Wednesday, August 19, 2015

I Suck at Getting Pregnant!

We all know I completely suck at getting pregnant! There is no "A" for effort when it comes to infertility, getting pregnant, or staying pregnant for that matter.  I suck!  I suck big time!  I can't seem to change that, so I decided to find the silver lining around the infertility gloomy cloud in my life!

I decided to focus on the positive and let go of the negative, so I went ahead and created a list of all the things I'm really good at when it comes to infertility and the things that I suck at big time!  So here is goes....

When it comes to infertility I SUCK big time at...

  • Getting pregnant
  • Seeing 2 lines on a pregnancy test
  • Keeping an embryo (or embryos!) in my uterus for more than 10 days
(only 3 things I majorly suck at...not too bad!)

When it comes to infertility I'm AWESOME at...

  • only seeing 1 line on a pregnancy test! (as you can see from our latest attempt!)
  • getting shots in my abdomen and ass! I'm a freaking super-star at this!!!
  • evicting any & all  foreign objects from my uterus on or before day 10! Nothing foreign in this angry uterus...heaven forbid my uterus become friendly and happy and invite others to stay! Damn bitch!
  • knowing the exact times of all injections, pills and doctor's appointments when it comes to infertility, but I can't tell you what I had for breakfast!
  • taking any song and making it about my loss!  Yep...even a Backstreet Boys song! I can't even listen to their Incomplete song the same way! HA! Sorry ladies...that BSB song is NOT about a breakup, but it's about my infertility and the fact that I can't get that damn 2nd pink line to show up to the bathroom pee party on a freaking pregnancy test!  Don't even get me started on other song lyrics that I can make all about me, and not the intended hurtful breakup it was originally written about! BooYah! Now that is talent right there! 
  • getting in stirrups without any direction!  I know what to do, and sometimes I don't even wait for the nurse to leave.  Why wait?  I wear a sundress or skirt every appointment for easy access....just take off my shoes and hop on up! :)
  • Mr. Ultrasound Wand Selfies!  I'm a fucking rockstar at this! 
As you can see by my picture, in 3 different dresses, I have no self control when it comes to ultrasound wand selfies! None!  You have to find a way to lighten up the appointments and have a little fun...and this is what makes me a self proclaimed fucking rockstar :)
I don't know how I could have gone through so many appointments before thinking of this!  It makes every appointment from here on out, so much more fun and entertaining! :)

  • making some beautiful embryos! Our first try at IVF, we made a grade 1 and a grade 2 embryo (aka A+ and A- if they were pretty much they were totally kick ass embryos!) 

  • finding super socks for each occasion.  I must admit, my superwoman ones with the red capes for the 2nd IVF (transfer day) were my favorite by far! And let's not forget about my bad ass (literally) socks for the egg retrieval! 
  • looking like a homeless princess in the hospital gowns.'s not a pretty thing, but I think I was able to sport the homeless princess look every single time...or maybe not?!? 

  • finding the BEST band-aids for each shot! This 37 year old had her inner 7 year old come out with all the princess, pink polka dot, Sesame Street and Mickey Mouse band-aid.s...and I loved every single one!!!  It made this whole horrific process funny! Refer to the second bullet above...


Last but not least....
  • When it comes to infertility, I'm pretty KICK ASS at trying again and again.  Just when I think I've had enough and can't go on, I'm back in the stirrups (literally!) trying again.  It's almost like a really expensive addiction (really, really expensive!) that I can't get enough of. I'm really hoping I can stop the addiction one day when I'm throwing up from morning sickness and changing dirty diapers at day I can only hope!

As you can see by the two lists I've created, evidently I am much better at this whole infertility thing than I first thought.  But honestly....I really wish I sucked at it, because then I would be a mom by now.

Anyone know a good therapist for my angry uterus...I think she needs to be put on different meds, because the ones I've tried haven't worked yet! :)


  1. Oh my gosh! That picture (with that magic wantd) to funny!! Great post. Thats what I needed to hear today. Just a bunch of sarcasim to get me through my day :)

    1. HA! Thanks Kimberly...sometimes I just can't help myself! :) So glad my smart-aleck mouth and attitude helped you get through the day, because sometimes that's the exact medicine we need to get through this :)
      Hope your day was amazing and beautiful!

  2. Thanks for this. It made me smile. My first ivf I lost my son at 18 weeks. This last attempt I'm in the process of miscarrying as they told me this one doesn't have a chance. So I'm good at getting ivf positive tests but no baby in the end. I just paid tons of money for tons of pain.

    1. I'm glad this post was able to make you smile, especially since you're going through such a hard time. I'm so so sorry for your losses! My heart is breaking for you! :(

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