A Year Later

As I sit here and reflect on what could have been, what should have been, and what is, I'm brought to nothing but tears. A year ago today is when we got the official news that our 1st IVF failed. Of course I knew in my heart four days before that it failed, but a year ago today was the official beta bloodwork and the devastating look in everyone's eyes as they told me what I already knew. My two perfect, wanted, and loved embryos were gone.

A lot has happened in a year. A year ago, I didn't think I would make it. I didn't think I would ever be able to laugh again, much less try again...but I did, and we did. As you already know though if you follow this blog, IVF #2 didn't work either.

A year ago today, I was lost and felt hopeless. A year ago, I wanted to crawl up into a ball and melt into my blankets. A year ago, I didn't want to think about anything or anyone...much less myself. Like I said, a lot has happened in a year. Today, I laugh a lot, smile a lot, and cry a little less. I think about them and what could have been, knowing that if it did work, I would be holding two amazing little humans in my arms today instead of thinking about what could have been.

No, I'm sure it's not healthy to think about the past, mourn what could have been, or even long for what never was, but I can't help it. Not today. Today I will take time to grieve, to remember and to mourn our loss. 

Today I am sad. Today I grieve. Today will not last forever.

Tomorrow, I will smile again, laugh again, and even think about trying again, but today is not tomorrow.

Today I am lost.
Today I mourn my two perfect embryos that never came to be.
Today I grieve.
Today I am heartbroken.

You Are Not Alone...and Neither am I!

For 9 years we were suffering with infertility silently.  We didn't talk about it with anyone! No one! Not our friends, not our family and a lot of the times, not even with each other.  It was like if we didn't talk about it and acknowledge it then it wasn't real.  Maybe next month it would happen...but 'next month' never happened. Then we started going to an infertility doctor and we were still silent.  I didn't even look at anyone in the eye in the waiting room...even though they were there for the exact same reason.  I was ashamed, and still felt alone.

Then a miracle happened (no...not THAT miracle), I was introduced to a Resolve support group by a dear friend who was going through infertility too.  I went to my first meeting and it was miraculous.  I knew deep down I wasn't alone, but now I was in the same room with other women who were sharing their stories and I truly knew I wasn't alone.  Everything changed!  And then it happened...6 months later I told everyone in a big way!  This blog!  Yes!  Go big or go home right?!? My coming out story was on January 1st, 2014 and I never looked back.  It was a release, a way of sharing with others, a way to make others feel not so alone.  Since my first Resolve support group meeting until now, a little over a year later, we have gone through 4 failed IUI's and 2 failed IVF's. I felt defeated!

I thought about giving up blogging.  What was the point?  What else did I have to share and say? I feel like I'm stuck in a place where I'm not sure which road to take. The fork in the road so to speak...one leading to a childless life, and one leading to possibly having children but knowing that it may take another 10 years of trying, more treatments, more shots, more ultrasounds, more 2-week waits, more disappointment, more tears and more heartache.  Which path do I take?  Which road do I go down?  When will I decide?  The answer is...I have no idea!


I needed some time to think, some time to find the answer and last weekend was so beautiful outside!  Dave was gone and I wanted to soak up as much of the sun as I could, so I decided to weed the garden we made last year and plant a few tomato plants and some lettuce...the other veggies would just have to wait.  I was done weeding, and churning around the soil and decided to drag the 70 lb bags of soil from the side of the house into the backyard to where the garden was because I didn't want to wait for him to get home. I was so excited to grow something! So I planted the few tomato plants I had and the various varieties of lettuce I just bought and started the sprinkler to make sure everything would have the perfect environment to grow.

It was then that I looked around the backyard and it hit me like a ton of bricks!  My heart sank into my stomach and I couldn't move. We built that garden last year during our first try at IVF. We thought it was going to work.  It was supposed to work, but it didn't.  Neither did the next IVF.   I stood there in the middle of my backyard staring at my garden crying uncontrollably. I can grown lettuce and tomatoes and cucumbers the size of my arm, but I can't grow a baby in my belly (even with the help of multiple infertility doctors).  Why?  What was wrong with me?  I was a mess...literally and figuratively! The pain of our multiples losses hit me all over again like it was yesterday.  Am I going to resent my tomatoes now because they can reproduce and I can't?

Luckily, I was able to turn to another infertile friend about this and it made me remember that I wasn't alone.  I was alone for SO many years and now I wasn't!  So many years I was quiet and maybe in denial.  For so many years I didn't reach out and didn't have support besides my husband. Talking about our infertility released such a calm over me.  A weight was finally lifted that I had never felt in the 9 years that we struggled alone!  Even when it felt like we were alone, we were never really alone...and neither are you!  1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility and I am one of those 8! I am not ashamed to reach out to my amazing support group when I need them.  If you feel like you are alone in this, please reach out and find a support group in your area by visiting the Resolve site HERE.  You are NOT alone!

People say I'm strong for writing this blog and for talking about something so personal.  Honestly, I'm only strong because I have the love and support of many other women going through the same thing.  I am not alone anymore and I am stronger now than I ever imagined I could be.  I am forever thankful to my support group and the amazing friends I have found through this heartbreaking journey.

You are NOT alone!

Another Childless Christmas

I love Christmas!  I love everything about it! The decorations, the kindness, the giving, the presents (both buying them and getting them!) the music... Oh the music!  I'm one of those cheeseballs that you can't stand that starts listening to Christmas music as soon as possible.  I just LOVE when the local radio station starts playing it 24 hours a day. I'm in Christmas music heaven!  I warned you...I'm that person!  I sing along at the top of my lungs in my car, even though I can't hit a single note! I pity the poor drivers next to me at stop lights that had to endure the torture of my singing through closed windows. Did you see the Big Bang Theory episode of Bernadette singing in the car....yeah that's me!
(for those of you reading this on a mobile device and can't see the video that's embedded below, you can view the clip that I'm referring to here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAZEIwD3TNA )

For a lot of couples going through infertility, Christmas can be a hard time.  It's another sad reminder that it is just the two of them and still no children.  Only two stockings and not three. No children to watch open presents.  No Santa Clause. The constant reminder from family that you don't have kids.  They don't mean it, but it's there.  You are the ones that have to travel because, let's face it, it's easier for you to travel without kids than it is for family members with kids to travel to you.  So you have to shell out hundreds and hundreds of dollars to travel in state or out of state to go spend time with the ones you love because you don't have kids.  I 'd like to think they don't think of it that way and it never crosses their mind, but you do.

Honestly though, I've never had these feelings.  I've always loved Christmas and the holidays and everything about it.  I loved being with family, and watching my nieces and nephew open their presents and talk about how Santa came to visit them.  I could never relate to my friends going through this, even though we were still childless at Christmas. I didn't understand what they were going through. I could sympathize and be there for them, but I couldn't relate....until this year.  This year was the first time ever where I felt broken. I cried...a lot! 

The Christmas season started out great! I went to the mall to go shopping. I stopped at a few stores, had a few bags in my hand and went on to the next stop. I passed the center court where Santa was and looked over with a smile.  I saw Santa bend down to hug a little girl who was probably about 2 and I lost it.  Right there in the middle of the mall!  I gasped! Tears started streaming down my face. My chest felt like it was about to cave in.  The grief struck and I couldn't stop it.  I looked like a freaking lunatic!  I literally ran into a man as I rushed out of the mall as fast as I could gasping for breath and trying to see through my streaming tears. I was sure a security guard would try to stop me on my way out thinking I just stole something! Come to find out, this was only going to be the first of many incidents this Christmas season...

I was singing like Bernadette (Big Bang Theory) at the top of my lungs in my car on the way to work one Monday like I have every other work day morning. A song came on, I was singing, and the verse I sang said something about 'my sweet baby'. I don't remember any other words after that. It hit me out of no where like a ton of bricks. I  lost it.  I lost my breath, I lost all self control, I couldn't stop the tears. I tried to control myself so that I wouldn't swerve off the road. I could barely see through my tears. I couldn't catch my breath. The realization of  everything that we went through this year hit me again. The 9 years where we tried naturally didn't affect me like this.  It hurt, but it never stopped my Christmas spirit. Last year when we did 4 IUI's, that one was hard, but we always knew deep down that it would work as long as we did IVF. This year, after 2 failed IVF cycles back to back it broke me. IVF was supposed to be our end all.  It was supposed to work. It was supposed to be our answer.  It was supposed to be our miracle.  It wasn't.  It didn't work.  I couldn't keep my 3 perfect embryos. My womb is empty again and so is my heart. So this year we decided that we were going to do something for Christmas that we've never done before.  We stayed home!  We stayed home alone.  No traveling, no family, no children.  This was the first time EVER in the 13 years we've been together that we woke up in our own bed on Christmas Day.  Just the two of us. I needed that. I was able to FaceTime with my family and watch them open their presents, and it was AMAZING!  I got the best of both worlds this year.  I got to be in my house with my husband alone on Christmas morning, and I also got to feel like I was with my family many many miles away. I also got to cry in private when I thought I burned our Christmas dinner....yeah that really happened.  

It dawned on me though, with the new year quickly approaching, that I need a change.  I need to get out of this funk.  I've had my time to grieve for my 3 embryos that never made it past day 10. I cried enough tears these past three months to flood the world twice over.  I need a change. I don't know yet what that change will be or how to do it, but I need a change.  I don't know if we will try IVF again for a third and final time in the new year or just decide to live a childless life.  What I do know though, is that I love my husband and the patience he has with me. I love my family. I love my friends. I love being happy. 

I saw this post on Pinterest a little while ago and pinned it to my Infertility Pinterest Board. I saw it again and it was the push I needed to make a change.  Dave and I are already a family! We have each other.  Yes, we would love to add to our family, but none the less, we are a family and I love my little family!

So here's to a New Year, a new attitude, less tears and more smiles!

And The Test Results Are In...

I knew it was negative again before I even stepped foot in the doctor's office Friday morning.  I had already taken several home pregnancy tests and started bleeding again on day 10.  I just can't seem to get past day 10! Because of protocol, I still had to go into the doctor's office to make it official. What a punch in the gut!  I had already called them crying asking if I could change my appointment day to Saturday so that I wouldn't have to take another day off of work, knowing that this was just a procedural visit.  Take my blood, get my test results and make sure I'm feeling ok (physically, not mentally) but they couldn't do it.  Couldn't or wouldn't...either way I still had to go in. While I was there, I snapped at the nurse twice and had to apologize quickly.  I'm not mad at her, it's not her fault, I'm just mad. Mad at the process, mad at infertility, mad at the world, mad at my body.  Just mad!

My last failed IVF in May sent me into a deep, dark depression.  One that I've never experienced before in my life. One that scared both me and Dave. One that I never want to revisit. This failed round has left me broken, and numb.  I'm sad and hurt, but I'm so so angry!  I want to punch something. I want to fix it.  I want to change the way this study works. I just want to scream!!!

After 10 years of trying, 4 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, we have 3 choices now.  Three hard choices:

1. Stay in the study and give it one more chance for another $5,000. Doing this will not change the outcome. I think something is wrong with this protocol for my body. The same results happened on the same day both times!  My gut tells me we need to change something, but because of 'the study' you can't change anything.
2. Save every penny and do a 'normal' IVF customized for me for $15,000. I would just need to win the lottery and then talk to my doctor and ask him what he would change in my protocol if I wasn't in the study.  
3. Move on (not give up!) and live a childless life knowing in our hearts we tried everything we could to have a baby.

Three choices. These are the only three possibilities for us so please don't come up to me and tell me I should/could 'just adopt', or find a surrogate, or let it be God's will!  These three statements send me over the edge.  Especially right now and how angry I am.  Telling me to just adopt is ridiculous.  This is not the 1960s with children in orphanages waiting for you to stop by and take one home.  Adoption is now such a political and money-making venture it takes years and tens of thousands of dollars to adopt.  Yes I know there are other ways, we have researched a lot of them and know our options.  If you've never adopted in the past 10 years, then please keep this comment to yourself.

Use a surrogate.  I know people personally who have used a surrogate to have their baby and each time it was because they had to have a hysterectomy.  This comment hurts me a lot! Without you thinking about what you're saying, this comment says this to me, "Your body is broken, just use someone else's!" I know something is wrong...obviously, but you saying this to me is like a knife in my heart.  Not to mention that it costs more to use a surrogate (on average) than 3 full cost rounds of IVF!  There's a lot more in to it than most people think.

It's God's will.   Ok, this comment makes me want to cut a bitch!  No seriously..it does!  Don't get me wrong.  I know, believe and understand that God has a plan.  I know this in my heart of hearts.  This is different (to me) than it being God's will.  By you saying this is God's will, this is what I hear,"God hates you but loves the crack head mother that has 14 children by 14 different men." "God is mad at you, but will bless the atheist who doesn't believe in you with twins" So it's God's will to punish me by not giving me children, but He will give children to abusive, murdering parents, or 14 year old girls?!?  Do you see how messed up that statement is?!?  No, I don't believe this is God's will!  Don't say that to me!  Yes, this is God's plan and I may not understand it, but it is NOT His will.  He hears my cries, He hears me pray and beg and plead with Him. He sees the rushing tears coming out of my eyes.  No! This is not His will.  His plan maybe, but not His will!

I don't know where we will go from here and I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that one day I will be strong enough again to move on. One day...

1 Week Down!

It has officially been one week since we transferred LO (Lucky One).  Unlike what a lot of people think (and keep asking), no I don't know if I'm pregnant yet. The dreaded 2 wait weeks are in full swing. What you don't know if you've never done this before is, after your IUI or IVF you have to wait 2 weeks before you know if you're pregnant or not.   Two weeks doesn't seem long in the whole scheme of things, but TRUST ME, two weeks drag on forever when all you want to know is "did it work?"  We of course call these two weeks the dreaded 2 week mind fuck! Yep!  You have to pretend like you're pregnant the whole time, while not actually knowing if you are or not....and it doesn't help that the amount of progesterone you are injecting into your body daily actually gives you pregnancy symptoms.  I'm used to these symptoms now and don't think too much into it...but still a mind fuck! The last 5 rounds ended in disappointment so I'm really hoping this 6th time is the charm..the Lucky ONE!


The transfer itself went well, and I even had my favorite doctor this time! I also got him to chuckle under his mask when I unveiled my lucky transfer socks I bought just for the occasion...wonder woman (with capes!). It was great! We got to see LO on the big screen before the transfer and Dave was in the room the whole time taking pictures and squeezing my hand when I needed him.  Here are some of the pictures from the big day. Don't worry, I'll spare you the ones with me in the stirrups..what was he thinking?!?!

After the transfer you are wheeled out to your "room" to wait for another hour.  This should be a relaxing time, right?!?  WRONG!  Here's the part that no one tells you...  Before your transfer you have to sip on water while you're in bed waiting for your turn because they want your bladder full during the ultrasound.  I learned the hard way last time, to sip on water and then guzzle it at the very last moment possible, because you want a full bladder but not a FULL bladder. When you're in the operating room getting ready for the transfer, you get the good ultrasound...the belly goop kind!  During this time, the nurse is pushing on your full bladder so the doctor can clearly see your uterus. The transfer happens (with the nurse pushing on your bladder the whole time ) and then it's over.  You probably think this is the time I get to get up and go to the bathroom right....WRONG! Nope, you get to stay in bed for an hour!  An hour!!  Now picture this, you just had one of the happiest most hopeful and joyous moments just occur and now you get to sit and think about anything else except wetting the bed.  The nurse comes in and offer you a bed pan, but there was no way in hell I was going to use a bed pan unless I absolutely needed to!  I was going to do everything in my power to hold in the pee..and LO! The minutes tick by and there is nothing more I want to do except pee.  Nothing else on my mind except getting out of that bed and running to the bathroom. The nurse comes back through my curtain door again to check in on me and all I can think about is tackling her to the ground to make it to the bathroom.  She asks me how I'm doing, and I grit my teeth, smile and ask how much longer.  She tells me only 45 more minutes!  Wait..what?!? You're telling me only 15 minutes have passed?!?  I didn't think I was going to make it, but somehow I did!  Sorry to disappoint you!  I'm sure some of you were hoping for some crazy ending to this story about how I peed the bed! Nope! :)

So now I wait again.
I wait for these two weeks to end.
I wait for my test results.
I wait for my prayers to be answered.
I wait for what might be the end.
I wait for what might be the beginning

I just wait...

The One!

As most of you  know, I decided to keep this IVF cycle information and timeline current instead of blogging about it with a delay. This is both good and bad.  By doing this, I give up the big & awesome reveal if when this works and also the "safe" 3-month (1st trimester) wait before telling people!  Hey, I think I can handle that.  The response to this round has been amazing!  There have been so many prayers and well wishes coming our way as we go through this, yet again!

Tuesday was my egg retrieval surgery and all went well.  Of course, last time I was the ONLY person there for surgery and I was treated like a queen! We all had so much fun joking around and laughing before surgery.  This time around, there were five of us, and I was 5th on the list! Wowzers! I had to pass the time somehow, so I started taking silly selfies...something I hardly ever do!  Hey...a girl's gotta pass the time somehow!

I also was more prepared this time around in the sock department.  I searched high and low for the socks that were THE ONE! I think this sums it up pretty well!  Bad Ass!  Because you have to be some sort of bad ass to put yourself through this time and time again right?!?

Now let me just warn you....if you thought these socks were bad ass...just wait until Friday's transfer!  The socks I bought for transfer day are beyond amazing!  So appropriate! 

So let's move on to transfer day and what to expect.  Dave and I got the call about my eggs and our embryos. They retrieved 8 follicles.  In those 8 follicles, there were only 7 eggs. Of those 7 eggs, 4 were mature and 3 were immature (not ready to be fertilized). So now we're down to 4 possibilities.

Of those 4:

1 didn't fertilize

2 were growing slowly

1 fertilized perfectly

They called us back later that day to express their deepest apologizes, but the 2 that were growing slowly haven't made the changes they wanted to see, so we are left with only the one that fertilized.  

Ok, I'm not going to lie, I was sad and disappointed at first....who wouldn't be?!?  The odds seemed like there were stacked against us.  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...I needed to snap out of it!  No matter how disappointed I was, I'm still in a place where some women only dream they could be.  So I decided to come up with a bunch a "silver-lining" quotes and nicknames for our one and only embryo that we will transfer tomorrow!  Here it goes!

• It only takes ONE
• This is THE ONE
• Our ONE and only!
• ONE perfect embryo
• ONE hit wonder
• ONE stop shop!
• The lone survivor
• The Lucky ONE

This will work!  Tomorrow we will transfer our one perfect embryo at 8:30am and it won't have to fight another embryo to find a place to snuggle up inside of my womb.  It will get first pick of were to find it's home! :)  I have to stay positive and trust in the plan!

I can't wait until tomorrow!  

I stumbled across this quote on my friend's Facebook page the other week, and it's PERFECT! I keep looking at it as we get closer and closer to transfer day!  This is the ONE!

Here We Go....

                                                       ***WARNING*****
The "F" word will be used a lot in this post.  It will be an adjective, a verb, a noun and possibly even an adverb.  If you get easily offended by it, then this isn't the post for you.  If you don't mind the word, love the word, and even use the word yourself, then this post will most likely make you laugh a little :)

So we've raised the money we needed to fund this last and final IVF attempt...thanks to our dear friends T&A (HA!  just writing that makes me laugh! I have such a dirty mind...) and also all of our amazing friends and family that donated their hard earned money and their prayers!  This doesn't happen overnight like someone thought (future blog post maybe...), this process will take 1-2 months before I even have my little embryos to transfer.

I never thought I'd do this again after our failed attempt back in May.  We got the devastating news of the failure on a Tuesday and our 11th wedding anniversary was that Friday.  Needless to say, we weren't in any kind of mood to celebrate, so we decided to have a "Fuck-It" anniversary! Nooooo not like that!  :) Yes, I have a dirty mind, yes I blog and write about my hoo-ha, yes I usually don't have a filter (outside of work), but no that's not what I meant! I meant we just said Fuck It! We made our anniversary a fun-filled day of crazy stupid things we normally wouldn't do.  We skipped the romantic dinner filled with candles and roses and a quiet place for two and opted for fun and chaos at Shogun (an awesome hibachi place). We could go there and eat and have fun and be surrounded by people...no time for serious talks or crying! We then decided to go to the oceanfront (perks of living in Virginia Beach!) on a whim and walk around with our toes in the sand.  We came across one of those touristy haunted houses on the boardwalk and Dave said we should do it!  My response...Fuck-It..let's go!  We (or should I say.."I") screamed and we both had a blast. Then we fell upon one of those Old Time Photo places where you get dressed up and take cheesy pictures, we both looked at each other and.....you guessed it!  Fuck-It..lets do it!  Damn those pictures were expensive!!!  We ended the night at a carnival we saw when we were driving home! So much fun, so much wasted money...but no tears!

This IVF attempt, I noticed I was more stressed out than normal.  More than any other time before.  You would think that after 4 IUIs and an IVF, this 6th time would be cake, but I wasn't!  I was a hot freaking mess! Before we even began the process, I was a wreck.  I think most of the stress came from knowing it wasn't our money, it was other peoples money.  I'm not used to that!  All the people that donated their hard earned money to us so that we could try one last time! What if it didn't work, would they be mad? Would I disappoint everyone? Would I let everyone down if my body failed us again? How could I look at anyone ever again if this didn't work?!? Needless to say, my blood pressure was through the roof!  The stress of letting everyone down was killing me inside.  I finally realized that I had to come to a place where I could just say Fuck-It again.  Not in the sense of not caring about this round or not trying my hardest to do everything right, but a non stressful-fuck it-it's out of my hands-kind of attitude.

Well I'm happy to report...I'm there! Fuck it!  :) Here we go! Knowing this is our last and final time has me now more at ease. I started birth control a month ago and finally finished that and I'm happy to report that the bitch inside of me when on those terrible pills stayed hidden away (well I think she did....you  might want to check in with Dave on the real answer!) I'm now doing my Lupron injections and no real side effects (yet) this round either.  Last time, I wanted to do EVERYTHING perfectly and by the book.  They told me to take the pill around the same time everyday, and I all but set a damn alarm to make sure it was swallowed at 7am on the dot every morning. Same thing with the injections.  This time...much more laid back and relaxed.  Today, Dave even gave me my shot while I was still in bed! HA! It's like breakfast in bed, just minus the food, and the flower, and the breakfast tray! Damn..I got gypped! I guess it really isn't like breakfast in bed after all! All I got was a shot in the gut! Oh well... I'm switching up some of the bandaids from last time.  Maybe I'll go back to the store and find some neon circles so I can create a polka-dot belly!

Last time it didn't work and I didn't everything "right". I even made sure I had a lapse in my blog posts so that I could announce my pregnancy in a kick ass way...remember how that worked out?!?  Yeah not that great! This time, I'm still playing by the rules, but maybe they're just a little bended this time around.  Fuck it....what can it hurt?!?  They say stress can be a big factor in not getting pregnant, but it's not like this process is a walk in the park with cute little unicorns running next to me the whole way.  It's a stressful thing to go through, so let's just try to make it as fun as possible!

So for this last and final round, I plan on keeping everyone up to date as much as possible and I'm asking for as many prayers as you can spare! I plan on having fun this round, so buckle up everyone because it's going to be a fun and crazy ride!  Fuck-It...right!