to be around? Depending on who you ask, I would say the answer is no! (Well...except for that one Christmas two years ago. That Christmas was the worst one for me. I suffered two failed back to back IVFs that year, so I allowed myself to mourn quietly in our house that Christmas. No family. No friends.  Just the two of us, alone. That year was the exception.)

Christmas in general though is amazing.  I love Christmas!  I love everything about it.  The lights, the music, the present buying, the decorations, the food, the mistletoe, the singing, the movies, the cheer...and let's not forget about the Christmas vacation (remember, I'm a teacher!)! I love Christmas! If it were up to me, I would start decorating the house the day after Halloween.  I'm THAT person!

I love everything about Christmas. Some people have asked me how I can still love Christmas and the holiday season with everything that I've gone through with my infertility. I may not have a human baby to spoil on Christmas morning, but I still think I'm blessed.  I have so much to be thankful for. I have an amazing husband, two full-of-life dogs, a wonderful home, a rewarding career, and amazing family and friends both near and far.  I'm blessed. I'm happy. I'm still full of life and smiles. I'm full of Christmas cheer! Lots of Christmas cheer...the kind of cheer that sickens other people around me, but hey, fuck 'em!  It's Christmastime! Time to be happy, damn it! :)

But even with all the cheer and happiness beaming out of me,  it doesn't mean I don't mourn what I don't have. My lost dreams. My empty house. My broken heart.

I still dream about wrapping a positive pee stick under the tree and seeing Dave's face as he opens it and comprehends what it is. I still look at the Christmas tree in our living room and imagine it full of presents for our imaginary kids. I picture their faces as they open their presents and only play with the boxes and the wrapping paper. I picture what it could be, what it should be, what could have been.

Today, as I reflect on this past year and this upcoming Christmas, I realize that no matter how happy I am with my life I still long for a baby of my own. I'm sure I always will. I don't know if or when that Christmas wish will come true, but I will continue to ask Santa for two pink lines and a healthy baby in my arms. This year, I will soak up all the Christmas spirit and celebrate all that I have. I will continue to sing at the top my lungs (very much out of tune like a screeching cat dying slowly in a blender) while decorating and wrapping presents. I will do all of these things, but in the back of my mind I will still mourn. I am grateful though that it will be in the back of my mind and not in the forefront like past Christmases.

For those of you still grieving, still trying, still quietly hoping and wishing, please know that I understand.  This may be a hard time of year for you.  I get it.

For those of you at family gatherings with the newly married couple, please don't ask them when they are going to start a family. Please don't ask the couple who's been married for 5 years when they will have babies. Please don't be upset at the married couple who is opting out of family functions (even on Christmas) because they can't be around little children right now because they are struggling themselves.  They are not being selfish, they are self preserving. Please try to understand.

For those of you that know someone going through infertility and you're not sure what to say this Christmas, just say "I'm praying for you" or "I wish all your dreams come true" instead of telling them about your boyfriend's second cousin's teacher's friends neighbors who went to Jamaica to relax and got pregnant after they stopped trying so hard and after they got a puppy and started the adoption process.  Trust me...that's the last thing we want to hear.  The only thing that story will make us want us to do, is throat punch you at the dinner table.  Not pretty! Just listen. Don't offer advice, unless asked. Don't offer opinions or stories. Just offer a glass of wine!  Wine makes everything better!

So with my glass of wine in hand, I wish all of you reading this a VERY Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I hope all of our dreams come true!


  1. I just wanted to say I feel your pain. It has been 13 yrs since I have been FTC a baby and every year that goes by my hope does a little. I turned 31 this year and in my second marriage. First one failed because of my lack of ability to conceive and he went on to remarry and have 3 children. I'm in my second marriage and we have been try for 6 years, with ivf as our only option. Our diagnosis is pcos and male factor. It is the most depressing thing in the world and as I watch "infertile" people who I have become friends with get pregnant naturally within a few months after they. I'm plain to me it breaks my heart a little. I feel like no one truly knows my pain. We tried the fundraiser despite my pride and embarrassment I wanted to try I feel so bad but can't afford it. Well no one donated and all it did was embarrass me more so we went back to not talking about it with our friends and they and just kind of giving up but holding onto Faldo hope if that makes sense. I hope from the bottom of my heart that you get you're baby. Hope that 2017 will be your year.

    1. Thank you so much! Here's hoping 2017 is the year for both of us!